Hello, Joy

Pushing 40 in a dry spell. Supposed to be in my prime. I’m a mom of perfectly imperfect loving souls. I’m the good cop and the bad guy. I’m the grey gal sneaking out at night. Put your hand on mine and hold me. ‘Cause I feel so alone some of the time. Heaviness. Makes it so hard to breathe.

Where has my Joy gone? She left me years ago. I wonder what she’s doing now. I heard from a mutual friend that she’s still in town, but she doesn’t come around… too often anymore. Maybe it’s because… around me… she can’t breathe.

Who am I? The me that is… pre- or post- orgasm? Are they the same woman? If I don’t cum can I show you who I am? I knew it was over when you didn’t kiss me. But I couldn’t kiss you either. I had to win. So our lips only slid across the surface. As if calling, “Who’s gonna go the last 10%?” Neither of us could do it. My heart stopped and I could barely breathe.

They can’t hold me back. They’ve not got the right. My faith is greater than their degradation. I’m being seasoned… put on fire. Seek those who lift us up. Step out of comfort and into the light. Surround ourselves with love. Clear up the present from a murky past. Take a breath of fresh air. Smile. As you open the door, “Hello, Joy.”


The Tsunami

There is a tsunami looming on the horizon where my soul once found solice. There was a time when I could look but never find the end to its expansive profile. But now a wall rises before me. Its waters escape from between my toes, pulling the sandy ground right out from under me. My balance wavers between running further onto shore or letting its power swallow me whole.

My Basilisk.

It eats me up inside: Not knowing. The thoughts gnawing their way down. Down into my core. Tired of the times I’ve cried: But not showing. The sickness craving attention when I try to ignore.

Its breath so sweet, its touch is a sin. Dark magic salaciously at play. Playing on my heart strings. The look it gives when we meet: I drink it in. Even with the knowledge that it means my death, I submit to the serpent’s callings.

I’m fighting to face it then forget it’s hold on me. I’m trying to love it then forget it doesn’t love me.

Anytime it crosses my heart, the boost, the bliss. It is my basilisk.

Give It Up For Parenting

I’m not immune to it: The frustrations. The anxieties of parenting. My faith in God isn’t a miracle drug that wards off any negativity. Well… Actually… I’m wrong. It is a miracle pill that prevents and cures these feelings.

I choose not to take it.

When I’m frustrated at the world or other adults, I become impatient, on edge, quick to reprimand rather than listen. The horseplay and constant loudness- you know… Those things siblings do to infuse a solid bond in their relationship- become unbearable.

Even when things are seemingly good, there are times when the anxiety creeps in. For instance, one child gets moody and mean when I try to soften his frustration with a joke. Usually, space is the best solution. Then we talk a few hours or a day later. I know he wants me to know that his thoughts, feelings, and concerns are serious. I know he doesn’t like to be “made fun of ” even if in an endearing way. (Most boys would think laughing about their outrageous farts was funny). He sees it as an attack on him. I apologize, show empathy, and do better next time. But in the moment, I feel like a shitty mom when I accidentally offend my child.

I get drained: Low to no energy. But I know it’s essential that they continue to have opportunities for exercise through play. So I muster every last bit of energy to go to the skating rink, to a friend’s house to swim, or a bike ride around the neighborhood.

I get cloudy. I can’t see my dreams or what I’m working so hard for. I think, what’s the point of all this? Yet to think this way is… Well… Asinine.

I am extremely blessed. My kids are going to be okay! Even if I bum around the house for a day, they’ll still go to college. Even if I fix a smoothie and popcorn for dinner, they’ll still fall in love someday. These trivial concerns are privileges. What the hell am I worried about?

I am a good mom with loving children. Take the pill… The miracle drug… Give these cares to God. I don’t need them.

Technology and the Psycho-Social Development of the Child

Whole foods recharge my internal battery: My technologies seemingly amp my spirits, but inconspicuously drain my life force.

I had to laugh while watching a commercial of a popular educational app because it portrayed the child as “so much happier” and claimed that he “loves to learn;” however, take that technology away and see how that kid will function.  I bet the kid would suddenly get moody or throw a tantrum, refuse to learn using other resources, and would nag the mother as to when he could play again on that device.  Let me preface by stating that not all kids are the same, I know.  But we’ve seen it first hand – most kids have iPads provided by their schools and once you take it away…. it’s like Jekyll and Hyde!  [Granted some children have varying disabilities which contribute to their inability to adapt to a change or they may need adaptive technology for communication- Those individuals show the same behaviors, yet often need the technology to “level the playing field”].  We’ve seen the behaviors with our own son and his “typical” friends.  Technology is messing with our kids’ bodies and minds!  One study concluded that the increased use of “communication technologies” (e.g., texting, email, Facebook, Twitter) is linked to higher levels of social anxiety and internalization of emotions, peer aggression (both cyber and physical), and an overall maladjustment related to relationships and social development (Cyr, Berman, & Smith, 2015).  Another article- unrelated to technology- noted that aggressive behaviors are often caused by social and emotional issues, attention problems, ADHD and PTS, narcissism, and self-esteem issues brought on by the mother (Priddis, Landy, Moroney, Kane, 2014).  [Question: Is it possible for an undeveloped mind/ child who may not be able to separate reality from what they see on the screen suffer from PTS b/c they internalize the story as their own?  Possible study idea?].  These precursors may be exacerbated in young children after prolonged use of technology.  Previously, I thought it was just the violent superhero shows or video games with scary creatures and fighting, but it seems to be usage of any TV, computer, or mobile device.  I believe that kids are hypersensitive to the content and stimulation that these technologies provide.  Even though they seem zoned out when watching, they are really immersing themselves into the stories or playing the games.  They are bombarded with commercials having a plethora of colors, lights, sounds, and even varying dimensions.  They have been trained- by all the coming attractions- to lack attention : Always…. what’s next, what’s next, again, again.  Shows, movies, games, and commercials present reality and fantasy without distinguishing which is which.  When they are done, they have a great deal of “drama” and energy inside that they haven’t released and therefore, it manifests as disrespect (or an out-of-place assertion of confidence), anxiety and entitlement for more with no regard for what may need to happen in real time, physical over-exuberance, inferiority to their heroes causing a reduced self-esteem, and often a reduced ability to cope with real problems and people.  Before we pulled our son from the kindergarten class he was attending, we had noticed that since he started using the iPad daily, he had this glazed over look in his eyes.  He was often angry, anxious, and overly aggressive with his sister and me.  After many trials (to determine validity of my idea), I concluded that these negative attitudes and aggressive behaviors were not due to daily stresses, but due to “when will I get to play the iPad again.”

