Twin Flame


There is but one who can drive your soul… Triggering the demons you haven’t conquered. You try to walk away… Only to be brought back by signs and synchronicity or from God Himself. You will research narcissism because your friends claim he’s using you. None of it will ring true because you know him. He is a part of you: Your mirror. You will begin to question your sanity… Until you stumble upon a community of believers who empathize with your experiences. You are not crazy. You have met your twin flame.

From the start, the connection felt as if you have known each other beyond this lifetime, but “your shit” will get in the way. He is the yang to your yin… Each is whole within themselves, but needing to vibrate at a higher frequency to be able to create Tao (picture the Taiji- Yin/Yang symbol). He is your greatest teacher. “He loves you so much that he puts himself in the position to trigger the darkest parts of you…” (Sabriye Ayana, http://www.ganstagoddesses.com) Yet, he loves you in spite of it… He loves you through it. Although you dream of uniting in a romantic fashion someday, you learn that romance doesn’t compare to the loving friendship and deep bond you have with him. You let go of expectations about the outcome for the sake of “Philia” or the love that comes with friendship. Love always wins- You trust that.

It is fascinating to look back at the journey and see “the waves” as we jovially call them. They peak and crash always returning to a calm: He knows that “It’s just a wave…when it comes… I just hold on” (as John Mayer expressed in “Emoji of a Wave”). I read the shift from the typical paradigm of what a relationship “should be” into fully understanding it from the 5D perspective. It has been one of the greatest struggles of my life, but I sense a near-end to the turmoil where we can finally Just Be Still. Just Be Love. Just Be Tao. One thing is certain… We definitely learn unconditional love when we meet our twin flame.

START FROM THE BOTTOM

My Darlin’,

September 2020

I prayed for you today (9/6). Something pulled at my heart strings to send you love, peace, and strength. As I prayed, I breathed in and sent waves of healing energy to your soul. I hope you felt it. I prayed that God would show himself to you today so that you can maintain hope. God is with you! Guiding you!

I know how tired you get with all the demands put on you. But I want to remind you of these things….

You are an amazing and dedicated father! It’s tough sometimes but you can be at peace with the fact that they know that they are loved!

You have the capability to break down the walls and love her and to let her love you. You have the choice to let her in and to build a foundation rather than a wall that pushes her buttons to keep her out. Remember… You alone are privy to the intuitive wisdom God gives for your life… Listen and Trust Him and you will live a happy life in love.

You are blessed with a family who love you dearly and only wish to protect you. Sometimes they might have a strange way of showing it but don’t forget to water the root system that makes you such an exquisite marvel.

Take care of yourself- get outside- get into nature- heal your heart. Although, you might want to wait until it cools down a bit. Feel the earth under your bare feet. Breath in from the heavens. Replenish your soul.

And finally, let out an unexpected laugh today- deep from the belly. Turn on a little Whitney Houston and “Dance with somebody who loves you!” (Hint: YOU love you!). Then, laugh really hard at your goofiness. You’ll feel a release of that stress you carry.

You are worthy of being loved. YOU ARE WORTHY of being loved!

You are loved!

I know that you don’t hate me. I know this because I know your heart and you know mine. You know why I had to do it and you can’t bring yourself to hate me for that. Thank you for understanding and loving me in spite of… what it may seem… for once you realize what this love is you’ll know that I never left! I have always been with you still. You can depend on my love… Take comfort in that.

I know you are a powerful man who will stand in that power with a drive for the life you desire. I get excited for you to learn and fully embody who you are! I have faith that you will see what I have seen all along.

And so I leave you with this… Even though I am missing you like crazy and am left to imagine the feel of your arms around me and the love from your gaze…

I will still send you love, peace, and strength…. to Be You!

Because you are the Salt, the Light. You are Love.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Last day of August 2020

The story of running and chasing may be through, but I’m far from giving up hope on you.

My faith is strong that you will grow to be, at peace, in love, happy and free.

As for me… I’m rising to my potential within my self-respect and love. Confident and at ease with the divine leadership from above.

My vision and mission are crystal clear and so I trek on with you in my heart, my dear.

Thank you for reflecting, so that I could grow. Your unconditional love means more than you could ever know.

Moving On

August 2020

I’m trying to think of the words to express the feelings that overwhelm me, but I cannot. Funny… you wouldn’t think that I could be at a lack for words. But I shall try.

I haven’t communicated nor looked at his social media since I left the “friendship” back in June. I hadn’t because I knew I wasn’t ready to face him- even if behind a (computer) screen. I’m okay and can live my blessed life with no qualms and send him love and peace whilst I move on… but that means I cannot check in on him. Because when I finally looked, I had a physical and emotional reaction. Granted, I should instead ask myself why I had a reaction. (His voice and presence always calmed me and gave balance to these emotions but that is no longer possible).

There was nothing outrageous or out of the norm on his page, but nonetheless, my body reacted: I got really red- I’m embarrassed by the thought of being perceived as a stalker or “that crazy chic still in love with him” (Because I am quite sane! Really!). My solar plexus and chest tightened- due to the anxiety of “what will I see?” (I expected his old pattern of “deeper commitments and next level relationship statuses to other women”- I suppose if I was friends with him, that would have been what I saw). It’s interesting because whenever I look at his pictures, I cannot imagine myself in them, in his life. Hence, the heat rises in me from being hurt by that exclusion: “I will never fit in.” (But that is not his fault, that stems from being told I’ll never fit in during Jr. High or by my brother, “No one will ever love you.” Okay, so I revealed a trigger to work more on. This one has been a doozy). [During the edit, it came to me: Maybe I can’t see myself in his pictures because I am not a part of his past. I can envision a future of us together, but… I can’t see myself in his pictures because I am not in his life right now. Duh! hahaha]. I also get a little enraged when I look at him, I get this feeling of “I can’t trust him.” Yet, my soul tells me that “You know the real him, hold on to that, not what past transgressions tell you.” He apologized and asked for my forgiveness for what he put me through and all the pain. So it’s now up to me to let it all go! Let it go!!

Lord, I feel like I’m back in the beginning of this journey with these thoughts! But trust me, it’s from a different place this time. hahaha.

Anyway, I am trying to be rational and objective (hahahahaha!!) and cater to the 3D realm, even though we share our time in the 5D. I miss him: Laughing, listening to music, even his scolding me when I overthink. I miss our friendship. I miss his arms around me or my hand stroking his hair and face while he lays in my lap. I miss his voice and presence that calm the disruptive thoughts inside. Yet, at other times, I know that he somehow is right here with me- sharing those parts of him and accepting those parts of me. We can’t cut the cord with our twin- nor would I want to since he has been such an amazing and positive influence in my life; however, we can detach from the past, the fear, and the old thought patterns and behaviors.

So, I’m left with…. There is more internal work for me to do to let go of fear.

Home

August 2020

Of course I still love you.

In a Name

August 2020

You were born to be like the one who is like God. God is your judge.

I am exalted. High on the mountain. I am reborn.

Yet your father’s name has made you a cold mountain.

And mine made me tall and slender.

For a time, I chose to be a ruler of a great fortress.

But now I am the ruler of a small but strong fort.

With the desire to serve only the one who is like the one who is like God.

The Healing Continues

August 2020

I made the choice to love myself more. To stand up for my own emotional health. I must work through the emotions that come with competition and fear of abandonment.

It was torture to witness him loving someone else and so God impressed upon me that it was time for him to “go it alone.” He must call upon God to help him work through his struggles… To express fully as the man I know him to be but he doesnt allow the world to see.

Just because I called for separation, doesn’t mean I love him any less. In fact, it shows the depth of my love for him. Because he… we… I needed it so that we could continue to build this extraordinary and loving bond. I still send love daily… for him alone and for the relationship. Because she is who he chooses and as his twin I want him to receive love and opportunities for growth along his journey. I know that he still loves me too… somewhere hidden inside. That is a great comfort, but not an expectation.

As for everything else, I am learning and practicing to let go of the past and focus on me. So if we ever meet again, we can start fresh.

Bitter Dreams

August 2020

It’s funny how avoiding issues doesn’t make them go away. I was getting to a place where I could move on but then the dream brought my issues back to the surface.

Even now, I compare myself to all the other women. I don’t trust… that I am enough… that he’ll think and feel that I am enough… I “can’t” compete with other women… Because women are beautiful and sweet and kind- but also a little bit crazy at times- and have big hearts!! How can I compete with their beauty?

Yes I am beautiful too. But I act and feel in ways that say, “If you have a choice, then choose them.” Why? Why can’t I ask someone to choose me? I can tell you, “I love you.” I can tell you, “I’m in the running,” but your free will enables you to make the choice. Love that is forced is not true love.

I wish the dream could have ended with some sort of solution… with some hint at hope… but it didn’t. It left me to taste the bitterness of my own insecurities and social worth… It reminded me of the hump I can’t seem to get over: The “non-compete” clause in the fine print of my DNA.

Hope During Separation

July 2020

Would you think me insane, if you knew I talked with you in the 5D plane?

Or would you… say you’re there chattin’ it up with me too?

In that place you tell me you need more time and I say okay, because I know that timing is only from the Divine.

And so I continue living and loving my life.

I’m there for you- backing you through every feat- even if in the 3D we never meet.

Only few will understand… what it means to love a man…

Who isn’t physically near her, but I say… unconditional love is meant for our mirror.

And so I continue living and loving my life.

I know you have to “go through it” alone in order to accept your place on the throne.

So from afar, let my love boost you up and may the love in your life runneth over in your cup.

And until we meet again and you choose me as more than a friend,

I continue living and loving my life.

The Process: TF Journey in a Nutshell

July 2020

Faces appear with gentle smiles

Welcoming me into the land of crazy

Where you can’t believe your thoughts

But your senses… Oh yes… The senses tell the story.

Notice… 1… 2… 3…

Notice me. As I dance lost in innocence

Ancient slate wiped clean.

Your cocked-to-the-side head, shaking a naughty knowing grin.

“My heart fears you… us… me.”

“I see you. Flash! In my reflection.”

I taste you. Smooth rich cognac

“Touch… My heart and soul.”

My mind plays tricks on my reality

See it. Pop! Blast! Into my sight line

“Taste it. Smooth rich hazelnut.”

Touch… Myself with these thoughts.

The frowning figures of the past

Saddened that we cannot recognize

That we had found each other long before today

But this life… gets me… Under Pressure.

Just to get me dancing again

Without you.

