Be Still to Escape

I want to know your dark side.

Let me in!

Not so I can change you… That’s the last thing I mean to do.

Just let me in!!

To quietly sit next to you in the quicksand of your thoughts.

Let me sit in stillness… with silence… while you flail and kick and scream and struggle to get out of the traps you’ve set for yourself.

Let my presence in love reassure you that you are never alone.

That no matter how low you sink and how covered you are in muck…

Hope still exists!

Fighting only makes it worse… so let go.

You have to quiet your mind.

Let go of the struggle…

So that you can focus on the mustard seed lost in the millions of granules of shame, defeat, selfishness, and self-destruction.

When you are still, you’ll find that- somehow, someway- hope becomes magnified.

Let me send my love to lighten your way…

So you can finally see and claim what has been yours all along.

So that together, we can be free.

Legacy of Love

When I can’t be with you anymore, will you hold my frail but soft hand?

When I’m scared because I don’t recognize this cold place, will you sing me my favorite songs?

When I forget you, will you remember all I taught you?

When I run out the door, will you take me back in to put on my pants?

When I get angry and snap at you because I’m ashamed for losing control, will you playfully give me shit for forgetting that I love you!

When the tears fill my eyes because I know that you’re losing me, please just pretend you don’t notice so I can be in denial just one more day.

Take me with you when I am gone.

Debrief

With Alzheimer’s disease, the symptoms progressively worsen. I wrote this piece so that time is going backward with more and more opportunities to make memories and share your wisdom.

Today I read my dad’s birth certificate… It stated that his mother- who later had Alzheimer’s disease- had 3 children already when he was born, but six- yes 6!! who were born but died, it made me wonder if trauma and dementia are linked… Sure enough, there is a higher risk for dementia after trauma, especially childhood trauma.

I always thought Gram got it because there was a life of abuse that she wanted to forget. But now I see more events she may not want to remember. You can’t tell me that losing 6 of your full term fetuses or young children doesn’t rip out your soul… no? Oh no? It doesn’t? Well then you my friend… Go feed yourself to an elephant ’cause you’re nuts!

Even if it was “the norm.”

So… long story short… 1) It runs in my family. 2) Childhood trauma with undiagnosed PTSD. 3) A past of repetitive negative thinking. 4) I’m a woman.

My risk is high….

I better write down what I know about life so that those I love can remember me #LeaveALegacy

Hello, Joy

Pushing 40 in a dry spell. Supposed to be in my prime. I’m a mom of perfectly imperfect loving souls. I’m the good cop and the bad guy. I’m the grey gal sneaking out at night. Put your hand on mine and hold me. ‘Cause I feel so alone some of the time. Heaviness. Makes it so hard to breathe.

Where has my Joy gone? She left me years ago. I wonder what she’s doing now. I heard from a mutual friend that she’s still in town, but she doesn’t come around… too often anymore. Maybe it’s because… around me… she can’t breathe.

Who am I? The me that is… pre- or post- orgasm? Are they the same woman? If I don’t cum can I show you who I am? I knew it was over when you didn’t kiss me. But I couldn’t kiss you either. I had to win. So our lips only slid across the surface. As if calling, “Who’s gonna go the last 10%?” Neither of us could do it. My heart stopped and I could barely breathe.

They can’t hold me back. They’ve not got the right. My faith is greater than their degradation. I’m being seasoned… put on fire. Seek those who lift us up. Step out of comfort and into the light. Surround ourselves with love. Clear up the present from a murky past. Take a breath of fresh air. Smile. As you open the door, “Hello, Joy.”

What I’ve Realized About Love: From My Heart to Yours.

Leave the Vision to the Divine Feminine. Let her spirit be light and whimsical. You, Divine Masculine are the protect her… protector of this Sacred Union. You trust me, the grace-filled goddess to dream up and manifest a life together of beauty, charity, and peace. I trust you, the mighty warrior, to defend the boundaries of our love. No foe shall surmount these walls, our faultless fortress buckles our enemies at the knees. First we Ascend then we Expand our love throughout the world!

Clarify Before You Testify

I crave simplicity. When I think of my “dream life,” I am free. Free to roam in the woods and follow a river- not following the designated path. We’ve- yes, we’ve- got music to soothe our aches and pains. And laughter to bring humanity closer. (Lynyrd Skynyrd: Simple Man). My poised yet contemplative stance equipped to spit poetic epiphany-evoking proverbs. Are we angels or have we found extra favor in God’s eyes? (Dave Matthews Band: Crush).

