love

To My Dearest Me. Love, Me.

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Just because they don’t love you back

Doesn’t mean you are any less beautiful…

Or any less interesting…

intelligent…

or fun.

It simply means they don’t connect with your awesomeness.

And that’s okay.

No really. That’s okay!

Someone out there will be magnetized to your uniqueness.

The “unknown he” loves you.

So uncover that joy you’ve hidden under fear. Smile again.

Don’t hide your laughter thinking your seriousness makes up for their absence. It justifies nothing.

Letting go doesn’t mean you loved them any less. Letting go doesn’t mean your pain was meaningless. So let. them. go. All of them.

You have picked yourself up each time. You have proved to be stronger in courage and character, more vibrant in knowing yourself, having a greater capacity for simplicity and love! THAT is what matters. Girl, you’ve got this!

Exhale the pain. You don’t need it anymore.

Remember when your mind was clear to allow your body to dance?

Remember why your freedom to “go” invigorated your soul?

Remember how love filled your heart and radiated out your helping hands.

Let’s get back to that.

Let’s get back to Overflowing with joy, love, connection, Spirit.

Let THAT flame burn for all to see and the unknown he will find thee.

The Prayer

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Unsettled. Wondering what for? This life is wasted on gaining love when all I should be doing is giving it.

The calling of service to others continues to beckon… but how God? When and where? Do I give it all up and let the road open up for a servant and her three bairns? For nothing – no one – holds me to this place. I am always home when you are with me.

Yet they are held… So I am tethered. An approval he’d be quick to deny.

“Lord lead me away,” I beg. A woman commanded not to lead but yet… Who will? Not yet have I met a man strong enough to lead- to hold my hand as we walk together- him a few steps ahead. Together… Ministering to the world of Your Great Love.

“Lord lead me away… So I may prepare a place.” Will it be enough? Will I be enough? Will pride linger in Your eyes for Your faithful child?

If I’m not making a big impression upon humanity with my simple humble existence, will I serve my purpose?

“Lead me to perform miracles in your name.” Give me wisdom to make the big decisions as I continue to wait for he-who-is-in-your-plan.

“Lord I pray… Have mercy on my soul when I lie down to take my last breath.” Brother, tell the father: She tried to serve but knew not how… For her mind was on love. Her heart ached for the outflow of love. Her soul died when she found love no more on this Earth.

“Father I wait on bended knees… Hands raised to praise your name… Show me the next step.”

I humbly await your direction.

The Prayer: Part 2

I went to battle. I called upon God to consider my heart. With my prayer in mind, I requested guidance. I opened the Bible… First seeing some notes on Romans 6 and 7… A favorite for sure when considering, “What’s next?” But then it fell open to Matthew 3-7… The story of John the Baptist and how he prepared the way for his cousin: Christ. Then Christ’s baptism where the dove comes to baptize him of the spirit along with water. I remember “the high” I got after I went under the river and returned anew. It spoke on how he overcame temptation in the wilderness. Warning me too not to tempt God but to trust his plans. I skipped to 5:13… The biblical mother of this website. We are the salt of the earth. I fear… Have I lost my savor? Should I be cast out under foot? I am reminded of also being the light. Let my light shine before men. Christ fulfills all… I shine because He is in me. I skip forward again… Reciting the Lord’s Prayer… Not as written but as it is meant to be recited. With Sincerity. Fervor. In my war room. God is all powerful. And so I am brought then to “The Lilies.” My tattoo… A reminder not to worry… I am given all my needs in abundance. I pray again… Throughout. Lord you know my heart. Must I choose between love and service? Can I “have it all?” Then I notice… Dancing in mid-air. My sign. My moment’s spirit guide: The spider. Lord… Whatever her meaning… That will be my answer. So I google her. The Spider: Creative expression. She attaches her desires to nature and creates a magical display for all to see (as one site put it). She is like a dream weaver catching all that her heart wants. It was a beautiful way for God to confirm that He hasn’t forgotten me. He wants me to have the desires of my heart… But not just small dreams. This web spanned the whole yard from what appeared to be roof to fence post. My extraordinary… Thank you Lord.

Now… The question remains… What are my next steps of service? 🙂

Loneliness

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I googled the “cure for loneliness,” simply because I was curious about which simplistic answers would top the list. As I suspected, “the key” to beating it is to 1) Be okay alone… and 2) Make new friends! “Wow!” I thought. “Thank you for such insightful conclusions!” (Perhaps it is my sarcasm that breeds this solitude).

I wondered if maybe I was asking the wrong question… Was it really loneliness? Afterall, I enjoy my quiet wine time. I am a riot: Even when it is only me that I entertain. I also have a close group of friends or active support network. The magic pill won’t cure that which isn’t ill.

Connect with my heart. Put an image to the feeling. What is it really?

Fear. It isn’t that I am lonely… It is that I am afraid that I will always be alone.

I am scared that no man will see me… The perfectly imperfect jewel. No man will love me… Enough to find joy in the monotony of our shared routines. I fear that on those days when I am exhausted and don’t want to talk, that no man will be here to touch me.

Google search: “Cure for fear.”

In Psychology Today’s article, “The Cure for Fear, Grief, and Death” (June 28, 2015), Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. declared that there is no cure for fear: We must simply remember the commonality of these human conditions. She goes on to state that “control is an illusion” and once we recognize our powerlessness, we are freed from the anxiety attached to wanting control.

Okay. I am not special in this. Everyone, at times, feels the facade of loneliness… The fear of being isolated from love.

It’s funny…. Recognizing and really allowing myself to feel that oneness with all those out there who feel it too… Has cured my loneliness.

At least for the moment.

Hello world!

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Thank you to my friends and family for encouraging me to get this blog “off the ground” and “out of my head.”

[Replacing the words to Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car:” “Get outta my head, get into my blog… ooohhooohhh”].

When sharing my experiences and observations, I’ll try to keep the tangents to a minimum; however, sometimes, they are so “out there” or lame, that they are pretty funny.  Don’t worry though: I’ll always come back around.  There is a method to this madness.

Authenticity is key; therefore, here is why writing is such a huge part of my life.  Many who know me can attest that I hate crowds.  I hate parties with lots of people.  I do not do well with small talk.  I’m the gal at a party in the kitchen because 1) I just don’t know what to say to people if it isn’t meaningful dialogue, 2) I experience energetic sensory overload, and 3) being “busy” is better than being “antisocial.”  In this perfectly busy life, I don’t often get to sit at a coffee shop for hours discussing the philosophies of life [RIP Ike’s Truck Stop].  I don’t get to meet random people, dominate them in a game of chess, then drive 400 miles on a whim… all while discussing the philosophies of life.  I don’t get to smoke a bowl, listen to my friend jam on the acoustic guitar, and write songs… about the philosophies of life [You know who you are….You are an amazing artist: Follow your dreams!].  With three kids, that life just isn’t practical or safe.  So… in order to maintain my sanity, I must do something a little crazy: Spill it all in a blog.  The safe and practical way for the modern-day philosopher [and working single mom; aka “A boss”] to share the love of ideas and learning.

[Songs that best caption who I am: “I’d Have To Be Crazy” by Willie Nelson and “Wide Open Spaces” by The Dixie Chicks]

Happy blogging!