Notice… Joy… Gratitude… Humor

Notice… Love.

My Treatment Plan

June 2020

I’ll never stop fighting to find my joy, but I have learned the value of feeling for healing. Here’s the process that has worked for me:

When your heart wants to break, let it! Let go. Feel all of it. The heavy and simultaneous empty. Feel it ripping apart your insides. Cry. Wale. Carry on like a child (but preferably in your war room closet so the kids don’t worry: But if they do, they learn compassion). Tear apart the invisible cord extending from your chest straight down through your solar plexus. Rage. Love. Hate. Reminisce. Overthink, overanalyze, change your mind, change it again because it needs to be done. Go down into the dark well- for you know your rope it tethered to God. And when you have sufficiently exhausted your soul, thank the Lord for holding that space for you. Take a nap. Wake up and when the pain creeps back on like a wave crashing on your heart, let it! Let your eyes well up. Exhale bursts of sadness. Breathe in divine love. Look around. Thank God for the multitude of blessings in your life. Allow yourself to be overcome by the loneliness of not sharing your blessings with a lover. Walk around in a daze. Lost in empty thoughts. Then be distracted by someone else’s drama. Hulu and Netflix are great helpers for this step. Hold your children. Kiss their forehead and know how much love you get and have to give! Think of the times you were joyful. How do you get back there? Breathe. Deeply. Into the belly, filling it like a balloon. Exhale the doubt that says you don’t have a purpose. Be your joy. Make a conscious choice to get back up. This is the crucial point… do you take back your joy or do you let misery win? Let it all go. All of it. You are made new! You have a purpose and someone out there will receive you! When we trust in the Father, we have hope. Hold that hope. Love always fucking wins!

Get some rest. Tomorrow will be a brand new morning.

We Can’t Be “Just Friends”

June 2020

It’s always the same… You love other women and my love must be tame. I thought that if I were a better friend and promised to be there ’til the end, that you’d see me in a new light. But I’m tired of feeling “not good enough,” I’m tired of this fight. You never got to know that part of me, you never let me in. You saw the hurt and restrained me ’cause you pushed me away and could never begin past “friend.”

My love was deep because I saw the real you, I just wish you could have openly loved me too. It’s not my regret but it is my fault that you locked me out of your erotic vault. I went from lover to friend to therapist but I know you felt our connection when we kissed. It cut like a knife when you said “she’s worth the effort” and that her free-spirit reminds you of me… I cannot bear how those words filled my soul with jealousy. I want to hold your hand and meet your tribe! Being around you makes the world seem so alive! I want to love and freely show my affection but without those mighty walls of protection. We’d become so close and gotten through a lot of crappy stuff but being “just friends” with you is not enough. I don’t want you to choose… her or me. I can see that together you two are happy! I’m delighted that you have found someone who makes you recognize that you are whole. You deserve love without my presence taking a toll. I also want to protect my heart, so out of respect, we must part.

I’m a sensual woman who deserves love in return, where two stoke the fire for the flame to burn. I don’t want to wait for you anymore, I don’t want to cry. So without a word I say “goodbye.”

The Mission

May 2020

Not so long ago, I used to be the sea: Quick-tempered, destructive and free. But lately, the moon’s push-and-pull have waned and the waters within me have been bound and tamed. The crashing waves cease to rise and no longer provide excitement and surprise. This once strong sea is left to be a soft glassy surface: Receding into a safe and calm harbor with a greater purpose. It’s no longer about me, me, me and my selfish desire. Now, I am subjugated to be the spiritual amplifier. So that others may heal and find peace from above. That their Higher Selves can experience a pure and perfect love.

Reading the Red Hot Embers

May 2020

Spread my wings. Regal. Royal. Integrity. Beauty exudes. No need to strut. My many eyes see you.

Your native headdress- highest honor for bravery and power- bowing in genuine adoration. Your golden eagle feather blessed to you for your hardships, loyalty, strength. The golden eagle: A messenger of God. I must prepare to receive you. Fasting. Meditating.

The king sees our bond and nods his head in approval. He is masculine. Supreme ruler. Creator God. Blessing us with his sovereignty.

The stars above. Big Dipper. The sheepfold. Pronouncing that we all must assemble together. Kochab. Star. Meaning “Waiting on him who comes.” Dubnek Lachar. The latter herd. Alkaid. Assembly. Dubhe. Flock. Merek. Purchased. All point to Polaris. Jesus. Big and Little together. Yin Yang. Balancing opposites of each other.

Vision complete. Sit back and let it settle in. By coincidence… Two songs back-to-back. So Far Away by Carole King. Something in the Way She Moves. James Taylor.

To James T., tf, bff

April 2020

My Love,

I have missed your voice and the way you bring out my smile.

Some say “Time is an illusion,” but I still feel that it had been a while.

You are on your journey and I’m on mine.

But when we meet in dreams and music, I know everything’s gonna be just fine.

At times our paths are dark and our egos take comfort in the night.

But our souls search for more, so don’t be afraid to face the light.

Take my love without cost nor a plan to repay.

Just be filled and overflowing, then practice giving love away.

Thank you for being You because you bring out the best in me.

Forever yours,

Carole K., tf, bff

Alone in This

March 2020

I just wish that I could talk to you. Especially during this time when I am flailing… grasping for thoughts that drift away too quickly. Your energy is my gravity so maybe if you were near, you’d ground these thoughts so that I could conclude… focus… ascertain this idea… so I look a little less crazy… a little less basic. Because there’s something there… I just know it! Except… you’re not here… so it all flutters away.

Black Hole

February 2020

You are my light. I am your darkness. Originating from One Great source.

Beware my star, my brightest sun, I will take all of you without remorse.

I do not seek your money, things, or any of your countless possessions.

I want your darkest deeds and frightening fears- a collection of confessions.

There was a time when I was like you: Shining life, a world of envy.

Then my heart collapsed under the bitterness of what could never be.

I’m trapped inside: Stay back, lest my love crush your soul with no recourse.

I remain invincible, yet you’ll know me there by my gravitational force.

Stellar, soulful, seductive: I extend my reach into infinite dimensions.

Out of me- The Gap in the Sky- returns the King for our ascensions.

Now only blackness- snuffing the light- at the center of your galaxy.

But at any day and hour, the gates will open, Love wins, and we’ll be free.

Love is my mental illness

February 2020

When I can’t stop the fight to reach the light of your soul. When I disappear so you don’t hear my heart fall asunder. When I trek on and on in this role despite the ache rolling through my chest like thunder.

A little crazy never hurt no one.

How I let you go every other day: I cannot stay it seems. How I cling to the fling that was a red hot flame. How I see you in my dreams and hope for the long-lasting steady burn of your love game.

A dash of insanity could be fun.

Why I obsess and overthink over my fear of rejections: Your affections are my reprieve. Why I request of Amor, a bequest from above. Why I get so worked up and try to leave until your spirit mingles with mine to command, “Be still my love.”

A pinch of madness is better than none.

Darlin’ I’m nuts about you. But when you’re gone… This love is my mental illness.

My Basilisk

February 2020

It eats me up inside: Not knowing. The thoughts gnawing their way down. Down into my core. Tired of the times I’ve cried: But not showing. The sickness craving attention when I try to ignore.

Its breath so sweet, its touch is a sin. Dark magic salaciously at play. Playing on my heart strings. The look it gives when we meet: I drink it in. Even with the knowledge that it means my death, I submit to the serpent’s callings.

I’m fighting to face it then forget it’s hold on me. I’m trying to love it then forget it doesn’t love me.

Anytime it crosses my heart, the boost, the bliss. It is my basilisk.

The Mourning Doves

February 2020

The morning brings reminders to listen: The peacock and the Native headdress. What am I suppose to think? Was it truly a clarifying vision or just my mind playing tricks on my heart?

Contrary to the name, the mourning dove- or “turtle doves” as the Christmas carolers call them- represent hope, peace and renewal when one is faced with loss. During a struggle today, I fervently prayed God send me a sign as to why He wants me to keep a faith in “that which the world tells me is impossible.” As I looked up from my praying position, I immediately spotted two mourning doves resting and tending to their feathers on the fence post at the back of the yard. Their presence actually startled me for a moment. I didn’t know what they meant at the time, but I knew with certainty that God was speaking to me through these spirit animals.

Through the doves, He said, “Despite your sorrow and the torment this process brings, trust in Me. Have peace in that I care for you and have a plan for you. Keep that hope and faith in things unseen.”

Amen.

The Distance of Love

February 2020

Missing you. Choose to block it or feel the pain. If I just knew that you felt even a portion of what I feel, then it wouldn’t affect me this way. If I could be confident that you feel what I know you feel then it would ease the struggle. But the distance sings louder than the music we once heard.

It tugs at my core. Pulling my soul down… the band is so taut that if released, well… I don’t know what would happen. The only remedy is my hand in yours. So it continues to pull, yet simultaneously pushing all the emotion up to where my heart bursts with tears. It is an overwhelming sense of emptiness yet fullness in the love I have for you… But you aren’t here to receive it so it builds and builds and wants to burst.

Then there are the times when I fear you’ve lost what we were…. when I fear you no longer love me. This “reality” tells me that none of it is true- that my intuition… and God… lie to me. What I feel becomes so intense that when I fear, I have to block out the love. But when I block it, I have to block you completely. Erase the memory of your touch… of the way you feel like home. It’s just my survival babe. All the love is still there. I’m just too tired and worn out to face it… there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.

But then I pray. And love emerges from under the protective wall. God graces me with the promise that someday you’ll be in my arms again. But for now, I have to remember that although you are not here in the physical, you’ve never left my side. Our bond goes beyond the confines of this plane. You are with me and I am with you. Even still.

Abstract Art

February 2020

Lost in your lips somewhere between LA and the border. Speaking in tongues as the boom badabeat moves faster. Lay my heart down in the trenches to live off coffee and nicotine. Racing racing racing to the rhythm.

Take you in. Find me there.

Lost sight of the others somewhere between hello and forever. Speaking in glances that were stolen from heaven. Lay down my fear in your arms to protect them. Spacing spacing spacing with no distance between us.

Take me in. Find you there.

Take me home. You wait for me. Your eyes and arms are where I need to be.

At Least She Tried

January 2020

I want to remember you with the passion we shared, maybe we were just craving to be touched, to be held, but I know that I truly cared.

I want to remember the way you tease just to make me smile, or the way you’d stare from across the room, holding my gaze for a while.