The animals follow- not my dominance- but my energy. (Blind Melon: No Rain). They want to join in with the joyous Jubilee. After 6000 years, we finally unite to end our self destruction and bring the purity in our stewardship back to this dying garden.

How many people have truly smiled today? For no other reason except that life is a beautifully complicated mix of musical tones and notes splattered in perfect rhythm across the scales of emotions: I just ♮ FADE# into happiness. (Dave Matthews Band: Satellite and #41).

When I was a kid, my secret spot to get away from everyone was up the chicken coop to the hay loft of an old abandoned barn. Or hiding in the dark closet atop a pile of clothes so that I could think. (Chris Cornell: Nothing Compares to You). But when I’m with you, I don’t have to hide.

Obligation can either rob you of your happiness by adding depth to the masks we wear to protect our fragile egos (DMB: All Along the Watchtower) or the perceptions of obligations might transform to an erotic blessing between friends. Own me if you dare to tame the seas and call out my name as being yours. (DMB: Say Goodbye). Take off your masks. Breathe me in. Come home. (Counting Crows: Round Here).

We’re already here! We are free. Laughter abounds and love is possible. Walls have been torn down and masks have been removed. Creatures linger at my feet and lounge in my lap. And my words… my words reach…. who they need to in the moment. Simplicity is here. And it feels amazing! (DMB: The Space Between).

Another Saturday Night

I want a man who can get loose and dance like we know how- acting out the scenes from each song: Piano Man makes me feel at least three inches taller pre-ballet performance that turns out to have the perfect ending. What’s Going On!!! Belted in exasperation and humor… He’s gotta be right there with me gorging on late night mac-n-cheese and putting cilantro on anything and everything. I’m not ashamed to squirt mustard in my mouth- straight outta the bottle. Will Freddy Mercury’s pain and genius make both of us cry? Or will he snicker and lovingly poke fun at my sensitivity?

Then the ultimate- stuffing my face alone- song comes on… “Forever’s gonna start tonight. Now I’m only falling apart: Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Love of my life, hurry back, hurry back… don’t take it away from me because you don’t know what it means to me.

But as the final crescendos peak, the eclipse that blacked out my heart relents to show the first streaks of new light. I confidently march over to the stove, grab the kettle and fork, and say “I’m going to eat this mac-n-cheese as a strong, intelligent, and beautiful woman!!!” My head held high.

My goddess Crone remembers that I am a Nothingman. Burn. Burn. I took a trip through the concerts of the last half of the 20th century, discovering that music exposes our deepest yearnings, regrets, blessings and hurt. Is the love I gave [him] in the past, gonna be enough love to last, if tomorrow never comes? He who forgets will be destined to remember. [He] was [my] love. [I] was his queen and now a thousand years between. If I’d only known how the king would fall, Hey who’s to say, you know I might have changed it all… I could’ve missed the pain…

But I’d have had to miss the dance. And I want him to rock my gypsy soul.

Don’t Give Away Your Seat

We’re on the verge of something great

Yet we are a forgetful nation:

We hold the key to innovation.

We nurture hope without missing a beat.

We march for what’s right

We march to be free.

Don’t sit back down

Don’t give away your seat

If we allow our hearts to be blinded by hate

The new way slips out beneath our feet

If we allow our minds to carry deadweight

We lose new ways in which to defeat

How we’ve shadow-boxed this fight

But even a display is no guarantee

That white sees black and black sees brown

Brothers and sisters! This is our countdown!

Let us see ourselves through others’ eyes, not through the holes of a heinous sheet.

We are all God’s children, perfectly imperfect, not one is elite!

Let us be measured by a strong character and not a physical trait.

Let us love one another whether gay, transgender, or straight.

Be united by distinction, not distinct through separation

Be the salt, be the light, be the fleet that stops degradation.

And last but not least, our Oneness in love is what makes life complete

So see magnificent color- see beauty- be love- when you meet.

This is not just mine but our children’s plea.

Stand up to fear and make hate obsolete!

God speaks through our actions and our eyes so we don’t have to fight

May His thunderous voice be heard at our launching site.

In the counsels of Heaven, there is only One worthy to represent me.

His sacrifice paid the price for the world to see

That we can all wear the jewels that represent the crown.

So let’s shine bright and take back our country, state, and town!

The Song of Songs: An Exalted Love

The Song of Solomon was not simply about how a marriage should be- for Solomon had hundreds of wives- nay, this poem exalted the One. This relationship was sanctified… it had a very different energy than the others, which leads me to believe that this story exemplifies the twin flame journey.