Not only is the increased use of technology messing with the temperament and psychological development of our children, it’s creating a backslide in social maturity and relatability.  We invited one particular friend over who was supposedly our son’s best bud in school.  Our son isn’t attending that school anymore; therefore, one would think that these two would be excited to see each other.  However, this kid hardly got in our door and his iPad was already out with a game loaded.  He plopped down on the couch and started playing.  He barely said “hello” to our son.  It’s incredible that kids would rather play with a computer than with each other.

As a matter of “not” fact, but of observation and discussion, kids do not know how to play anymore.  I grew up with the understanding that children first learn to play dependent on their parents’ or caregivers’ modeling.  Next they learn to play alone (independent).  They begin to play closer and closer to others and then next to another child but not with him (parallel play).  Finally they learn to play with other children (interdependent) [Adults also demonstrate these stages in their relationships].  I once thought that sending our child to school would promote a healthy social life; however, we found a lack of social monitoring and teaching led to social regression, especially since school-age children are highly susceptible to external influences. Parents beware:  It isn’t necessarily the best placement just because there may be 12-30 other kids with whom your kid can play.  If the social interactions aren’t monitored with 4, 5, and 6 year olds, then kids are learning from kids rather than from the adults that should be teaching them.  The quality of social interactions with teachable moments is more important than quantity of interactions.  You cannot call sitting next to other kids and playing the iPad as parallel play: Kindergarten classes should have play house areas, puzzles, independent science exploration, etc. according to Froebel’s* original design.  If your kindergarten does not have these areas, beware- your kid will probably be doing worksheets or iPad play as “busy work.”  I’m so glad we pulled him out of the public school district and got rid of the iPad.  I know that I can’t deny that we are in an age where technology rules:  It is and forever will be a part of our lives.  However, I do believe the length of usage should be monitored in young children.  Our son has been a lot happier without the chance to play with the iPad looming over his head.  He still gets anxious with the chance of watching shows on the computer, but we’ve minimized the anxiety with a schedule of what needs to happen before he watches.  Therefore, he is responsible for time management and making the choice to get his work done to watch.  The days where he already knows he won’t be watching or consciously chooses not to get his work done are the best days (as far as behaviors are concerned).  We’ve even started to see that spark of life in his eyes again.

What’s more fun for a kid than watching TV?  Get a box with a hole in the top.  Turn it over on its side.  Gather some toys, dolls, and other props.  Take turns making TV shows.  The parent can make up social stories to act out in their feature presentation.  It’s fun for all ages!

*Friedrich Froebel brought kindergarten to America from Germany.  He believed children should learn through self-directed exploration.  They should learn mainly through play and daily chores.


Cyr, B., Berman, S., & Smith, M.  (2015). The Role of Communication Technology  in Adolescent Relationships and Identity Development. Child & Youth Care Forum, 44(1), 79-92.  doi: 10.1007/s10566-014-9271-0

Priddis, L. E., Landy, S., Moroney, D., & Kane, R. (2014). An Exploratory Study of Aggression in School-Age Children: Underlying Factors and Implications for Treatment. Australian Journal Of Guidance & Counselling, 24(1), 18-35. doi:10.1017/jgc.2013.12

Hello world!

Thank you to my friends and family for encouraging me to get this blog “off the ground” and “out of my head.”

[Replacing the words to Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car:” “Get outta my head, get into my blog… ooohhooohhh”].

When sharing my experiences and observations, I’ll try to keep the tangents to a minimum; however, sometimes, they are so “out there” or lame, that they are pretty funny.  Don’t worry though: I’ll always come back around.  There is a method to this madness.

Authenticity is key; therefore, here is why writing is such a huge part of my life.  Many who know me can attest that I hate crowds.  I hate parties with lots of people.  I do not do well with small talk.  I’m the gal at a party in the kitchen because 1) I just don’t know what to say to people if it isn’t meaningful dialogue, 2) I experience energetic sensory overload, and 3) being “busy” is better than being “antisocial.”  In this perfectly busy life, I don’t often get to sit at a coffee shop for hours discussing the philosophies of life [RIP Ike’s Truck Stop].  I don’t get to meet random people, dominate them in a game of chess, then drive 400 miles on a whim… all while discussing the philosophies of life.  I don’t get to smoke a bowl, listen to my friend jam on the acoustic guitar, and write songs… about the philosophies of life [You know who you are….You are an amazing artist: Follow your dreams!].  With three kids, that life just isn’t practical or safe.  So… in order to maintain my sanity, I must do something a little crazy: Spill it all in a blog.  The safe and practical way for the modern-day philosopher [and working single mom; aka “A boss”] to share the love of ideas and learning.

[Songs that best caption who I am: “I’d Have To Be Crazy” by Willie Nelson and “Wide Open Spaces” by The Dixie Chicks]

Happy blogging!