We’ve come a long way, we’ve become much stronger. But I can’t pretend not to feel anything for you much longer.

I want to remember how we make each other laugh- full bellied- without warning… You can write “at least she tried” on my epitaph.

I want to remember the past 50 years when we are old and gray, having held your hand up the hills and down along the whole way.

I must have been just another girl, just another fling… for you to tell me that I don’t mean a thing.

You must have been my imagination, just another fantasy… for me to believe there could’ve been pure ecstasy.

Yet I can’t pretend not to feel this love that has rooted in my core. Yes! I want the friendship, but it doesn’t end there… I want more.

We’ve come a long way, we’ve become much stronger. But I can’t pretend not to feel anything for you much longer.

My Love

January 2020

Who is this man I love so dear? I’ve lost sight with my clouded jealousy and fear. He is the man who hides his pain, but let’s me hold and love him with no refrain… until I shut him out. He loves competition and the sport. But could care less about what other people say in their report. He is the dedicated father to more than just his own… who doesn’t have energy for my selfishness and bitter tone.

He never stops thinking but he never lets you know it. He tirelessly listens to the drama of those who need him- he won’t quit. When it comes to family, he puts himself last…Yet I can’t seem to let go of the past… and so I leave again. He lets music sing to his soul. Especially when he can look up at the stars while he smokes a bowl. He was once my lover, forever my muse. He’s the man I love but so often abuse.

“Goodbye my lover, Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me.” -James Blunt

Old Lovers Blues

January 2020

There’s no place that calls my heart like my lover’s arms. But he’s gone away- What harm…

Have I done? My lover’s embrace… He’s the runner and I chase.

There’s just no place that feeds my soul like my baby’s sultry browns. Lord, he’s got me on the low, low down-

He’s gone away.

Tell me! What place? Could send such a thrill through my mind. He makes me search when he’s the one that’s blind.

But he’s not comin’ back… So I’ve got to be…

On my way. Oh Lord… Take these old lovers blues from me.

Stop Me

January 2020

I started this journey in retaliation for a love that can’t be mine. I forced myself to “move on” and leave those feelings behind. You wanted it so, even though my heart said no but by then my hands were tied. Begrudgingly I took a leap and guess what, it turned out fine. Maybe not, cause I can’t stop crying… It turns out I lied.

Why didn’t you stop me? You were supposed to stop me!

He and I, we rolled in the sack, not out of passion but because it’s “what you do.” Emotion-less tumbles… oh how I rocked his world! But you know… I couldn’t look in his eyes because they’re not yours. I couldn’t stop thinking of you. Yeah, he left in the morning. It was a very comfortable scene. Give a quick hug, a “thanks for the fun,” then hurry and get those sheets clean.

Why didn’t you stop me? You were supposed to stop me!

I’m so angry at you! I don’t want to speak. You were the love of my life and now the tether is weak. I feel a difference- like the past was wiped away. You were so G’damned happy to hear about my lay! So just go then! Why the hell do you stay? Sometimes I just hate being your friend. Because we felt so much more than that, downtrodden to friendship is just pretend.

I know why you didn’t stop me. You couldn’t stop me.

What’s the silver lining here? Perhaps this indeed wiped clean the slate. Maybe it’s our start fresh… Now we’re even. We can get back to a “home”-eostatic state. It’s a lovely idea- if it strengthens our bond and all the bad feelings are extinguished- but the problem remains: I want a status higher than friendship where I’m confident your love won’t disappear. I want back the intimacy, the passion, the feeling of home. I want you near.

Don’t stop me. Don’t want to stop me.

My Lonely Song

December 2019

Your happy busy life. You’ve got everything you need. I’m just around in the shadows: An acceptable source for affections when you please.

Maybe it’s been too long. Maybe it’s just my lonely song. But I can’t help but think of you.

Time and time again, you swear I’m just a friend. Yet I’m still inclined to love you.

I have to fight for other dreams… Escape to nowhere unseen… For fear I’ll break apart. Even so, I wipe my arm that drips the blood from my heart.

Swallow it down. Choke back the tears. Stand back up and face those fears.

I’m thrilled by you and me. Excitement peaks then is torn away… instead to forced apathy. What kind of care is that… For a friend or enemy?

Keep me close til you find someone new. I search and search for love because I know you’ll soon be through.

She’s quite cute… you get the ticket and take the ride.

He’s not quite right… I don’t have the gumption to jump. I blame it on what’s not seen in his eyes.

Round and round. Ups and down. Hiding… Hush hush from the friends. Keep in mind… The fire side… Hoping it all ends.

Maybe it’s been too long. Maybe it’s just my lonely song. But I can’t help but think of you.

Time and time again. You swear I’m just a friend. Yet I’m still inclined to love you.

Come Home, My Dear

December 2019

My tears emerge from where tragedy hides. Deep in the corners of my soul. Nobody dares to peek there. But you. You have squinted your eyes to see the child in the darkness… You have brushed the cobwebs off my brow. And loved me. Loved me enough that I feel again. I feel the pain. The joy. The humor in it all. I feel immense loss tearing my insides apart and a love that could burst under the pressure of my feels for you. Time is not an enemy we must conquer but an illusionist who falters. My tears escape- not of sadness or despair- but of relief that you have found me hiding there. And now you take me home.

Thinking of You

November 2019

Part 1:

I keep thinking of you.

The warmth of your arms around me. The comfort in our silence. The bursts of laughter that get me out of myself.

You know me. You feel me. You aren’t ready for a love like mine.

I miss the depth in your eyes.

The dedication to your family revealed in the scars of your hands. The charisma and charm that melt away my worries. The compassion to give when others need your listening ear.

I just want you to sit next to me.

Let me reach over and hold your hand. Smile into your soul. Hold you close and love your lips on mine.

It’s bitter-sweet to feel your presence so strongly yet you are not here.

And no amount of wishing will make you appear.

Part 2:

I don’t want to be the “You’ll do… until I find somebody new.”

I deserve a man who sees my inner beauty, values my contributions, and will do all in his power to protect the sanctity of our connection. I don’t want to worry about or question his dedication to “us.” I would rather spend my energy on laughing, cuddling, connecting, exploring, and expanding.

Just a Little Silliness

October 2019

Beautiful soul appeasing me

Tell of your secrets so that I may see

What makes you tick? With whose heart do you click? Is seduction, or laughter, or apathy the trick?

Shattered heart confusing thee

Tell of distortions so that I can set you free

What makes you run? With whose mind are you spun? Is the torment you give some sort of fun?

Complex mind intriguing this devotee

Tell of your loops in the mental Grand Prix

What strangles your thoughts like a vine? With whose soul do you entwine? Is that connection divine?

Separation, distance, a disappearing love, moving forward, seeking guidance from above. I don’t want to go, I miss you more than you can know, I want you near always. I don’t want you as my “bro,” I want to be in your flow, I want to know you in all ways.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

September 2019

One of my biggest triggers is Rejection. Dr. Margaret Blaustein accurately described my internal environment in her video on ARC Treatment. “Kids who have trauma… who have been hurt in relationships, play out that hurt in later relationships.” My childhood trauma of abandonment (i.e., while my mom ran for help while I watched my dad being crushed by a tractor) and the daily torture from my brother (i.e., constant rejection) has followed me in most of my friendships and all of my romantic relationships. I expect rejection. I expect that the person will not be interested in me and not care about me. This is how I protect myself from loss, betrayal, and abandonment. I am hypervigilant in looking for these signs- so that I am not “fooled” when it happens. “I called it out first, so when it actually happens… Then, hahaha the jokes on you!” Yet, this mindset only calls the abandonment and rejection into my life. As Dr. Blaustein stated, “Eventually, the [other person] will reject [me].”

I want to build trust in other people. I want to be attuned to others and not misread their body language, texts, words, or lack of attention.

It has taken until I was 37 years old to trust a close group of friends: To truly feel like I am accepted and WANTED in the relationships. However, when people outside the core group enter the picture, I am reminded that I still have work to do. At a social event yesterday, I watched myself and was disgusted… but couldn’t stop. I rejected myself before my friends could reject me: “I am sorry you have to be my partner (because that means it’s an automatic loss).” “I am horrible at this game, sorry I suck!” An acquaintance told me “Never feel sorry! We are having fun.” A close friend disclosed, “Hey, we lost, but we played a good game! You got several of the points on the board when mine were sliding off!” Yet, I still offered to pay for her to “buy in” to the tournament again because I took the blame…. The rejection.

As you can read in my post below “You Say,” I constantly take the words of others (i.e., written or spoken) and twist them in my head to “fit into” the hole in my heart that says I must be rejected. I know he cares about me. But I also know that… I.. AM… EXHAUSTING! My delusions are constant- after two and a half years of friendship, I still “assume” that every ignored text, every encouraging response, and every moment he loves someone else, is his rejection of me. He is just trying to live his life… It has nothing to do with me. Yet, I found a strong connection with a man and now I hold on to it so tightly that I smother it and kill it. Again, I fulfill my expectation of rejection and abandonment.

In the video, Dr. Blaustein suggested an activity where the child and caregiver talk about how each person has interpreted an interaction. At times, I have tried this… “When you said/ gave this expression/ did this…. I took it to mean this….” However, when the other person doesn’t understand that this is my way of confirming or disproving how I read the situation, I fear I only come across as insecure. I don’t see it as insecurity… I see it as trying to be accurate and objective about our communications.

Perhaps I should get my note cards out again… Whenever I think or feel like placing these rejections upon myself, I will read, “I am loved.” “They do like you!” “You are worthy of long-term love.” “Think of that statement in the most positive way. He cares about you.” “People enjoy your company.”

The child inside has a lot of work still to do.

You Say

September 2019

You say that you believe whole-heartedly in the idea of twin flames… It’s just that… I am not your one twin flame, you’ve got many. I’ve read that too. You say that we just think alike and that is all it is. I politely disagree. You say that “love is just around the corner, be patient.” I assume that is your way of telling me, “I’m not interested. I hope it comes soon for you so you’ll get off my back about it.” You say that people have struggles and troubles and that my problems are trivial compared to all the others. I hear you. I’m trying hard to be your friend, but you say nothing when I text you. It hurts to be ignored. Yet, you say “like,” “like,” “like,” again and again on my social media. Will I always be an arms-length away? You say, “move on and get over” you… You say it in your serious tone. So I begrudgingly say, “k.”

