Unsettled. Wondering what for? This life is wasted on gaining love when all I should be doing is giving it.
The calling of service to others continues to beckon… but how God? When and where? Do I give it all up and let the road open up for a servant and her three bairns? For nothing – no one – holds me to this place. I am always home when you are with me.
Yet they are held… So I am tethered. An approval he’d be quick to deny.
“Lord lead me away,” I beg. A woman commanded not to lead but yet… Who will? Not yet have I met a man strong enough to lead- to hold my hand as we walk together- him a few steps ahead. Together… Ministering to the world of Your Great Love.
“Lord lead me away… So I may prepare a place.” Will it be enough? Will I be enough? Will pride linger in Your eyes for Your faithful child?
If I’m not making a big impression upon humanity with my simple humble existence, will I serve my purpose?
“Lead me to perform miracles in your name.” Give me wisdom to make the big decisions as I continue to wait for he-who-is-in-your-plan.
“Lord I pray… Have mercy on my soul when I lie down to take my last breath.” Brother, tell the father: She tried to serve but knew not how… For her mind was on love. Her heart ached for the outflow of love. Her soul died when she found love no more on this Earth.
“Father I wait on bended knees… Hands raised to praise your name… Show me the next step.”
I humbly await your direction.
The Prayer: Part 2
I went to battle. I called upon God to consider my heart. With my prayer in mind, I requested guidance. I opened the Bible… First seeing some notes on Romans 6 and 7… A favorite for sure when considering, “What’s next?” But then it fell open to Matthew 3-7… The story of John the Baptist and how he prepared the way for his cousin: Christ. Then Christ’s baptism where the dove comes to baptize him of the spirit along with water. I remember “the high” I got after I went under the river and returned anew. It spoke on how he overcame temptation in the wilderness. Warning me too not to tempt God but to trust his plans. I skipped to 5:13… The biblical mother of this website. We are the salt of the earth. I fear… Have I lost my savor? Should I be cast out under foot? I am reminded of also being the light. Let my light shine before men. Christ fulfills all… I shine because He is in me. I skip forward again… Reciting the Lord’s Prayer… Not as written but as it is meant to be recited. With Sincerity. Fervor. In my war room. God is all powerful. And so I am brought then to “The Lilies.” My tattoo… A reminder not to worry… I am given all my needs in abundance. I pray again… Throughout. Lord you know my heart. Must I choose between love and service? Can I “have it all?” Then I notice… Dancing in mid-air. My sign. My moment’s spirit guide: The spider. Lord… Whatever her meaning… That will be my answer. So I google her. The Spider: Creative expression. She attaches her desires to nature and creates a magical display for all to see (as one site put it). She is like a dream weaver catching all that her heart wants. It was a beautiful way for God to confirm that He hasn’t forgotten me. He wants me to have the desires of my heart… But not just small dreams. This web spanned the whole yard from what appeared to be roof to fence post. My extraordinary… Thank you Lord.
Now… The question remains… What are my next steps of service? 🙂