Dear Nora,

Oh man… I’ve met this really… good… girl. She’s great and all, but after almost a year together and even living together, I’m still not sure if she’s “the one.” My friends are always telling me to make a decision… And I do… I stay with her… It just seems like every other week something else comes up to make me question the whole thing. I don’t want to be a douche, but love just seems like too much work! What do I do?

Jeremiah

Hi Jeremiah,

What would happen if you put effort into your relationship? Are you afraid it will fail or are you afraid of its success? Is it that you don’t want to put effort into a relationship- period. Or you don’t want to put the effort in with her? Relationships are not “problem-free.” Whomever you are with, there is a time where you get used to each other’s communication styles. You learn to step into each other’s flow. Relationships start off with a “high” or honeymoon period where these struggles don’t seem like a struggle at all. You are so stoked to be with the person that you are naturally driven to fit into each other’s lives and grow into your best selves for the relationship. But if you never had the honeymoon period nor have you gotten to a point of serenity in the relationship (i.e., constant drama from the get-go), it makes me question the compatibility.

Women are known for their checklists… But men have them too. Ask yourself these action questions to help decide if she is worth “too much work:”

Do you feel the drive to grow into your best self?

Can you trust her with your truth and the real you?

Do you want to be near her most days and find yourself texting her “just because” it protects your claim?

Are you driven to learn more and more about her and yourself when she is near?

Does your side hurt from laughter when you are together? Does she help create that ease and balance that you need?

Can you just walk away at any time? Or are you unable to envision your future without her in it?

Is your wall up around just you? Or is it up to protect both of you?

Is her happiness a priority? Or do you think only of your own happiness?

Do you find yourself being more of a giver? Is she also a giver?

Do you tell your closest friends and family about her? When she meets them, will they already feel like they know her?

Answering these questions should give you a sense as to whether or not she motivates your efforts. Every man in his life can only hope to find the woman who evokes great things! I wish you great success in your quest for love.

Nora

Dear Nora,

So my girl and I have been dating for- I dont know- almost 9 months. I just got out of a very serious relationship and have also been seeing other people. She asked me to move in with her but I’m not sure if I should. I really like her and I know this will help us have more time together- life is really busy! It’s also a couple hundred bucks cheaper than my current rent? Should I do it?

Marco

Dear Marco,

Do you love her? You may think this is just a casual decision but this is a huge commitment. It’s one of the first in a line of “expected behaviors” in a relationship. 1st: Monogamy or at least a discussion of monogamy vs. an open relationship. 2nd: I love you. I am in love with you! You’re the one for me! Something along those lines… But truly meaning it. 3rd: Move in together. 4th: Put a ring on it or get a pet. 5th: Baby making or… Get a pet. Just realize that the majority of women will hint at and push for the first scenarios in numbers 4 and 5 (i.e., despite them acting like they don’t just to “keep you”). Are you ready for that? Having just gotten out of a serious relationship and since you see other people? Perhaps you and her should have a heart-to-heart about where you see this relationship in one year, five years, etc. You may find that you are at different places or you may realize that she truly is the woman of your dreams and you want to take this jump with her… Because I can guarantee that she is viewing this not as a casual living situation but as “Next year he should propose.” Sending love and wisdom your way for this decision. Peace be with you,

Nora

Dear Nora,

I’m in love with my best friend. I haven’t told him because I don’t want him to think I just throw those words around loosely…. But I’m pretty sure he knows anyway. The thing is… he only wants my friendship. I know he cares about me, but he keeps saying he doesn’t want to date me because if we broke up, he’d lose my friendship. I find myself building resentment toward him, especially when he constantly calls me his friend. I wish he’d stop reminding me that his friendship is all I’ll ever have. Which hurts more? Living without my best friend or loving him when it’s not reciprocated?