I wished you’d say, “I believe in us, whatever this is, I believe in us. I’m going to stop running away from you. I’m going to let you climb back up on this wall with me: Take my hand. Let’s enjoy the “end of the world” from up here. Let me hold you. People have struggles, but our love for each other… Our shared mission, can help them through. We can bring love back into humanity! We can do this together. Don’t move on. Don’t get over what we had… Because what we had was amazing. I want it back too. I want it more. Love is not just around the corner… It is right here in my arms, in my eyes when I look at you, and in our soul. I. Choose. You.”

Lack of Acceptance Breeds Resentment

August 2019

“I throw in the white flag. I am letting go. I’ll take the blame for my delusion so you can be free.” I say these words to myself almost daily.

As I make my attempt to move on (from romantic hopes), I find myself defending him and resenting my friends for their lack of forgiveness. One friend mentioned how difficult it is to really know another and she doesn’t envy my position. Another friend tries to convince me to talk on the phone more. “Besides my mother, there are only two people with whom I can talk on the phone for hours- my childhood best friend and my close friend whom I am not allowed to mention.” Their reaction confirms my need to keep him hidden in a safe place near my heart. I wish they could forgive him like I have. He is my twin flame: A friend for life. But they are unwilling to accept his place in my life because he chose a different path where he holds someone else’s hand along the way.

A good looking tall man dropped his phone without noticing. I picked it up and put it on the table between him and his lady. He thanked me. Then, my friend goes on and on about “He is your soulmate! Look… He keeps checking you out.” She tells our other friend who returned shortly after. I said “No he’s not! Stop now!” The other friend clued her into how angry I was becoming and added “Besides… He’s like 20 something. She wouldn’t be interested in that.” I appreciated her ability to see other people rather than cling to her own agenda.

It angered me- not because he may or may not have been… I pray each day that I may find that extraordinary kind of reciprical love. I was angry because she took it upon herself to declare my fate! She can so quickly decide that who she thinks should be in my life is the one… Yet, cannot respect the person I have opened my heart to for deep connection and intimacy via our friendship. I resented her for it. Although I see his pictures and know that I do not fit into his life… I am angry that I cannot even invite him to be a part of my inner circle of friends… Not that his girlfriend would ever allow it. But the fact that I cannot is heartbreaking. My family accepts him and frequently asks how he is doing or if I have heard from him. My mother empathizes with our connection. I know my friends want to protect me from being hurt again. But I am a grown woman who chooses this friendhip despite the past or high probability of “never.” They need to forgive and move on… As I have tried to do.

I think of all the resentment that he must harbor for me each time I have been unwilling to accept that he only sees me as a friend.

Oh the lessons we learn.

Kundalini Rising

August 2019

After words of strength and power, all that is mighty and divine within my feminine being… I return to the comforts of his control. His ownership in the most pure and loving way.

Spiraling. Warm. Kundalini Rising. Erotic. Pleasure. His sticky love fills me to the point of vibrational ecstasy.

The Debate and The Excuses

August 2019

The debate:

“He’s here to help you.”  No Lord!  He’s not.  I can’t keep going through it with him.  I can’t love him.  I can’t be near him lest I fall over and over, deeper in love with all of him. 

“Listen.  Look.” [A Beatles song, on the left… a sign showing a submarine just like the Yellow Submarine… only pink.  On the immediate right, a lane bearing his last name. Clear cut synchronicity telling me to “shut up!”].

“He’s a part of your future whether you can accept it or not.”  I relent… After all, he has all the qualities that I lack, but need in order to succeed in this venture.  And I have strengths that would benefit him in his dream of service.  It would be an amazing partnership.

“Indeed.” Okay.  I can only promise that I will be “open” to whatever outcome You have in Your plan Lord.  I will get out of the way.

“Thank you.”

The excuses:

“I present to you:  Your spirit animals for this journey.”  Shouldn’t I “caw” like the crow, saying “Stay Away!  Let me be!” or enjoy the free reign of the field as does the lonely coyote kit?

“You forget.  The crow ‘caw, caw,’ cautions others, but the others do not listen.  He is never alone.  Neither is the coyote alone, for it is One with the Earth.  There is no isolation in the Oneness!”  Besides… He’s too busy with his life… his eventual wife.

“You talk a big talk on faith, connection with Me, eyes and ears attuned to the Oneness, but you have a complete lack of faith in other people!  It is easier for you to see the unseen than for you to see how much people care about you… Especially him.  Of course, he has been pushed away… You have lacked faith in him.”  I can’t have faith in him!!  He let me down.

“He doesn’t see it that way and neither should you!  Have faith in those workings that you don’t understand.  For it is in those times that I see you growing and living up to the Divine Feminine.”  Well.  I guess it doesn’t matter.  I’ve given up hope on him ever loving me anyway.

“As you should!”  Wow. Straight to the point. No sugar coating. Thanks.

“You had never let him lead.  You stole that from him with your expectations.  You need to give up… To allow him space to feel.  You’ve never allowed him the chance to feel or show it.  Lest you denied him with your insecurities!  There had been times when he tried to show you, but you threw it back in his face with your disbelief that anyone could ever feel love for you!  I cannot reveal to you what is in his heart… But I will say… If the window is closed forever, it is because you couldn’t get out of your own way!”  I thought I was being humble.  I didn’t want to assume he cared when he wasn’t actually saying it. 

“No!  You were sabotaging his chance to express love to you because you have never felt like you deserve it.” [Daily reminder from my brother when we were growing up: “Nobody likes you. No one will ever love you.  You should just go kill yourself…” Yeah, it kind of fucked me up more than I realized].  But I wasn’t allowed to accept it.  He wasn’t free to give it!!  It would’ve been wrong to let that kind of love flow.

“But he did!  He did because you meant something to him too.  You rejected him first!  Then… you blamed him for rejecting you!!”  [My soul cries with shame].  How do I make it right?

“Let go!”  But I’m terrified.

“Of what?”  That I’m the only one who feels it.  That I’m alone in this.  That I really am just crazy and delusional.  That I will lose him.  That he won’t ever return my love. 

“The faith you have in every other aspect of your life has proven beyond a doubt that your intuition, connection with divinity, and your gifts are real!  Why not trust that in this?”  Because someone… A person… Another human with the freedom of choice… is involved.  I cannot assume or claim certainties about another person’s feelings.  Besides… I have no clue what he really thinks or feels. 

“Oh, but you do. Let it in.”  When I open up and let it in, he disappears or gets closer to someone else.  It breaks me more and more each time.  I’m afraid I won’t repair. 

“And you can’t think of any reasons why that pattern keeps happening?  Really?”  Well, yes, I suppose.  I know I push him toward that.  I push him away.

“Yes.  You do.”  But isn’t it more important to be supportive?

“You can be supportive without being inauthentic.”  But every time I’ve told him how I feel, he says, “That’s why I don’t get close to people.”  It makes me feel worthless… like I’m not worthy of caring for him.  He has made it very clear that he has no romantic feelings for me and me having them for him “hurts him.”

“He doesn’t want to fail you.”  He could never fail me!  He is my hero! I see his human flaws and I still love every bit of him. 

“Sometimes, that’s all you can do.  Let it go.” [Silence].

“But when he does come around, have faith in him.  You mean a lot to him.  You are important to his life.  He loves you in the best way that he knows how.”  Okay.  I will.

Take It Seriously

August 2019

I take love and friendship very seriously. When I connect with someone, I want to protect the sanctity of our bond… And the bond they have with others. Therefore, my twin flame has publicly stated that his girlfriend is his best friend and “Love.” He always downplayed it before, which somehow made it okay for us to “be real” with each other… But now that he has come forward with “deeply caring” for her. I have to respect that bond because 1) that is my duty as a friend and 2) love and “best friend” status are serious matters. So, no more flirty sexting or talk of ownership. No more hanging out in person with the hope of more. No more talk of him being my twin flame. No more thoughts of him in my bed at night. I must give these things up. I cannot put him in compromising situations or even conversations. I am not his best friend any more. I am not his love. From now on, I respect that she holds that sacred place in his heart.

Single White Female -ish

August 2019

In a previous post, I asked God for clarity on my next step. The first thing he inspired me to do was erase a long rant full of negativity and inaccuracies. I was living “below the line” in a place of lack. In a sense, I was telling self-deprecating lies to explain our current situation. In the moment of writing it, I thought it to be “truth…” And it would’ve hurt him as much as it hurt me. But God reminded me that neither of us deserves that pain. Besides, this blog is meant to encapsulate truth and authenticity. So the right thing to do was erase it. To replace it with words of encouragement for what we have built thus far.

Later in the day, I was gifted with visions… He was introducing me to his family at a BBQ. His mom was in the kitchen: We hugged and said our pleasantries. Then he introduced his dad and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest! “I finally get to meet his best friend! How are you?” I was so grateful for the opportunity to be a part of his life that before stepping outside, I stopped him. Put my hand on his chest and said “Thank you.” We continued the day of fun in the sun. Not that it was a show, but everyone could see he was in his most natural, authentic state as we teased and flirted. He teased that he was going to push me in the pool, so when he said, “okay, I’m kidding. I won’t push you in…” I smirked and pushed him in instead. I jumped in too. He’d wrap his arms around me and pull me close- with no shame to show this to his family. And they liked me! The didn’t know me yet but they knew “all about me” since I had been his friend for so long. They liked me because they saw the spark of a twin flame in him!

Later, I saw myself in other parts of his life. But it wasn’t until the next day that I realized: It is my next step.

I am very insecure when compared to other women. Who does the comparisons? Me. It’s my pattern in dating and with crushes. I have never been able to visualize myself in their lives because I never truly believed they really cared: I thought they were faking just to pass the time until something better came along. Yet with my twin flame, he never left. Through torment and turmoil (mostly by me), he still cares and wants me in his life as his friend. You might say… Well that’s easy… Friends are easy. Hahaha. Not with what I have put him through!! Most friends would have said “good riddens” about a year ago. Granted, we have drifted apart, but that is because I needed to get through my own shit and I’m sure he wanted to “be a new man” with new relationship behaviors too. But when I have needed a friend… Not my girl friends, not my family… He was the one to step up and reach out. So it leads me to believe that… Why yes. He does want me in his life. Don’t I owe it to him and myself to actually envision myself there?

The vision I had was seemingly of the romantic nature… But, those who know about the twin flame bond would be able to identify that it wasn’t necessarily romantic… It was simply the natural connection and energy… There is no other way to Be around this person!

