On My Behalf

Stopped. Not by external forces but the internal knowledge that if I don’t stop myself than the universe will stop me… put me on my knees and have me begging for solace and peace. How long did I think I could sustain this pressure? But when I stop… the thinking creeps in, followed by the deep loneliness that likes to push me down into the darkness… I look out for him so that I can dodge his trickery: “I’m not alone!!!” I yell to him before he’s close enough to shove me down. “I’ve got my dreams to comfort me!” But he still advances to trip me up. “I have freedom how I live. No one will stop me from capturing my desires,” except my old friends Doubt and Fear, but I don’t tell him that. Loneliness smirks in a way that lets me know he’s plotting… planning ways to remind me of lost lovers.

My Heart speaks on my behalf: “Love is free. You just have to accept it.” It’s as if he was reminding me, but then I saw that his intensity was directed toward Loneliness. “You know this! Why do you try to toss her to the lion’s of her mind? Don’t you also know she is protected by a Love greater than any of your threats?”

“I do,” replied Loneliness with a mix of angst and a frog in his throat.

“Then why try?”

“You could never understand!!! Love turned its back on me!! It’s not fair that she should have so much when I have none… But you’re Heart… How could you ever get it? You’re filled to the brim.”

“That’s where you are mistaken my dear misguided Loneliness. I am not filled with love! I AM Love! I am the source, the process, and the product.” Loneliness turned away, ashamed of being in Love’s presence… tears… on the brink of flooding the valley of my soul. Heart approached and placed His hand on his shoulder… “And I… give myself to you freely. Can you accept this gift?”

The Mirrored Self

If you’ve loved the ones who reflect who you are right back to you, then you probably have learned to love yourself. Because before that time when you love yourself, they seem to rub you the wrong way, anger you easily, and disappoint you… or rather, you disappoint yourself as you resist the abundance of love that is possible when the reflection shows peace and acceptance.

[For more information on the Looking Glass Self theory, read Charles Cooley’s works]

Ballad

Him: I can’t see you. Babe, I can’t see you. Cause Lord knows I can’t see myself walking away again. You knew me better. Took my soul and wrote it in a letter but something tells me that now I’m a better man. Come home to me.

Her: I’m making it without you even though you’ve left evidence of your craftmanship: You’ve drafted upon my soul.

Him: I can’t stop dreaming. I don’t want to stop dreaming. Cause if I do, I’m afraid you’ll be gone for good. You loved so sweet. Took my breath away and made my heart retreat but now I’m lost and locked without the key. Come home to me.

Her: I’m finding my way without you, darlin’, even though you hold the map: You’re my cartographer.

Him: I want to find you. I need to find you. Cause without your light, the darkness keeps closing in. You brightened my way. Took every ounce to keep my pain at bay but every fiber wants to pull you tighter. Come home to me.

Her: I’m singing my song without you even though we’re the music that makes my heart beat: You’re my perfect harmony.

Him/Her: Come home to me.

Her: But what we couldn’t see is that I never left you and you never left me.

Him: Life is our rhythm and love the melody!

Gratitude for the Man and the Journey: From “Mirrors”

I will forever be grateful and hold you in high regard.

You mirrored my soul’s fears and faults and left my heart jarred.

But without your love to expose my vulnerability

I would not have fought so hard to taste sweet tranquility.

I’ve learned to love deeper without attachment or expecting more

To appreciate God’s gifts, life’s challenges, and the blessings in store.

So thank you, THANK YOU, for helping me to see

That we’re all connected, joy comes from within, and that love is free.

Be Still to Escape

I want to know your dark side.

Let me in!

Not so I can change you… That’s the last thing I mean to do.

Just let me in!!

To quietly sit next to you in the quicksand of your thoughts.

Let me sit in stillness… with silence… while you flail and kick and scream and struggle to get out of the traps you’ve set for yourself.

Let my presence in love reassure you that you are never alone.

That no matter how low you sink and how covered you are in muck…

Hope still exists!

Fighting only makes it worse… so let go.

You have to quiet your mind.

Let go of the struggle…

So that you can focus on the mustard seed lost in the millions of granules of shame, defeat, selfishness, and self-destruction.

When you are still, you’ll find that- somehow, someway- hope becomes magnified.

Let me send my love to lighten your way…

So you can finally see and claim what has been yours all along.

So that together, we can be free.

Legacy of Love

When I can’t be with you anymore, will you hold my frail but soft hand?

When I’m scared because I don’t recognize this cold place, will you sing me my favorite songs?

When I forget you, will you remember all I taught you?

When I run out the door, will you take me back in to put on my pants?

When I get angry and snap at you because I’m ashamed for losing control, will you playfully give me shit for forgetting that I love you!

When the tears fill my eyes because I know that you’re losing me, please just pretend you don’t notice so I can be in denial just one more day.

Take me with you when I am gone.

Debrief

With Alzheimer’s disease, the symptoms progressively worsen. I wrote this piece so that time is going backward with more and more opportunities to make memories and share your wisdom.

Today I read my dad’s birth certificate… It stated that his mother- who later had Alzheimer’s disease- had 3 children already when he was born, but six- yes 6!! who were born but died, it made me wonder if trauma and dementia are linked… Sure enough, there is a higher risk for dementia after trauma, especially childhood trauma.

I always thought Gram got it because there was a life of abuse that she wanted to forget. But now I see more events she may not want to remember. You can’t tell me that losing 6 of your full term fetuses or young children doesn’t rip out your soul… no? Oh no? It doesn’t? Well then you my friend… Go feed yourself to an elephant ’cause you’re nuts!