This morning I was listening to yet another reading of the twin flame journey: I admit… I subscribe to the channel. Eeek! Now, I get that most of the time, tarot is just manipulation of the mind, but as I am also a keen observer of how the mind works, I am all for this experiment into seeing how “real” or fake it actually is… It’s uncanny how accurate it can be, btw! Anyway, so I said to myself, “I need to break from the videos and get back in touch with the Source! I need to get into the Word and find out my direction on my life’s journey.”

[Insert “the day” unfolding… friendships, parenting, the beach, blah blah blah, dinner, more friends… I am blessed. Truly.]

Finally, I am at a point in my day to sit and read the Bible. Aaahhh, relief! Remember! I had set my intention or asked the question earlier in the day…

I open my Bible, or rather, it is as if it falls open… to The Song of Solomon.

I know it well. It has been referred to as the only “R-rated” book… once threatened to be omitted from the Jewish canon… Anyway… I’ve always been thrilled to read a good love story: The hopeless romantic that I am. So when I was guided to it, there was no question that this short poetic piece would be my focus.

The twin flame journey had been on my mind… a lot! For those who know what it means, I have surrendered. This man has taught me unconditional love and I am grateful… but also patient and at peace with the path on which God is leading me. Therefore, with my mind where it was, and because I wrote The Love Stories about the original twin flames, I thought it appropriate to just see- with my curious mind- if other love stories were filled with clues that foster the TF concept and support our experiences.

Spoiler alert! It does. Let’s break it down:

Alright, so we all know that Solomon was a stud! By the end of his reign, he had thousands of concubines and wives. I mean, come on! What do you even do with that many? Apparently, many of the wives were due to political agreements, but whatever… he had groupies… for sure! He also had a vast kingdom (that split into the north and south kingdoms after he died) and a boatload of riches… But another interesting point is that he is known to be the wisest man to ever have lived. Wow! What a title! I’m not gonna lie: If I had to choose a thousand men at my beck and call, money out the wazoo, or to be deemed the wisest woman to ever live… I would choose door number three. Although, to think of it…. that would be a very lonely place. It’s kind of heartbreaking actually. Nevermind, I choose money…

Which brings me to the poem. We’ve established a bit of context: Rich dude with lots of chics is quite lonely because he is so far off from other people’s cognitive perception and perspective. He’s got- at this point- over 140 women adoring him… and then…. He meets her.


It begins with intensity. Right off the bat, she speaks of immense desires for him (not to him, yet). Her and the other virgins are waiting for his arrival and they all dote and ogle over him. Yet she is different from the others and knows it. She expresses a bit of insecurity because her brothers made her tend to the vineyards. In other words, she had a dark tan or was black. She felt like she shouldn’t be admired because she hadn’t tended to her complexion: “Don’t look upon me…” (Challenge: Shame). Already, she is acting as a typical Divine Feminine (DF) who initiates this cat-and-mouse game. There is already “a reason” why they “can’t be together.” However, she was still quite beautiful and the other women in her company at the time were jealous and contributed to the thoughts of “What are you even doing here?” (Challenge: Feeling unworthy).

He knew- upon seeing her among all the others- that she was indeed different. He immediately propped her up on a pedestal likening her to a company of horses in Pharaoh’s chariots: She was the Divine Feminine. She knew it too. She sensed that her love was pure whereas the others’ love was superficial (a lily among thorns) and that he was different from all the other men she had met (an apple tree among all the other trees in the woods). This connection touched her to the core (hahaha- pun intended!)- Her soul loved him. (Confirmation: deep, intense, soulful connection).

Then BAM! The tether is set… when they gaze into each other’s eyes. Several times in the book, it repeats how their eyes were of dove’s eyes: gentle, kind, comforting to look into… But also (as marklake.org stated), a dove’s eyes are narrow, making it only possible to focus on one thing: Each in the poem only has eyes for the other. Three times it repeats this phrase about the connection of the eyes. On the twin flame journey, it is known that the soul recognizes itself through the eyes and thus begets the magnetism (Confirmation: The notorious TF eyes).

The Shulamite woman and Solomon speak words of love to each other, even planning how their future will look. They just know that they will be together until the end (Confirmation: Knowing, feeling “at home”), so they feel emotionally safe to envision their future. (Yeah, how many of us have done that with our twin flames, even if we knew it couldn’t be possible for a long time due to karmic relationships). Yet still, she feels insecure about her complexion (Challenge: Self-Worth) and she is hesitant to go “hang out” with his friends: She wonders if she will fit in. But once there, she realizes that “He brought me [here] and his banner over me is love.” He made it known with all his friends that she was his! He was proud that he could show her off. He was committed, dedicated… and she reveled in this ownership of mutual love. (You own me. “You own me.” And we’re okay with that). This public act of his- his banner of love for all to see- gives her the security she needs to just melt… to fall completely head over heels for him. She learns that it is safe to love: That he will catch her when she falls (in love)! “His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me” (Confirmation: Feeling lovesick, it all happens so fast).