So I will practice “seeing” myself in his life. Here’s where I fear I’m being a “single white female:” Over the last year and a half, I have spent many, many hours imagining all the love and beautiful moments he has been creating with his new best friend and love (All-in-one person… It was his dream!). I know that I will not replace her, nor would I want to because he is happy with her! She is one of the three most important women in his life. So I am not practicing this to push her out and get in there myself… No! I am practicing this for me! Because it is my blockade to finding lasting love in my own life. Our twin flame loves us enough to trigger our demons. This is one of my demons and I know my twin flame is there to support me through it.

To be continued….

I’ll Hold to My Promise

August 2019

Calm. Coming out of the fog. Gaining perspective of love. Remember what it means to truly love without conditions. I wanted to bolt… Frantic… Questioning what is real. A promise held its tight grip on me. “I made you a promise… I wouldn’t go.” Settling in to acceptance despite how badly it hurts. And then it hit me. Laying in the stillness of my mind… You know… That place of involuntary shut down after rapid fire processing. I realized: I feel safer if I stay… It is more comfortable to trust. I don’t want to leave this place. This is exactly where I belong. There is no benefit to running. Just Be Still. I feel safe because I know we are still connected. I trust because he has established that in me. Just get some rest.

Carry Me Lord

August 2019

Okay, Lord. You’re gonna have to carry me through this one. My body is numb. My mind is in a fog. My heart bursts. My soul is lost. I shall Be Still until You lead me.

Stages of Grief after Loss: Denial/ Isolation. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. And finally… Acceptance.

August 2019

We all have a unique story to tell. My hope is that by sharing my story, others will better understand their own lives and circumstances.

After reading the linear progression of my story, it sinks in that he never got to know me. He saw the me who was stressed over the injustice of my job. He saw heartbreak after betrayal and the subsequent resentment that compounded. He saw the me that crested and crashed, always worrying about his reciprocity of my love. He knew glimpses of the spontaneous, goofy, calm, all-put-together woman that I am but never presented himself long enough to enjoy it. I am sorry for all of that. I had “shit” I had to get through: Anger, Jealousy, Possessiveness, Inferiority, Shame…. My baggage doesn’t define me… But it’s all I let him see. I was a fool to think he’d feel an eros kind of love for me when I showed him my ugliness. I could never blame him for his rejection. Out of it, we have created a strong friendship where we have each other’s back through all the trials of life.

I spoke about creating a New Story. No more Old Wounds. No more Pushing Buttons. A new friendship. A new vision. Start a new journey… One step at a time… Forward. No looking back.

I envision his happy, peaceful but busy life since our daily time together so long ago. It’s a really great life. I become sad because I am not in it. I don’t belong there.

I knew their energy and connection before they did… I sensed it. When I teased him about it, he denied it. But I knew it to be true. And a few months later… They dived in. I always knew she belonged there. I have fought it for the longest time because I hoped… I hoped for something that I knew I was not a part of. I would get confused when wrapped in his arms… But in the everyday vision… I can’t see myself in his future. I know he knows that too.

Don’t get me wrong: I will always believe us to be twin flames. But I am not his future. I see them loving each other deeper as the years go by, starting a family, owning a house, laughing and teasing while doing mundane chores side-by-side, holding hands at a family bbq or her helping “mom” or “sister” in the kitchen, growing old together… Progressing down the track of what a relationship should be. He is so happy there. She’s perfect for him… In my mind.

I love him too much to get in the way of that. He deserves this happiness. I am so incredibly blessed to have shared a snippet of his journey… To be the flame that sparked change in his life that he may look at his demons and squash them. I like to think I helped him break down the wall just a little… Just enough so that he could allow the blossom of trust to grow with another. At least I hope I was able to do that for him.

Love always wins! But we can’t think of love from man’s perspective… We have to see it from the eye of the Divine. Love. Always. Wins. I wish them the very best!

Acceptance.

They Can’t Take That Away

August 2019

When I was anxious. When I was scared. You made the call when no one else dared.

No matter what they say or how much they disagree. I know your heart and the way you feel about me.

So I reserve the right to confess my love- to “philia” it is akin. When they want to talk about us, I say “Eff ’em all you’ll still be my twin.”

How to Overcome Intuition and Simultaneously Slap God in the Face

July 2019

Now I know what you must be thinking, “Slap God!” This chic should be ashamed to say such a thing. Allow me to explain my choice of words…

If you’ve raised children, you’ll get it much easier: God is my Father, Heavenly Papa, Divine Dad. When children become frustrated or angry because they don’t know why Mom is saying, “No” or “Wait,” at times, they are only capable of responding with physical aggression. They cry and hit upon you. After a long day of holding it all together at school, they come home and… That’s right… Melt down and take it out on mom or dad. Children act in this manner not because they wish to offend. They may “wail” (hit and cry) on you because they trust that Mom and Dad will still love them at their worst. They can unleash the pain, stress, pent-up energy, anger of the day – being their authentic selves – because they are fully comfortable with their target.

Those without children may relate better to those romantic movies where the girl knows her boyfriend loves her deeply – she trusts that – and so she – in anger… through tears – slaps him. He holds her tight until she completely releases the need to lash out. She is in pain and he is that protective space for her because she knows he’ll love her when it’s done.

This is why I slap God. I am His child. He loves me through my pain. He’s strong enough to be my punching bag when I don’t understand and wish to give up on “His plan.”

My heart and gut speak of unconditional love. One so powerful it cuts through time and space to breathe in the Now. I trust in his love – I really do. But I can’t see the future nor the ending. I’m forced into a faith: Not blindly… Because I know him. I know him as I know myself. It took me a long, long, long, long time to get to this point of trust. To have this faith in his dedication to our friendship.

But I do now.

I’ve stopped fighting. I’ve stopped running. Mainly because I’m exhausted. I don’t have the energy for fight or flight, so I’m left with Just Be. Just Be Tao. Just Be Love.

So as he progresses on his own journey with the other woman he loves… in the way I wish he loved me… I must remind myself… Just Be Love. For I get to know him. The real. The goofy. The compassionate. The dark.

But I have to admit: It’s hard and terrifying to chance losing the deepest, realist, purist love I’ve ever known (speaking more about our bond as kindred spirits rather than my romantic feelings). It’s also disheartening to be told you will never get the chance to express the “potential.” Breathe. Just Be Tao. Not all twin flames were meant to be romantically involved. Some have the greatest friendship not humanly possible… For it comes from the divine.

I’m not ready to believe in “never” quite yet, but for the sake of “the real world,” I try and convince myself that never is what I shall live with… Each “knowing” in our connection, each hint that she’s not “The One” comes the possibility of maybe, each time he “creates space…” It feels like a twisting of the knife in my heart as if it were making a tiny space for a seed of hope to be planted and then left unwatered to wither and die.

This is the point I want to slap God… To wail on Him… Secure in the notion that He will still love me. I beg for Him to take the feelings away… Yet each time I beg… Each time I walk away… He tells me to be patient. Be still. Just Be Love.

I do love him. Not because I want something from him. I love him because I am compelled to from a commander greater than I. That’s why the friendship always wins. That’s why I’ll support him and who he chooses to love. That’s why I’m just left with… Love.

And Love means to kill your ego. Overcome your intuition for the sake of friendship and a loving connection. To support him with an open heart.

So the best way to overcome my intuition… To rid myself of these feelings that won’t seem to go away… Is to give him my heart in the palm of his hand and ask him… with all the love he has for me… to squash it! I will repair. I will become new. But one quick break, crush, pummel is better than drawn out jabs.

I’m not asking him to break off our friendship. Or leave… When I’ve promised that I wouldn’t bail anymore. I’m simply asking for a reality check… And as my best friend, I don’t think that’s too much to ask of him. I don’t want him to downplay how much she means to him anymore. To try and protect me.

Flaunt it! Wail on me!! I’ll still love him afterward. I want to see them together. See how he looks at her. To finally know that when he looked at me, it wasn’t romantic love. See the joy in his eyes. To finally understand the difference between his joy of friendship and joy of desire. See his arms around her. To witness to the fact that she fits more perfectly and naturally in his arms than me. I know him, but she gets his every day. I want to see how she knows him better than I. All these things will crush me. But I need them so that I can prove that my intuition lies to me.

I know him. He once said, “You know you love someone when you are happier with them then without them.” I want to see his happiness. As his friend, I want to join him in his elation. But the other part of me needs that reality check.

My reality check: He chooses to love her… As his twin… I support him.

The Beginning and The End

The continuing story from “Before the Beginning”

July 2019

Chapter 8: The Beginning

“Face it, Mom.  I am the ‘Fix-it child.’  After Dad had that affair, you went on a vacation to try and “fix it” and poof- you get pregnant… Oops… With a lovely baby girl- The Fix-It Kid.”  “You are not a fix-it kid!”  She attempts to explain to deaf ears.  I had made up my mind years ago.  “I have come to terms with my role.  I am the one who can see all perspectives- all sides of the story- so that I can help facilitate peace- to fix it.”  Did you really feel like you had to do that with your father and me?”  “Well, yeah.  I mean… I didn’t have you sit down for couple’s therapy or anything, but in individual conversations… Yeah.”  She never spoke about the affair to bash my dad- just to be transparent in “what was.”  I knew her anger.  She worked and raised the kids so that he could complete college on the 20-year plan- often lying about going to class and earning credits- four years in… he was still a freshman lying about attending full-time.  She slaved away- empowering women for generations- while he flirted and wooed a young rich tennis champion… The infamous Maria.  Oh Maria.  She finally left him after graduation- breaks his heart with the ol’ “Go back to your wife” bit.  Late one night he confessed to his non-physical yet emotional transgressions to a wife whose intuition already made it obvious.  Why did she stay?  Why not leave then?  “God told me to stay until the time I gave my pearls to swine.”  He still loved the other woman and fell into a deep depression with her departure. He swore he still loved my mom, but she knew you cannot love more than one person at a time.  Yet she stayed. She was the second-place winner of a brand-new schmuck.  If she knew about the darkness and life-long depression to follow… She may have decided to leave despite God’s command.  But of course, if she had left… She would not have had me!  The Fix-It Kid.