Even if it was “the norm.”

So… long story short… 1) It runs in my family. 2) Childhood trauma with undiagnosed PTSD. 3) A past of repetitive negative thinking. 4) I’m a woman.

My risk is high….

I better write down what I know about life so that those I love can remember me #LeaveALegacy

Hello, Joy

Pushing 40 in a dry spell. Supposed to be in my prime. I’m a mom of perfectly imperfect loving souls. I’m the good cop and the bad guy. I’m the grey gal sneaking out at night. Put your hand on mine and hold me. ‘Cause I feel so alone some of the time. Heaviness. Makes it so hard to breathe.

Where has my Joy gone? She left me years ago. I wonder what she’s doing now. I heard from a mutual friend that she’s still in town, but she doesn’t come around… too often anymore. Maybe it’s because… around me… she can’t breathe.

Who am I? The me that is… pre- or post- orgasm? Are they the same woman? If I don’t cum can I show you who I am? I knew it was over when you didn’t kiss me. But I couldn’t kiss you either. I had to win. So our lips only slid across the surface. As if calling, “Who’s gonna go the last 10%?” Neither of us could do it. My heart stopped and I could barely breathe.

They can’t hold me back. They’ve not got the right. My faith is greater than their degradation. I’m being seasoned… put on fire. Seek those who lift us up. Step out of comfort and into the light. Surround ourselves with love. Clear up the present from a murky past. Take a breath of fresh air. Smile. As you open the door, “Hello, Joy.”

What I’ve Realized About Love: From My Heart to Yours.

Leave the Vision to the Divine Feminine. Let her spirit be light and whimsical. You, Divine Masculine are the protect her… protector of this Sacred Union. You trust me, the grace-filled goddess to dream up and manifest a life together of beauty, charity, and peace. I trust you, the mighty warrior, to defend the boundaries of our love. No foe shall surmount these walls, our faultless fortress buckles our enemies at the knees. First we Ascend then we Expand our love throughout the world!

Clarify Before You Testify

I crave simplicity. When I think of my “dream life,” I am free. Free to roam in the woods and follow a river- not following the designated path. We’ve- yes, we’ve- got music to soothe our aches and pains. And laughter to bring humanity closer. (Lynyrd Skynyrd: Simple Man). My poised yet contemplative stance equipped to spit poetic epiphany-evoking proverbs. Are we angels or have we found extra favor in God’s eyes? (Dave Matthews Band: Crush).

The animals follow- not my dominance- but my energy. (Blind Melon: No Rain). They want to join in with the joyous Jubilee. After 6000 years, we finally unite to end our self destruction and bring the purity in our stewardship back to this dying garden.

How many people have truly smiled today? For no other reason except that life is a beautifully complicated mix of musical tones and notes splattered in perfect rhythm across the scales of emotions: I just ♮ FADE# into happiness. (Dave Matthews Band: Satellite and #41).

When I was a kid, my secret spot to get away from everyone was up the chicken coop to the hay loft of an old abandoned barn. Or hiding in the dark closet atop a pile of clothes so that I could think. (Chris Cornell: Nothing Compares to You). But when I’m with you, I don’t have to hide.

Obligation can either rob you of your happiness by adding depth to the masks we wear to protect our fragile egos (DMB: All Along the Watchtower) or the perceptions of obligations might transform to an erotic blessing between friends. Own me if you dare to tame the seas and call out my name as being yours. (DMB: Say Goodbye). Take off your masks. Breathe me in. Come home. (Counting Crows: Round Here).

We’re already here! We are free. Laughter abounds and love is possible. Walls have been torn down and masks have been removed. Creatures linger at my feet and lounge in my lap. And my words… my words reach…. who they need to in the moment. Simplicity is here. And it feels amazing! (DMB: The Space Between).

Another Saturday Night

I want a man who can get loose and dance like we know how- acting out the scenes from each song: Piano Man makes me feel at least three inches taller pre-ballet performance that turns out to have the perfect ending. What’s Going On!!! Belted in exasperation and humor… He’s gotta be right there with me gorging on late night mac-n-cheese and putting cilantro on anything and everything. I’m not ashamed to squirt mustard in my mouth- straight outta the bottle. Will Freddy Mercury’s pain and genius make both of us cry? Or will he snicker and lovingly poke fun at my sensitivity?

Then the ultimate- stuffing my face alone- song comes on… “Forever’s gonna start tonight. Now I’m only falling apart: Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Love of my life, hurry back, hurry back… don’t take it away from me because you don’t know what it means to me.

But as the final crescendos peak, the eclipse that blacked out my heart relents to show the first streaks of new light. I confidently march over to the stove, grab the kettle and fork, and say “I’m going to eat this mac-n-cheese as a strong, intelligent, and beautiful woman!!!” My head held high.

My goddess Crone remembers that I am a Nothingman. Burn. Burn. I took a trip through the concerts of the last half of the 20th century, discovering that music exposes our deepest yearnings, regrets, blessings and hurt. Is the love I gave [him] in the past, gonna be enough love to last, if tomorrow never comes? He who forgets will be destined to remember. [He] was [my] love. [I] was his queen and now a thousand years between. If I’d only known how the king would fall, Hey who’s to say, you know I might have changed it all… I could’ve missed the pain…

But I’d have had to miss the dance. And I want him to rock my gypsy soul.