Then, the verse that is repeated several times is addressed to all the other women: Leave us! She says in confidence and purity: She knows her place in his heart. In essence, the verse is saying, “Let love take its natural course. Let the divine unfold this plan.” A reminder that we often need on this journey!

The verse also marks the beginning of an exhausting rollercoaster of emotional upheaval and restructuring of the soul!

Although it isn’t directly stated, the scene ends with a separation (Challenge: Runner). It doesn’t say why she left, but it does reference the vineyards and the season as being reasons… that are now moot. Her excuses are gone and he wants her to return. This is the point where other men would call it quits, but he feels the connection too and goes after her. Accepting her, despite her insecurities and need to run away.

There is an implied Winter and the poem resumes in Spring as Solomon frantically seeks her out in her countryside, begging her to come back to be with him (Challenge: Chaser). These verses relate to the post-Dark Night of the Soul phase. The DNS is where the lovers face their darkness, uncover what triggered them, and resolve internal issues. It is the restructuring into a oneness with their lover. Initially, she feels hopeless, like she will never measure up, and wonders, “How could he ever love me? He is so wonderful and I am so…..” And so she sulked and fell into despair.

Make note of the references to roe (gazelle) and hart (male deer/stag) throughout the text: Stags (and bees) have been thought of as signs of union. But when he returns for her, she still responds with insecurities: She knows that he has seducers that will attempt to ruin their love (Like foxes that dig up the vineyards, so too will the Daughters of Jerusalem attempt to take his love… so she thinks). She doesn’t want to compete with them (Challenge: Other women are her trigger). She wants monogamy but he is a notorious polygamist. She would rather he live in the country with her where those other women wouldn’t be around (Challenge: Lack of trust; desire for isolation to “protect” relationship). She is not ready for union.

We find that Solomon returned to the city without her: Monogamy must have scared him! So he bolted! (Challenge: Runner; Separation). In her dream (another part of her Dark Night), she searches for him and cannot find him (Challenge: Chaser) (Confirmation: Establishing 5D connection through dreams). This startles her so much that she leaves for the city at night to find him. A watchman tells her where he is at and she goes to him. When she finds him- with the other women- she clings to him and again tells the other women to leave them alone! (Challenge: He returns to what is easy and safe, she faces her Ego; Out of fear this time). She has finally returned and thinks she is “ready” to be by his side. She again claims ownership of her man.

The next section of the poem describes the wedding procession and when Bathsheba (his mother) “gives him away.” Solomon has taken great care in making the event a public spectacle, especially for all the other wives and concubines. He is setting his DF apart from the others (Confirmation: Sanctification of DF). He even notes that her teeth are like sheep… where “every one bear twins…” meaning that each tooth had its pair, mirrored, perfect mate. He also refers to her breast as twin gazelles feeding on the lilies. (Confirmation: repetition of “twins”).

The first time he told her of her beauty, he spoke in kingly terms (e.g., Pharaoh’s horses, jewels, gold) but now he speaks (as one commentary put it) in terms that would be appreciated by a simple country girl (e.g., pasture animals, fruits). This shows his growth as the Divine Masculine (Confirmation: Growth, empathy). He wants to be by her side. Yet still she tries to run away again, stating she wants to meditate. Each time she runs, he may “run” in turn to be with his many other women, making it seem like he is the unemotional runner. (Challenge: Constant switch of who is runner and chaser; back-and-forth; up-and-down; the waves).

But this time, he pulls her in and satisfies her insecurities by again stating how he feels she is perfection. He has fallen deep in love with her and his passions are again rising for her. He expresses to her the same words she expressed about him to the Daughters of Jerusalem in the very beginning (Challenge and Confirmation: Unbridled passions) to evoke a once-felt excitement for the relationship. She continues the foreplay to let him know that she is ready to consummate the marriage. After their sexual union (note the reference to honey and honeycomb- i.e., the bee is a sign of nearing union), they have a feast with all the friends! He boasts of his conquest.