Chapter 9:

The temp agency had assigned me to a small branch in a non-profit company after I had applied for a permanent position in their main branch.  A position that didn’t really exist yet due to funding.  I quickly made a name for myself.  I rocked it!  My position was extended another month as the woman I was subbing for hadn’t returned from her medical leave.  “Ah, my last company meeting.  I’m going to miss working here,” I thought as I sat in the back of the room, so no one noticed me.  I’m not a front row center kind of gal unless it’s at a Willie Nelson concert.  “It’s good to see you!” The director from the main branch stopped me as I was attempting to slip away after the meeting.  “How are you liking it over there?”  After stating all my niceties about the position, I excused myself blaming my rush on my kids’ pickup schedule and not my social anxiety.  On the drive home, the phone rang: “Hey, this is Sandy,” said the director at the main branch.  “The craziest thing just happened.  One of my managers just gave his notice.  The position is yours if you still want it!” If I want it?  My other position was ending just as this one was opening… Providence.  Take the smooth path that shows itself to you or struggle to find another route?  “Fantastic! I’ll get the papers over to you right away for you to sign.”

Chapter 10: The Final Chapter

“I’m coming up!” He resolved.  “Why?”  I felt like there was no resolve to these issues. “So we can talk about this.”  His tone seemed to indicate an uncertainty as to why I questioned him.  “What for?” There was sadness in my voice, but I recovered it with sarcasm, “Oh yeah James, come on up… You can tell me about why you’re pushing me away!”  I continued, “I conceded when you said you could never date me.  I tried to be your friend.  But for the last several months, you’ve been pushing me away!  Come on up and tell me why!”  “I haven’t been pushing you away.  You have been pushing us away.”  “US?  You destroyed us when you chose to fuck her!”  The rage was building inside… I could feel it bubble up to explode.  “Us!?!  Really!?!  That memento was a reminder for me of a time when there was an ‘us.’  When we shared intimacy.  We made everyone jealous with our connection… Just the two of us in our bubble.  Come to find out… You betrayed ‘us.’ You were never even in that bubble!”  He was getting angry now, “Yes I was!”  Tears well up in my eyes, “That’s even worse!  You mean to say that you knew me- raw and authentic.  You got me.  You loved me.  And you still chose her!” Bawling now, I muster, “You broke my fucking heart!” Silence. 

I hung up. I cried as if it happened yesterday.  Replaying the moment that I read the gossip: “He fucked her!  They are dating.”  Over and over as it has for the last year and a half.  Wow!  I’m sobered and appalled that it has already been a year and a half that I have held on to this pain… that I haven’t “let it go.”  In my relapse I didn’t notice that nearly an hour had gone by.  Ding.  The text read, “I’m here.  Open the door.”  Then another, “Please.”  My stomach immediately knots at the anticipation of this confrontation.  I wipe my face, put on my brightest fake smile and opened the door. “Hi!”  But of course, he reaches through the façade and grabs the pain behind my eyes.  Without a word he pulls me in for a hug.  The kind that breaks down walls and busts open the “damn” flood gates.  A part of me- mainly my rational brain part- feels stupid for letting him in.  But my heart- the part that pumps life through my veins- soaks up the peace and his acceptance.  He cries too- holding me tighter so I don’t notice.  An eternity of pain melts away.

His chest rises as he takes a deep inhale.  His hands grasp my shoulders to stabilize me in a position to listen.  “Carol… I’ve never lied to you.”  “You have!  You slept with someone else and didn’t tell me for 4 months… I had to hear it from someone else!  You were supposed to be my best friend. Omission is a lie!”  He looks upward as if thinking of a way to word it in a way that my hard head will finally absorb.  “But whenever you’ve asked me questions, or we’ve talked… I have never lied to you!  When I said, I love you, I wasn’t lying.”  “Yeah, you love me as a friend,” I retort in an immature snooty fashion.  He lightly slaps my face. “Listen!” He commands.  “I love you.  You don’t ever allow yourself to hear it!”  I don’t know if I can believe him.  I can’t understand why he would break our bond if he truly loved me.  “When I said you were like my mirror- my reflection- that was the truth.  You get me better than any one ever could.”  “Then why be with ‘Take it or leave it’ girls instead of your mirror- the woman who understands you better than anyone else?”  “Here’s the problem: I can’t date my reflection, because… I hate myself.  I am a bad man.  I’ll never change!  You get me because we are one-in-the-same.  The thinker, worrier, battling with depression.  I get into these dark deep funks and I can’t get out.  I see you. You think the same way.  Worry about the same issues.  And constantly check yourself before sinking into a depression.  But that is scary!  I don’t want to pull you down.  But you and I in many ways are so different.  I am dark.  I see that in you.  But I also see light.  Despite all you’ve been through- all I’ve put you through- you embody hope!  You always know that goodness and love win!  You are so goddamned stubborn about it too!  You’re the strongest, smartest woman I know.  You amaze me in so many ways.  I’d be a fool not to see that.”  His words start to sink in.  He truly cares.  But he’s not saying he wants to date me.  My eyes close- as I don’t want the emotion to escape before I find the words.  A wave of serenity- and then I begin: “You are dark.  I see you. But when you see the light in me- you also glimpse upon specks of light in you. Just as I have grains of darkness.  I see your good.  You deeply care for other people; you just fear the pain that comes when those you care for are disappointed in you.  You have tenderness with others’ pain, but don’t allow yourself to feel it.  You are a good man!  You are in me and I am in you.  A compliment.  A oneness that cannot be easily separated.  Love. In its purest form.  It cannot be named lest it’s purity be stolen by words.” I understood.  The magnitude.  The blockade. 

And so, I was placated… once more.  Knowing things would never change. He would never call me “his girl” and I would never wake up to stay in bed with him for an entire Sunday.  Tears well up again because I can only speak the words, “This is the moment where I hate God!”  Immediately my mind reflects on Job and how he never cursed God.  I wanted to take it back but knew I couldn’t.  I had cursed my God for the sake of love.  For a love that will always be- yet would not be. 

He left that night after another long hug followed by a warm loving kiss “Goodbye.”

The Sad Switch

July 2019

I used to convince myself not to text. A quarter never sent. I craved your attention and made excuses to contact you. A song. A funny phrase. Anything to insert a picture of me inside your frontal lobe. My brain and heart duked it out. My heart always won. I tried to bait you in to just talking: Hoping, “Maybe he’d ask to see me.”

Time and again, you showed me that I wasn’t a priority. You were too busy. Too tired. “If a man cared… There would be no excuses.” I remind myself of those words.

These days… It’s harder to convince myself to text. “What’s the point? Would you even respond?” Maybe I should call. I want to get over my dread and just call!!! Your “knowing” voice is like a hand that helps me down from this ledge. But now I convince myself to wait a little longer. A little longer. A little longer. Until it’s too late. Butterflies win. Then I think of what you must be doing if I did call. A terrible hurt takes over. The call never happens. “Why bother? It will have the same result.” And it’s not in my favor.

You’ll fade away. I will miss you. I will have love for you always my dear friend. But as you wish… I’ll fade away too.

Lead Me There

July 2019

There’s an end to you and a beginning to me.

Your breath makes me come alive.

Palm pressed on your chest.

Rapid fire – pulse.

Sinking into the rhythm of mine.

Close your deep dark eyes to see my soul.

Your touch alone commands my voice.

“Dare I escape?” – owned.

Will you lead me there?

“A dare you might accept, yet only failure will you find. For you are you and I am me. But together we are One… of-a-kind.”

Caring Through the Pain

June 2019

Caring about other people can be wonderful or it can be gruesome. It can bring joy or pain. But I refuse to stop caring about other people despite the times it is painful. Sometimes… That’s when we all need each other the most.

A Clear Picture

June 2019

It’s amazing how talking with someone can bring the clarity that texting was unable to capture. When you hear phrases like, “I would never have noticed you were gone” or “It doesn’t matter to me either way.” You know that you are no longer meaningful to that person. “How about… I’ll call you,” knowing they never initiate contact. When you can hear the irritation and annoyance in their voice, that is when you know they no longer get nor accept you. It hurts. All this time you have tried to hold on to what was special, but they never took a second thought about it. You’ve worked on your own shit so that you could have them in your life only to find that it didn’t matter to them. You have been discarded, as you are no longer needed. They got what they wanted but can’t see that you just wanted validation that you meant something to them too. Lesson learned: If a person has no desire or drive to just naturally show you that they give a shit… Then chances are… They don’t give a shit!

Girl… Just open your heart to the next adventure. You are loved!

Giving

June 2019

Give freely your friendship and love. For all the energy comes from above.

Someone’s attention, you cannot take, if you try the love will break.

So I will freely give my energy to you. I ask that you do the same too.

I want to know we can rest our heads on each others’ shoulder. That we can depend on each other as we grow older.

Personal connection makes this life worth living. But only when we dont zap the energy… Only when we practice giving.

When We Are New: Say Hello.

June 2019

The rearview shows your deceptions… You fear I will see the memory of all the times you hurt me. I laugh so you can’t see that my tears came from the pain. Did you think I would ever forget?

Despite that tear, you are a good man. Just not for me.

I sop up the mess made by my bleeding heart… In fear it will stain my solid foundation. One built on love. On trust. On being open in spite of your shame.

The windshield shows only fog… You fear I will see that the future holds nothing with you. I cry so that you don’t see that my tears hide my laughter. Did you think I ever forgot that?

Despite that humor, you did care. Just not for me.

I sop up the mess made by my bleeding heart… In fear it will stain my solid foundation. One built on love. On trust. On being open in spite of your shame.

New people in new lives might someday be friends. But never can friends be built on the memories we’ve made.

If ever you love, trust, and can be open… I will love, trust, and be open.

Admit Me: I’m Officially Crazy

June 2019

My measure of faith has grown over the years. I look to the Lord for answers to prayers. I read the Bible to guide my questions. I’m open to the signs around my natural world to reaffirm I am on the right track. I listen for God’s voice and follow His lead. He has blessed me every step of the way!

But when it comes to love… At what point does my faith in the process and hope for the outcome I believe God is facilitating, lose its validity? At what point do I declare: “I’ve only jumped down the rabbit hole of my delusions! Maybe I should be examined for mental illness.”

Do I continue to believe… Have faith in that which I cannot see… Trust that God is calling me back to this man over and over for a reason… Do I hope despite “reality” proclaiming something different?

Follow the world and walk away? Or follow God’s lead even though I don’t understand? Or seek medical attention… Now. 🙂

I Thank You

May 2019

You don’t know me from Jane down the lane. So why would I think I was special to you?

I don’t know you from Joe down the row. So why were you so special to me?