Hopeful Jane

Dear Jane,

I know how you feel. I had a similar situation and it felt horrible. Imagine you and your best friend are alone in the wilderness of life. Suddenly, you are shot down by his rejection. He tries to dig the bullet out of your flesh using only the tools within his grasp. In his mind, all he can think is that he must save his best friend, but when he pokes around to retrieve the bullet (i.e., creates intimate moments) and pours alcohol on the wound (i.e., constantly reminds you that you are friends), it stings, and you just want to scream in despair. He thinks he’s helping, but really, he’s just pushing you further away.
I also know how awful it feels to keep these feelings from him. You might think that if he only knew, then he would feel the same and you’d live happily ever after. But it sounds like he doesn’t feel the same. He’s either using the friend term so often because he truly is scared to take it deeper with you or he is using it to keep you at bay. If he felt the same, he’d act on it despite the chance that he could lose you. It seems he may find you more of a buddy and doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. The harder you try to push the issue, the more he will remind you of your friendship. It’s his way of saying “No,” without making you upset with him. Either way, you must respect his answer. Just remember: All wounds heal leaving scars of experience, but if the wound is continually reopened, it won’t have a chance to heal and there will be a greater chance of irreparable damage. Best of luck,

Nora

Dear Nora,

I am a 35-year-old man who has never had a serious relationship. I recently started seeing a 22-year-old woman and I am beginning to really like her. My friends say it’s never going to work because she is too young. I’m beginning to think they are right. Can it really work between an older man and a younger woman?

Lawton

Dear Lawton,

Your friends may have other reasons as to why it wouldn’t work, but age should not be one of them. Thanks to our courageous predecessors who boasted of free love and started the march of relational freedom, this era has continued to take traditional dating rules by the cojones. If there is a mutual connection between a 35-year old man and a 22-year old woman, then they have every right to take a leap toward exploration!
Check out “A Cautionary Tale for Partners Taking It to the Next Level” on my page:
My Seasoned Love
Best Wishes,

Nora

Dear Nora,

I am in a new relationship with a woman. I do not like to text, but she tells me it upsets her when I don’t. We see each other nearly every day, so is it really that big of a deal that I text her? Lately, if I don’t text her for a few days, she gets distant. It irritates me when she does that because I don’t know what I did wrong. I hate drama, but I do like her a lot. Is there a rule on this because I don’t want to scare her off or bother her by texting too much, but I don’t want to spend all day on my phone either? I don’t know how often I am supposed to text her. Any suggestions? Thanks,

Damien

Dear Damien,
It sounds like she might be overthinking the situation and then inadvertently sabotaging the relationship. She is most likely feeling insecure about her status with you. The lack of your initiating texts- in her mind- indicates that you are not interested when she is not right in front of you. Women want to know that you think about them when they aren’t around. Even strong and independent women can have feelings of insecurity when it comes to an unknown relationship status: It doesn’t mean she is crazy or that you must label it, it means she cares enough about the relationship to emotionally struggle with losing it. In a man’s mind, responding to her texts is sufficient; however, she is making a mental note that you are not initiating the communication. She does not want to have to chase you: It makes her feel pathetic and undesirable. Many women still want to be pursued. In the tech era, initiating texts is a form of pursuit. Again, initiating texts is a form of pursuit. Let it sink in a moment… A good guideline would be to text her whenever you are reminded of her, but don’t go crazy with a text every hour! Daily or every other day will suffice. I would advise that you don’t go MIA for more than 3 days. Keep in mind that once she feels secure that the relationship is solid, those feelings will subside and the two of you will get into a good rhythm or pattern of initiating texts.
Best Wishes,

Nora

Dear Nora,

Okay, so here’s the deal. I have only slept with one other woman in my life, but my girl said she has been with 7!! I can’t get over the fact that 7 other dudes have pounded her! Help!

Mark

Dear Mark,

If this situation truly bothers you, then you should consider moving on. Let’s say you spend months or years with this girl. During an argument, the two of you are speaking without thinking. Feelings that were shoved down inside explode to the surface and before you can stop yourself, you blurt out a comment related to her number of partners: You basically just called her a whore and she will take it that way. Here is my solution: Put the relationship on hold. Date other people. Get out there and learn about yourself and the fantastic world of safe sex. Men don’t easily let go of this sort of knowledge about their lady. But you will understand her better if you too have had experiences. The tricky part is to tell her your plan or not. I would not tell her that you have concerns over the number of guys with whom she has been intimate, except if discussing the general topic of each’s sexual safety. She cannot change her number, so shaming her for it will not help matters. I would not tell her that you want to sleep with other people. You will take a ding in the trust department. If you start something later down the line, she will still remember your desire to sleep around and won’t fully trust that you are hers and only hers. Honestly, I hate to say it, but you may just need to take the vague way out of this one if you ever want a chance with her in the future. Blame it on work, family, location, or whatever else you can think of… But unless you are dating a woman with a lower number than yours, you are going to have a tough time… and most men can’t live with “not knowing” either.
Best Wishes,

Nora