Later in the relationship (possibly presented as another dream), he knocks at her door. He wants to “get it on” and begs her to let him in. His loins are raging and his engine is revved up! Yet she responds with rejection of his advances (Challenge: complacency, uncertainty). After she rethinks and reconnects with the feelings she has for him, she quickly gets up to answer the door, but he is gone. (Challenge: Losing desire once she “got him,” rejection, drives him away). She searches in the city, only to be beaten by the watchman (in the dream?).

She meets the other women and tells them (possibly knowing that he might be found among them) that she is lovesick for him and requests that they help her find him. (Confirmation: Accepting the other women are there is the first step in accepting him as is; not bothered by them). They ask why he is so special? What does she see in him? And as many DF have been asked, “If he ‘obviously’ doesn’t want to be with you, why do you still love him so much?” (Confirmation: The DF “fight for what you just know in your soul to be the greatest love”).

The Shulamite responds with all the traits she loves about Solomon, including the fact that he is her friend. In a marriage or in union, lovers should also be best friends. One commentary noted that God made this point because He knew that when a husband or wife seeks counsel or advice outside the marriage (e.g., talking about your marriage with a female ‘friend’), it can easily lead to emotional or physical adultery. In her quest, she reiterates the deep bond they have, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” She seems certain that he went to his (literal) garden to decompress after their dispute. (Confirmation: Learning to trust).

When they meet again, he is enamored by her. He describes her perfect beauty again and stresses that she is set apart from all the others. He may even be adoringly poking fun at her ability to lead these once jealous young women to become a dedicated search party for her cause. She turns her trigger into her troop! They recognize her as the DF and praise/promote their Union.

While meditating in the garden, he had realized or truly awakened to what their connection was, so he races back to her. He hadn’t known before why he was so drawn to her: “Before I was aware, my soul made me like the Chariots of Amminadib.” Now that he is awakened, he calls her to Union but she is still hesitant (again!!) so he calls again and again. He expresses that she is like two armies that are now one (Confirmation: Union). He again marvels at her beauty and refers to her breasts as twins. Her eyes are like the fishpools of Heshbon, which have great spiritual depth, intelligence, and understanding (thanks, truthunity.net for that description of this phrase). His words woo her and she finally submits to his eternal love.

“I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me” (Confirmation: She finally accepts that his love is secure; she doesn’t have to worry about the other women; Union). “Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages…” She speaks of tending to the vineyards and the new and old fruits. This represents what they have learned of their past trials and how their love will blossom and be a model to others (Confirmation: Mission). Some say that she wanted to go back to the countryside to be isolated from the business of the city, but it could be talking about the divine mission to spread love throughout the land.

The final verses reiterate their affections for each other. In the beginning, she loved that his hands were under her head and the other embracing her, now she states it in a way that says, “Yes, that is where you should be! Let love take its natural course. The natural course is our union.” There is a final seal set on their love… likened to a fire of love or a divine flame. They vow that no other mate and no other temptations will sway them from a narrow course on this journey. She gives herself fully to him, despite his continued polygamous acts because she finally feels secure in his love for her. She knows that even if he has hundreds of women, she is the one true love who was set apart from the rest. She accepts him also for who he truly is and the work he must do as king (e.g., political marriages).

The final verse calls that he go quickly into the world to complete his work but to return with the same urgency. Yet this time, it doesn’t have the energy of separation but instead, she is at peace with the way things are and knows that even when there is physical distance, they are still one…


Comment with your thoughts… Am I nuts or am I onto something?

Molly and My Magnificent Moon Manifestations

“Molly, make me millions!!!” And suddenly a million raindrops started to fall.

“Oh… well then… Molly, make me smokin’ hot and give me a love that’s on fire!!!” The next thing I knew… My back hills were on fire!!

“Okay, okay, well then… Molly please… please just give me world peace. Surely you can get that one right?” Molly seemed to smolder red with anger, for even the moon can pick up on sarcasm! Just then, the earth started to quake… the world was falling to pieces (peace-es)!!

Dear Lord,

Thank You for the reminders to let go of those things that do not help me to grow and prosper in Your Love. Thank You for supplying all my needs in abundance. I trust that You have my best interest at heart and would not limit my future but continue to fill my life with blessed gifts.

There is so much beauty that You have given the world yet we get trapped in our minds with worry, shame, and regret. But there is no need for that! So instead, I worship, praise, and focus my gaze toward You!

You created the sunlight that reflects off the leaves… and You control the wind that tickles the branches. You gave the lizards and birds the instinct to fill their bellies and dance for a lover. You taught patience, forgiveness, and charity. You placed each star in the night sky and breathed life into those I love.

Thank you for the richness in life.