Perhaps it was the discontentment in the air that sparked the connection we share. Or the understanding at a core level that made our virtues slide down the bevel. I made you important and lost sight of me. I made myself important and the real you I couldn’t see. But now that our friendship is slowly falling apart, I’m drawn to remember us from the start.

Our friendship has allotted me a tremendous amount of reflection. (I just have to throw in a word that rhymes with reflection. Uhh huh huh huh. Perv). The mind might serve us with recollections of a bleak and dark plight, but from now on, I choose to see the beauty and the light.

My lemonade:

I learned how much I am willing to take for someone I care a-hell-of-alot-for. I learned the depth of your patience each time I’d walk out the door. I practiced forgiveness with each memory of pain. I practiced letting go when you’d get inside my brain. I held on to you when you pushed me away. I held on to the friendship expressed by the music we play. I loved greater than I ever thought I could. Because I know if I really needed you to show up for me, you would.

So I thank you with all of my heart despite my putting you through the ringer. I thank you because you’ve been a good friend when you really just want to give me the finger.

I Thank You.

Ruler of the Sea

May 2019

Psalms 89:9 declares, “You rule the raging sea; when its waves mount up, You still them.” Luke 8: 22-25 tells how Christ stills the sea.

He provokes her love masked as a sudden and fierce rage… Oh how he controls her heart as no one else dared. He rarely crosses her sea, but when he does, he sleeps. Trusting in God’s plan. At peace.

She tempts him with her destructive forces. Wake up! See me! Feel me! Taste me!

Other men have feared her rise and fall. They had escaped her wrath. He chose love over fear. The tempest’s wave crests and threatens to break. With a raised hand he commands, “Peace. Be still.”

His voice calms her. He sees her once more! “My Lord!” She sighs. Despite her strength and grandiose spirit, she obeys his command.

Others marvel, “Who is he that even the waves obey him?”

“I am who I am.”

It’s Gonna Be Okay

April 2019

“It seems he may not be the one,” she said about “the new guy” as I opened the door to leave. “It’s not that…” I began as tears rolled down my cheeks. “… I’m just so angry!” She knew exactly who I spoke of… As “he” “the other guy” is the one who captivates my heart. “You were one with him. And now you are having to tear yourself away from that.” Her wisdom hurt, but it was true.

“I just want to stomp my feet: It’s not fair!” But I know that he doesn’t love me like that so I have to force myself to adapt. I have to learn to love someone else as deeply as I’ve loved him. It feels like a betrayal. It feels wrong to let someone else into the place where he made his home. “Mom, I really thought he was the one for me. Now I have to force myself to let him go.”

I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. I know he cares about me a great deal. I know it pains him when I express my desires because he’s unable to return those feelings. I’ve been in his shoes so I empathize how he feels… I know how uncomfortable it feels to be around someone who won’t relent and just accept “no.”

But I don’t want to learn somebody new. I don’t want to think of anyone else to be the one I tell first when I have joy to share. I want his arms around me when I lament. I want to tackle life’s challenges with him! I don’t want this kind of intimacy with anyone else.

But alas, love is a crazy game where we can’t always choose who we “feel it for.” That is why I know it is necessary to “get over it” and embrace our solid friendship… Only.

But damn it!

I guess I’m still a work in progress.

The Traveler

March 2019

Oh ye skilled, but solo traveler setting your intentions toward the destination… Confide in me… To whom can you give your command? To what can you dedicate your energy and love?

To the river? She flows from the mountains, taking you from your greatest highs to your lowest of lows. Sharing in all the joy and despair along the way.

To the current? Beware… her ability to sweep you away to places you may not want to go. Or maybe you do?

To the sea? Her expansive and intimidating plains could take a lifetime to fully explore… That is… If you can make it past the waves!

Or do you seek the safety and calm of the harbor? She will be there for you, day in and day out… Never failing in her consistency as a cozy port to call home after all your misadventures.

Can you choose just one and be a happy man? Or are you a world traveler who cannot place his claim in just one body of water?

Serenity

January 2019

Through desperate sobs attached to self flows a wave of peace from above. I don’t have strength to carry on… So I am carried on… the shoulders of Christ.

Twice have I felt this “knowing” strength and freedom from addiction…. 1st- when I finally knew I was done smoking. 2nd- when I finally knew “I will be alright” without my best friend in my life.

Frustration

October 2018

Shh… Feel It

September 2018

There are things I want to tell you… Things I want to say. But the timing precludes me from sharing those words… So actions in the moment rule the day!

I don’t want to speak them… They’d be cliche and run-of-the-mill. So many have thrown them around without warrant… But I hope you know, I feel it still.

I’ll make it known when we are ready… When the time is right. ‘Til then, rest assured that we’ve been weathered… That I’m here for us- our friendship is tight.

Mi amor. I adore all that you are with me.

Estoy bendecido. I am blessed to share these days with you.

Se mi amante y mi amigo. Be my lover and my friend.

Friendship

August 2018

You take my hand amidst the chaos swirling about around within. My heart thumping crushing terrified. I look into your eyes but i cant see you through my protective lens. It guards my heart from your grasp because i know if i let you see know experience me, it’s risky. You’ve said no never not one bit. Yet you want me to say yes always forever more. I commit. But would you to me? You cant. I know understand empathize. I just want to feel you again… Not with my body but my heart eyes breath. Here you hold me vulnerable afraid to jump afraid to drown. What’s the worst that could happen? You’d just keep saying no never not one bit….

Love through the resistance.

Finish the dream.

The 10-Day Cleanse

July 2018

Those 10 days… When a woman has to resist every temptation to text, call, or shout his name from a mountaintop to prove that she is not crazy. His lack of initiation and effort are clear signs that “He’s just not that into you.”

During the day, there’s a hope of love and solice in the fulfillment of life-as-is. But in the quiet nights when I’m left with a heavy mind and an aching heart, my joy kisses me on the forehead and excuses herself to bed.

The day bursts with freedom from love’s torment while the night binds me once again to her side.

(*okay readers: so literally within a minute of posting this original piece, he texted me. He does not follow my blog at all. I later asked and he confirmed that he had no idea I even wrote anything on here. I took that as a sign to forgive… BUT…. Here we are again. Another break… Who’s the fool?)

Day 1: “I can’t do this.” But the power within forces a breath. Just go one day… And then ask myself again, “Can I do this?”

Day 2: “Just keep busy.” Tell a friend. Burst into tears for a split second when the words slip through my lips… This IS happening. Friends find ways to occupy my mind so my heart can stop hurting… For even just a moment.

Day 3: “He’s just not that into me. He’s just not that into me. He’s just not that into me. Cause if he was… He’d choose me! He’d fight to be with me! He’s just not that into me….” Sometimes mantras are my saving grace when I want to fall to pieces.

Day 4: “Life goes on, right?” I muscle-memory through the day with a hollow pit deep in my core. The mind flashes images of the selfish wrongs he committed, while the heart pumps for all that was beautiful and right. I’m aware of the war inside… And that the only protection is to numb my soul until the fighting stops.

Day 5: Life gets busy. I forget for a moment that my heart has been trampled.

Day 6: I feel clean and clear. Refreshed and energized. I convince myself that I want him in my life so I’ll sacrifice my own needs and be “his friend.” I mean, this is the modern world right? Social and relationship conventions aren’t what they used to be. I’ll get my physical needs met while still having a deep connection with him… Who cares if he has a girlfriend… Right?

Day 7: Text. I find myself apologizing for “not being a good friend.” What the fu€k? I am sick!!!

He didn’t even realize I was “gone.” Well that’s disappointing.

Everything is back to the way it was before. I maintain a false sense of hope. 😦

Day 8: Didn’t make it.

Day 9: I decide to break down my wall for the betterment of the relationship. I share my excitement for our connection and my affections for him. His response each time this happens… Something along the lines of “So I got this hot chic’s number last night… Haha Just kidding!” “I slept with someone. Just kidding!” (Later finding out his actually had been lying to me for 5 months about it). Or “I’m moving in with my girlfriend.”

Day 10: I realized… A friend wouldn’t purposely try to break me down and hurt me just to “Keep me on my toes.” A friend- or if he had ever been interested in more- would cherish me and do all he could to build me up!

I am a beautiful free spirited woman eager to love…. He does not deserve me! Good riddens!

Come Home

March 2018

Still waters reflecting light that can’t be touched makes for an anxious mariner fearing what lies beneath the dark surface. When the nights turn cold, he focuses the lens of his spyglass toward the Eastern horizon. He understands that his bull-head and stubborn heart guide his journey. His heart yearns for the thrill of an adventure… To feel the thready pulsations rushing between each muscle fiber. His breath moves like the ebb and flow of the moon’s gravitational tug at his soul. “You get me through the day, now get me through these stormy nights,” he prays homage to the goddess of the sea. She feels his request and rises to greet him. Her grace permits his presence to ride her. “I will devour you,” she bellows with the increase of her waves. His eyes widen as he grins with satisfaction. Then without an ounce of fear, he angles his bow against the face and slides effortlessly atop the crest of her massive wave as if boasting that he controls the sea! She tempts him again to reveal his freedom in her. He is a lonely vessel who is lost when at bay… “Lift your anchor and drift home to me.”

Walk Beside Me

February 2018

Experience shapes my identity… This being that travels alone… On a dusty road, paved street, and sometimes on no charted path at all.

My memories of each step collect like stickers on a suitcase filled with things I don’t need:

Insecurities that no longer fit.

A self-image I can barely squeeze into.

Dreams that were only fashionable for a season.

And a hope that got broken along the way.

I can share remarkable photos with my closest friends and paint a picture of words about what I’ve been through, but they can never fully know the experience without having been there. Can anyone truly know another person since we are all solo travelers?

I look around and see that we are all exhausted from our trials on the journey:

We’ve all had the pain of abandoned love and the pleasures that come when love draws near.

We’ve been beaten down and have lended a hand to help someone else back up.

We’ve cried tears of joy and laughed in grief.

We’ve run, skipped, and tripped. But we continue… One foot in front of the other… Alone.

Until…

You allow someone to walk beside you.

Encouragement to a Friend

December 2017

Some say that our thoughts are bad… Even damaging. Yet we have been granted the freedom of choice. So for those who choose to allow themselves to be bound by their thoughts are indeed damaging their souls. But those who know that those chains of the mind are only an illusion, can break free! Their thoughts do not control them, rather… They guide their thoughts toward ingenuity, imaginings of the heart, and changing their world.

What will YOU choose?

