Come Home, My Dear

My tears emerge from where tragedy hides. Deep in the corners of my soul. Nobody dares to peek there. But you. You have squinted your eyes to see the child in the darkness… You have brushed the cobwebs off my brow. And loved me. Loved me enough that I feel again. I feel the pain. The joy. The humor in it all. I feel immense loss tearing my insides apart and a love that could burst under the pressure of my feels for you. Time is not an enemy we must conquer but an illusionist who falters. My tears escape- not of sadness or despair- but of relief that you have found me hiding there. And now you take me home.

That Balance

Dropped the kids off with their dad and my soul leaps up, “Freedom!” Darlin’ let’s jump in the truck and head out on a little adventure. Grab a coffee and a bowl and just drive… Beyond our current circumstances. I don’t want to go to the bank to pay my rent… I want to go the bank of a glorious river- let’s dip our toes in the freezing water. I don’t want to go train my brain to remember the contents of books. I want to remember holding your hand on a train booked to nowhere and back. I don’t want to return to my quiet kidless house- I miss them. I want to be in God’s house surrounded by lively silence. I don’t want to clear the clutter and make my bed. I want to make out with you under the stars on a clear crisp night.

My soul is restless. When they ask “Are you living life to the fullest?” I’d have to say, “No” because I am choosing to be temperant and responsible. But I want to be irresponsible! I want to be whisked away, swept off my feet, and sweetly loved…. When the kids are away. ISO… That balance.

False Perceptions Made Right

Conditioned to “know” that love is given through victimization.

Perfection mitigates shame.

Good enough will stop the pain.

Unlearning that kind of false love- with no compensation.

No return of innocence.

No decline in hyper-vigilance.

Redefining my experiences to formulate a healthy interpretation.

Love is…. given to other people despite…

Love is…. hard work, attunement, a delight.

Conditioned to “know” that love is reflected through a relation.

Model your desire in the lives of others.

Create space for love to flow to all our brothers.

Fighting My Thoughts

Heavy on my bleeding heart. You claim “what’s best for me,” but turn around and tear me apart.

You’ve always got to have the last word as I’m pushing you down. I’m punching the air frantically at someone who’s not around.

Wondering why you never have anything nice to say. You tell me I’m not important. I’m sick of you. I don’t want to live this way.

You say I’m not worth it… my dreams… how I see myself beyond you. I think you’re afraid… that the love I find means your lies aren’t true.

You have no right to keep up this fight.

You are all I have.

I don’t understand why you’re so hurtful. Why you make me feel so hated? You say you’re the best, but truth be told, it seems you’re… well, quite a bit… jaded.

There have been so many times you’ve made me the fool with your tricks- you’re so sly. But no more… I’m done with you… It’s time to say goodbye.

I am not those things you claim so it’s time to let you go. You were never a trusted friend, only my greatest foe.

I’m shoving you back. Let me give you my famous right-hook. Then I’ll stand over you with all the love, joy, and respect you took!

It’s my right to win this fight.

I am all you have!

I Choose You

All on my own- I got it- Hold my hand all along. Babe. I choose you.

They stay away- Fine- Can’t handle you’re mine. Child. Scoobee-doobee-bop-eh-dop-bop-dee. You’re my three.

Nights out on the town- Done- ‘Til your fever is gone. Hun. I choose you.

Sacrifice, compromise, improve – all for your benefit. I never could imagine life without you in it. Baby, you make it sweeter! Protection, commitment, celebration to lift you up through pain. Loving you without condition means fighting for you with no refrain. Darlin’ you’ve got my heart forever!

I may be tussled and wrecked- Okay- But your needs are checked- Sunshine. Skeede-dedaddly-bah-bahpti- You’re my three.

Think twice on that cookie- Stop- Get back to school, no hooky now. Bae. I choose you.

Breathe through the tough parts- 3-2-1- You’re all my sweet tarts. Love. I will always choose you.

Sacrifice, compromise, improve – all for your benefit. I never could imagine life without you in it. Baby, you make it sweeter! Protection, commitment, celebration to lift you up through pain. Loving you without condition means fighting for you with no refrain. Darlin’ you’ve got my heart forever!

The Grasshopper

God speaks to me through spirit animals and the Grasshopper told me to take a leap of faith because…

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” (Neale Donald Walsch).

Did you live your life today?

Wine Time Presumptions

After the first winery, my friends found parking at another. Instead of going round and round searching for a spot, I ditched them for a little “me time.” See… I like to go watch people and take in the aesthetics of the environment and experience. I also like to create the story for what I observe… It doesn’t mean it is accurate… It means… That I like to use my imagination to entertain myself.

Not even a glance at the gorgeous woman- easily 10 years older- but with features in her mid-20s who sat next to them. Rather, he was absorbed in her aloof beauty. She smiled. Even laughed with him. She must be the girlfriend. Yet as their time together continued, she began to turn her body away as he leaned within her bubble. “The bar’s not that loud, she can hear you without this invasion of space,” I felt like informing him. His doting smothered her. He desparately sought her attention in his drunken stooper, until a glowing blond squirrel crossed his path: “Who’s the queen,” he sloppily asked the crowned mother-to-be. She barely addressed him except the nicety to state that she was the expectant mother… Wishing instead that she could denounce his attempts at flirting with a woman whose claim had obviously been staked. He turned back to his first attempt to mask his insecurities. She- relieved at his absence- had continued her conversation with her other- more spatially aware- friends. She smiled. Even laughed sometimes. But her awareness of the number of drinks he’d taken on before this engagement thwarted her desire toward reciprocity. But wait… Another blond woman to wrap her arms around him. The other was finally safe from his advances. Could this new one be the reappearance of the “old one?” Is this the girlfriend?

Beware the stunning woman smirking alone at the bar… She may be making up scenarios about you!

To My Dearest Me. Love, Me.

Just because they don’t love you back

Doesn’t mean you are any less beautiful…

Or any less interesting…

intelligent…

or fun.

It simply means they don’t connect with your awesomeness.

And that’s okay.

No really. That’s okay!

Someone out there will be magnetized to your uniqueness.

The “unknown he” loves you.

So uncover that joy you’ve hidden under fear. Smile again.

Don’t hide your laughter thinking your seriousness makes up for their absence. It justifies nothing.

Letting go doesn’t mean you loved them any less. Letting go doesn’t mean your pain was meaningless. So let. them. go. All of them.

You have picked yourself up each time. You have proved to be stronger in courage and character, more vibrant in knowing yourself, having a greater capacity for simplicity and love! THAT is what matters. Girl, you’ve got this!

Exhale the pain. You don’t need it anymore.

Remember when your mind was clear to allow your body to dance?

Remember why your freedom to “go” invigorated your soul?

Remember how love filled your heart and radiated out your helping hands.

Let’s get back to that.

Let’s get back to Overflowing with joy, love, connection, Spirit.

Let THAT flame burn for all to see and the unknown he will find thee.