Small steps for change

The levee of my heart breaks.

There’s so much despair yet I struggle where to focus, where to begin.

Choose a topic, it’s fucked: mental illness, sex trafficking, LGBTQ+ studies, racial injustices…

There is so much pain! It overwhelms my system.

What can I do? How can I help?

Each one is a tear and they collectively flow as a river down my face into my heart.

Lemon Cornichon Salmon

Ingredients:

2-3 portions of salmon

Avocado oil

1/4 cup chopped sweet onion

1 lemon, sliced

Salt & Pepper

1-2 Tbsp. butter

1/4 cup diced cornichons (or dill pickle)

1 tsp mustard (yellow or stone ground)

Fresh dill, to taste

Directions:

Pre-heat oven to broil: 450 degrees. Place salmon skin-side down onto a baking dish, preferably close to the size of the salmon so that the juices accumulate rather than evaporate. Drizzle the salmon with avocado oil then squeeze the lemon juice on top. Place the lemon peels on and around the fish. Next, cover with the onions. Season with salt and pepper and broil for 15-20 minutes, depending on how well you like it done. While the salmon is cooking, mix the butter, cornichons, and mustard. Set aside. When the fish is done, push the lemon and onion to the side and top the salmon with the butter mixture. Cover and rest for 10 minutes. Serve with chopped fresh dill, the cooked onions, and a drizzle of the pan juices.

My Treatment Plan

I’ll never stop fighting to find my joy, but I have learned the value of feeling for healing. Here’s the process that has worked for me:

When your heart wants to break, let it! Let go. Feel all of it. The heavy and simultaneous empty. Feel it ripping apart your insides. Cry. Wale. Carry on like a child (but preferably in your war room closet so the kids don’t worry: But if they do, they learn compassion). Tear apart the invisible cord extending from your chest straight down through your solar plexus. Rage. Love. Hate. Reminisce. Overthink, overanalyze, change your mind, change it again because it needs to be done. Go down into the dark well- for you know your rope it tethered to God. And when you have sufficiently exhausted your soul, thank the Lord for holding that space for you. Take a nap. Wake up and when the pain creeps back on like a wave crashing on your heart, let it! Let your eyes well up. Exhale bursts of sadness. Breathe in divine love. Look around. Thank God for the multitude of blessings in your life. Allow yourself to be overcome by the loneliness of not sharing your blessings with a lover. Walk around in a daze. Lost in empty thoughts. Then be distracted by someone else’s drama. Hulu and Netflix are great helpers for this step. Hold your children. Kiss their forehead and know how much love you get and have to give! Think of the times you were joyful. How do you get back there? Breathe. Deeply. Into the belly, filling it like a balloon. Exhale the doubt that says you don’t have a purpose. Be your joy. Make a conscious choice to get back up. This is the crucial point… do you take back your joy or do you let misery win? Let it all go. All of it. You are made new! You have a purpose and someone out there will receive you! When we trust in the Father, we have hope. Hold that hope. Love always fucking wins!

Get some rest. Tomorrow will be a brand new morning.

We Can’t Be “Just Friends”

It’s always the same… You love other women and my love must be tame. I thought that if I were a better friend and promised to be there ’til the end, that you’d see me in a new light. But I’m tired of feeling “not good enough,” I’m tired of this fight. You never got to know that part of me, you never let me in. You saw the hurt and restrained me ’cause you pushed me away and could never begin past “friend.”

My love was deep because I saw the real you, I just wish you could have openly loved me too. It’s not my regret but it is my fault that you locked me out of your erotic vault. I went from lover to friend to therapist but I know you felt our connection when we kissed. It cut like a knife when you said “she’s worth the effort” and that her free-spirit reminds you of me… I cannot bear how those words filled my soul with jealousy. I want to hold your hand and meet your tribe! Being around you makes the world seem so alive! I want to love and freely show my affection but without those mighty walls of protection. We’d become so close and gotten through a lot of crappy stuff but being “just friends” with you is not enough. I don’t want you to choose… her or me. I can see that together you two are happy! I’m delighted that you have found someone who makes you recognize that you are whole. You deserve love without my presence taking a toll. I also want to protect my heart, so out of respect, we must part.

I’m a sensual woman who deserves love in return, where two stoke the fire for the flame to burn. I don’t want to wait for you anymore, I don’t want to cry. So without a word I say “goodbye.”