Before the Beginning

November 2017

CHAPTER 1

The building was dingy, but that was to be expected, as most facilities of this sort tend to be.  I was greeted at the front desk and directed to wait for the director.  I was a little nervous about sharing my experiences because, well, who really wants to hire and become liable for a renegade.  The director introduced herself with excitement and eagerness to begin the tour.  I felt welcomed and as though I would fit right in.  As we toured the facility, I was introduced to faces and faces that passed by in a blur.  Then we approached the back station, where I saw him.

He was a sizable native with an air of humble intelligence and vibes of being a family man.  I suddenly stood a little taller and smiled, hoping to make a good impression.  But as quickly as the heart can skip a beat, it can sink.  His metallic band glared at me as if to scold, “Back off!”  So, I did.  I walked on.

CHAPTER 2

It had been months since I met him.  To be honest, I had forgotten about him.  When I returned to the facility where we had met, I thought little of meeting friends and more about making my mark as a competent employee.  Falling for someone was the farthest from my mind, but I quickly learned that he was indeed irresistible.

He was kind and compassionate about the feelings of others.  Most people feel as though they have done their due diligence after the acceptance of “I am fine.”  He was different: He read me and wouldn’t accept less than my authentic truth.  He made me laugh and when he laughed at my quirkiness, it was a full blurt of a laugh that can only happen when you’re taken by surprise.  Although he loved to play, he knew to be serious about the job.  There were times when he’d catch my eyes from across a room and hold his gaze while he smiled:  It made me feel as though we alone were privy to an unspoken conversation.  He knew exactly how to make me feel like the only girl in the room.

CHAPTER 3

The logical part of me warned against falling for him, but when you intend to hide from someone and they seem to find you and pull you closer… it’s nearly impossible to resist.  I tried.  I prepared myself before arriving to work “Don’t get involved! Put on a smile and pretend you don’t care.” I couldn’t hide from him because he would always see the real me.  He held me to my authentic self.  How could I simply walk away from a soulful connection… from someone like him?

I kept my feelings to myself.  I listened to music.  I got high.  I wrote poems and prose to alleviate the daily heartache I felt during each drive home.  My fear wasn’t so much in falling, but in the initial jump from great heights.  I decided that the best path was to be a friend.  I could be close to him and not lose our connection completely, but still maintain a healthy boundary near this married man.

CHAPTER 4

I was mad at God for playing this cruel joke on me.  I had been a faithful servant to His will, but had asked but one thing for my life.  I begged for a lover who could know me when I’m vulnerable, when I’m strong-willed, when I’m crying out of anger and frustration, when I lack a filter or overshare… one who sees me and feels me and understands me and still falls in love with me despite my weaknesses.  Someone who I also understand and can be a confidant to when he reserves himself from the rest of the world.  I want a man who arouses my body, mind, and spirit.  I want to give all of myself to him and I want him to give himself to me that we might bind together, strong and unbreakable.

Do I follow my heart and soul, ignoring who gets hurt?  Do I sacrifice my feelings to save a family?  The solution seems a no-brainer, but the drive for self-preservation and the magnetic force between us seems to overpower logic and moral law.

CHAPTER 5

Over the months, we shared more than our appreciation for classic rock and mellow grooves.  We shared our desires, our joy, and our pain.  He let me see his deep dark scars and I felt safe to show the tears in my soul and the tears in my eyes.  We were vulnerable with our sexual ideals and our resentments over faded relationships.  He loved to tease me when I’d blush: He knew his power over me and it got him off.  I was okay with that… I wanted him to own me.

He finally asked me why he could make me blush so easily.  I blamed our connection, but knew it was everything about him that aroused me.  The guilt began to sink in.  I wanted it gone.  I wanted it to disappear so that I could have my time with him.  I wanted to scream, cry, pout: Why not me?  Why did he have to be married!?  I had jumped from a plane with the parachute securely fastened, but now it felt as though he was asking me to take it off mid-fall just to see… “What if” I could fly?

I had to put my energy into creating love, just not my own.  That was God’s directive in the first place: BeTao- To Be Love.  “All you need is love.  Love is all you need.”  It broke my heart because he felt so right; as though he was the man I had been searching for all these years.  Why had the timing for this job been so calculated in the stars?  Why did I turn down the first offer with the other company only to continue searching?  Why did we find this connection only to have it stifled by his wedding band?  Would I have met him if I had listened to God in his directive to go to Valley Center? There were so many questions left unanswered, but what was clear were the statistics showing that married men do not leave their wives.  I decided to help him.  As his confidant and friend, I couldn’t watch him make decisions based on our short time in acquaintance.  I wanted him to be happy with the woman he chose.

CHAPTER 6

How can we love something we’ve lost?  Reacquaint yourself with why you loved it in the beginning.  I wanted him to dig deep in his heart and pull out the qualities that set his wife apart from all the other women at his feet.  His initial responses supported my theory that relationships are mirrors into ourselves and different people reflect diverse characteristics in us.  His wife reflected sexiness, playfulness, and a sense of mutual understanding.  They were about him.  I needed him to search harder in his heart to find why he loved her in the beginning, not how she made him feel.  As an example, I decided to answer my own question and his recent inquiry into his effect on me:

“You so easily make me blush because of your strength: Not only are you a protector and have the physical strength to defend my honor if it was ever needed, you have strength of character.  It shows in your confidence.  You know that others’ emotions don’t have to affect your own feelings and stability.  Yet you are secure enough in yourself to be a safe haven for others to expand on their own emotions.  You ask a woman how she’s doing and are able and willing to listen to an authentic response.  You sincerely care about the well-being of your staff, colleagues, and friends.

You love to joke and have fun, but that’s not the attractive part, it’s a bonus!  The attractive part is your smile and the way you deliver a full heart-felt laugh, especially when my comments surprise you.  I want to see you happy like that again and again because I know in those moments, you are feeling like the real you.

We have the same mind.  We think the same way.  We worry.  We analyze.  We dream and plan and can easily get lost in the dream and the plan.  We have the same need to escape from the demands of the constant merry-go-round that rarely stops for the view.  We want to reconnect with the earth between our toes.  We want to smell the pine and listen to the silence.

I admire our differences: You have an eye for details.  From an untruthful statement to an embarrassed glow.  You know the details of the who, what, when, and where, but I’ll tell you the why.  I admire your ability to reserve your joy, anger, and pain when I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Then there’s the attractive part that I can’t explain.  The feeling.  The butterflies in my stomach that only flutter away after a long and deep breath, only to take flight once again at your slightest touch.  The desires for you that go beyond a sexual stimulus.  I close my eyes to feel your strong arms wrapped firmly around me.  I dream of sitting at the edge of a field enjoying the stillness with you.  I want to dance and feel the vibrations mingling between us.  I want to make you laugh as your best friend, free to be authentic with each other while the world continues outside our bubble.  I want this to be real, mutual, extraordinary.  I want to prove the naysayers wrong- There is hope for the hopeless romantic!”

CHAPTER 7

I think I’ve said too much.

I Must Be Done.

May 2017

How can I forget about you

When I walk away and you follow?

The more I learn about who you are,

the harder the truth becomes to swallow.

I try to step back.

Pretend you don’t see me.

Your thrill is my pain.

It’s easy for you to say “Goodbye.”

To remember what it was like before “I knew you.”

You rush out the door back to your life,

Not realizing you’ve taken my heart too.

Decadent Sweetness

May 2017

Feasting on your kindness;

Fatten me up with your care.

You take advantage of my selective blindness:

Feed me more if you dare!

Morsels of what could be

Pieces of you are all I see.

Tender, melt-in-your mouth touch;

Let me gorge on every moment with you.

Resisting a diet of you is too much.

Your decadent sweetness… dining for two.

I enjoy thinking of you.

Accounts of Forbidden Bliss

April 2017

This was inspired by and written during 4 different acid jazz/jazz songs.  It is a continuous piece but I divided it by a bold title of the song being listened to during those portions:

Blue Nude

Couldn’t we just a just a just a little…

… Bit… of you. Bits of me.

I don’t wanna go so take me take me take me there where you are…

Free.

Mantra #5

Free for me. Free to live. Free to love…

… You… amaze me.  Intrigue and please me.

I wanna feel your beat. Tippiti tippiti bom bom tip tip. Slow. Rhythmic. Cool cat.

Divergence

Heat it up. Tap tap tap. Fast. Messy. Hot.  I wanna feel your heat. Your heart.

Bonjour Beze

Bits of you. Bits of me.

The Horizon

April 2017

I’m attracted to the horizon. I lust after the faded lines marking the end of firmament and foundation and the birth of endless possibilities.  A righteous sun strains my glimpse into the curves of a mountain’s body……..

Only moments before, it unveiled each mound of its strength.  Tender waves of heat taunted  and lured me to breath it in. I grew intoxicated as my breasts heaved and my lungs were filled with a dry heat. Pleasurable suffication.

…….I stand alone ready to succumb to its power. Ready to climb, ready to explore. I’m ready. Fear may pulse through my core, but it cannot surpass the love. I’m here. All in. Let’s do this. I’m Ready to be dominated by the elements, taken for a ride, humbled….

……………………………..(much much later)…..

I’m sufficating again as I gasp for my life line- the air is too thin up here. I look back on what I’ve accomplished with awe, but it’s hazy and seems distant. So I look to the other side. There it is!  Smiling as Provocative Peace rushes around and through me…

Move on legs. There’s no resting when you’ve got infinity before you.

An Energetic Foreboding

March 2017

I keep you locked away in a secret place. I’d rather have you in the safe then not at all.

Then you dangle the syringe. One shot. Deep breath. My world spins with satisfaction. I lean back in a blissful trance. Unaware that heroine doesn’t care about the junkie. And I am that junkie. I need my fix.

I tighten the belt. Take the shot. Loosen the belt expecting a wave of ecstasy to fill each vessel and crevice of my body. Emptiness. Panic. There was nothing in the syringe!

Frantically I tap the vessels again. Insert the needle. Push it in.

I can’t breathe. A rush of panic. What did I do? Why isn’t it there?

Sleepless nights. Running conversations, scenarios, wouldas and couldas. Anxious feelings test my faith: All prophesies have fallen into place as I’ve followed Your Directive, Lord. Yet I’m tempted with this fate only to have it pulled away again?

Social etiquette out the window. Emotional stability seems a distant form of myself. I grasp and pull at the syringe hoping it fills me: Hoping that the heroine really does care about this junkie.

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