Random Memories

Every so often I think of this man I once knew. I met him at a party. Well actually his party since he was the host. As with all parties, I helped in the kitchen to avoid socializing in large crowds. It was my job to prepare and pass out the Jello shots. There were lots of friends there and we all had a really great time!

But late in the evening- when everyone else was passing out and just a few people could get intimate in their dialogue… (my favorite part of a party)… I found that him and I were alone with the opportunity to discuss life and love… (my favorite but very general topics). Our conversation surprised me or I should say “stuck with me” in a strange way. This man, Dan… the sociable host and I connected on a very deep level. He told me how much of a struggle it was living without his daughter after the divorce with his wife and how hard she made it for him to see the sweet little “love of his life.” He was kind, but in so much pain! We chatted a few times on the phone after that but then I started overthinking, “I’m only 21, he’s 40-something. I shouldn’t lead him on because when it comes down to it, I cannot date someone that much older!” I felt like he had been giving the vibe that he wanted more than I could give, so I made a polite excuse not to hang out with him. I didn’t hear from him again after that. It made me sad, but I figured it was just the ways of dating.

Several years later in talking with an old friend, it came to my attention that shortly after that time, he blew his brains out with a gun. I know that it had nothing to do with me. I know that it had to have been about the hopelessness in not seeing his little girl. But I think, what if I had just accepted the invitation to hang out with him? What if I had just been there as a friend? What if I had just listened instead of letting my ego hinder the flow of brotherly love? What could I have done? What should I have done?

I also know that I cannot be anybody’s savior. I could not have saved him from himself and his demons. Nonetheless, I could have guided him to somebody who could have helped him through his struggles… who could help him to overcome those demons.

Now-a-days, it is so hard for me to reject people. There are people who are weird, who are homeless, who seem lost, or who seem really happy but something just doesn’t feel right… All people need our love! Because this conversation, this friendship, this moment might be exactly what they need to get through this tough time or that convinces them to step back from the ledge. You never know who’s on the brink… Ready… with their finger on the trigger.

You just never know.

1, 2, 3 They’ve All Got the Heart of Me

2. She gets excited ’cause she’s got the brilliant plan. You can see the wheels spinning as she calls out, “Follow me, man!!!” Then she scampers away in a blur only to look back and realize that no one followed her.

1. He’s got a heart of gold, always doing what he’s told… eventually. Even though I’ve got to tell him to unplug, he never fails to remember to find me for a hug.

3. She tests the boundaries with a fearless spirit. If you tell her “No,” she just won’t hear it. Her laughter, smile, and light fill the room. It’s a joyful adventure to watch her bloom.

Good and bad. Ups and downs. There’s no other bunch I could have found… who have warmed my soul right from the start and who instantly captured my heart.

Love, Mom

I love my life!

Hey, I’ve made it! I became the woman they all needed me to be. Yet the men I’ve loved aren’t sitting on the blanket by my side. This blazing fire and star-filled sky will have to settle for this lone gypsy.

But I haven’t lost hope that someday my lover will cuddle beside me… Entranced by the same dancing fire.

Listening to… Hey, Hey What Can I Do (Led Zeppelin) & Get Together (The Youngbloods)

A Prayer for Guidance

Frustration, Anger, Torment, Lack of Faith

Makes me want to run, want to escape.

Should I uproot, take off and leave?

Would that be my solution, my reprieve?

Emptiness continues to close in on me here.

Everyone is leaving and I’ll be alone… I fear.

I thought, “Well I have my future,” but…

There’s no opportunity, the doors seem to shut.

Lord, what is this path you have me trek upon?

Where does it lead, this journey I’m on?

I can’t go south, for the past holds nothing for me.

I can’t go West, for I’d crash into the sea.

East is not an option if I want a livelihood.

Perhaps north would be good?

Or am I to stay put, just where I’m at?

Conquer the unrest, put on your armor for combat!

Lord, guide me to which path to take for my family.

How should I live so that I may glorify Thee?

I shall humbly await for a sign from above.

To show me The Way… of Your endless love.

Amen.

The Mission

Not so long ago, I used to be the sea: Quick-tempered, destructive and free. But lately, the moon’s push-and-pull have waned and the waters within me have been bounded and tamed. The crashing waves cease to rise and no longer provide excitement and surprise. This once strong sea is left to be a soft glassy surface: Receding into a safe and calm harbor with a greater purpose. It’s no longer about me, me, me and my selfish desire. Now, I am subjugated to be the spiritual amplifier. So that others may heal and find peace from above. That their Higher Selves can experience a pure and perfect love.