The Mourning Doves

February 15, 2020 / amogilski / Leave a comment

Contrary to the name, the mourning dove- or “turtle doves” as the Christmas carolers call them- represent hope, peace and renewal when one is faced with loss. During a struggle today, I fervently prayed God send me a sign as to why He wants me to keep a faith in “that which the world tells me is impossible.” As I looked up from my praying position, I immediately spotted two mourning doves resting and tending to their feathers on the fence post at the back of the yard. Their presence actually startled me for a moment. I didn’t know what they meant at the time, but I knew with certainty that God was speaking to me through these spirit animals.

Through the doves, He said, “Despite your sorrow and the torment this process brings, trust in Me. Have peace in that I care for you and have a plan for you. Keep that hope and faith in things unseen.”

Amen.

The Distance of Love

February 3, 2020February 3, 2020 / amogilski / Leave a comment

Missing you. Choose to block it or feel the pain. If I just knew that you felt even a portion of what I feel, then it wouldn’t affect me this way. If I could be confident that you feel what I know you feel then it would ease the struggle. But the distance sings louder than the music we once heard.

It tugs at my core. Pulling my soul down… the band is so taut that if released, well… I don’t know what would happen. The only remedy is my hand in yours. So it continues to pull, yet simultaneously pushing all the emotion up to where my heart bursts with tears. It is an overwhelming sense of emptiness yet fullness in the love I have for you… But you aren’t here to receive it so it builds and builds and wants to burst.

Then there are the times when I fear you’ve lost what we were…. when I fear you no longer love me. This “reality” tells me that none of it is true- that my intuition… and God… lie to me. What I feel becomes so intense that when I fear, I have to block out the love. But when I block it, I have to block you completely. Erase the memory of your touch… of the way you feel like home. It’s just my survival babe. All the love is still there. I’m just too tired and worn out to face it… there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.

But then I pray. And love emerges from under the protective wall. God graces me with the promise that someday you’ll be in my arms again. But for now, I have to remember that although you are not here in the physical, you’ve never left my side. Our bond goes beyond the confines of this plane. You are with me and I am with you. Even still.

Abstract Art

February 1, 2020February 2, 2020 / amogilski / Leave a comment

Lost in your lips somewhere between LA and the border. Speaking in tongues as the boom badabeat moves faster. Lay my heart down in the trenches to live off coffee and nicotine. Racing racing racing to the rhythm.

Take you in. Find me there.

Lost sight of the others somewhere between hello and forever. Speaking in glances that were stolen from heaven. Lay down my fear in your arms to protect them. Spacing spacing spacing with no distance between us.

Take me in. Find you there.

Take me home. You wait for me. Your eyes and arms are where I need to be.

At Least She Tried

January 13, 2020 / amogilski / Leave a comment

I want to remember you with the passion we shared, maybe we were just craving to be touched, to be held, but I know that I truly cared.

I want to remember the way you tease just to make me smile, or the way you’d stare from across the room, holding my gaze for a while.

We’ve come a long way, we’ve become much stronger. But I can’t pretend not to feel anything for you much longer.

I want to remember how we make each other laugh- full bellied- without warning… You can write “at least she tried” on my epitaph.

I want to remember the past 50 years when we are old and gray, having held your hand up the hills and down along the whole way.

I must have been just another girl, just another fling… for you to tell me that I don’t mean a thing.

You must have been my imagination, just another fantasy… for me to believe there could’ve been pure ecstasy.

Yet I can’t pretend not to feel this love that has rooted in my core. Yes! I want the friendship, but it doesn’t end there… I want more.

We’ve come a long way, we’ve become much stronger. But I can’t pretend not to feel anything for you much longer.

Old Lovers Blues

January 1, 2020January 1, 2020 / amogilski / Leave a comment

There’s no place that calls my heart like my lover’s arms. But he’s gone away- What harm…

Have I done? My lover’s embrace… He’s the runner and I chase.

There’s just no place that feeds my soul like my baby’s sultry browns. Lord, he’s got me on the low, low down-

He’s gone away.

Tell me! What place? Could send such a thrill through my mind. He makes me search when he’s the one that’s blind.

But he’s not comin’ back… So I’ve got to be…

On my way. Oh Lord… Take these old lovers blues from me.

The Wish

December 31, 2019 / amogilski / Leave a comment

After hours, they’re still here. In the clear crisp nights of winter, they free my thoughts of fear. They are a comfort when I am alone. In the warm infinite nights of summer, they provide a sense of home. They make me feel sane when my hope is foolish. They guide me to dream, to love, and to make the impossible wish.

Star light star bright… A billion times the same wish tonight….

Come Home, My Dear

December 17, 2019August 2, 2020 / amogilski / Leave a comment

My tears emerge from where tragedy hides. Deep in the corners of my soul. Nobody dares to peek there. But you. You have squinted your eyes to see the child in the darkness… You have brushed the cobwebs off my brow. And loved me. Loved me enough that I feel again. I feel the pain. The joy. The humor in it all. I feel immense loss tearing my insides apart and a love that could burst under the pressure of my feels for you. Time is not an enemy we must conquer but an illusionist who falters. My tears escape- not of sadness or despair- but of relief that you have found me hiding there. And now you take me home.

That Balance

November 30, 2019 / amogilski / Leave a comment

Dropped the kids off with their dad and my soul leaps up, “Freedom!” Darlin’ let’s jump in the truck and head out on a little adventure. Grab a coffee and a bowl and just drive… Beyond our current circumstances. I don’t want to go to the bank to pay my rent… I want to go the bank of a glorious river- let’s dip our toes in the freezing water. I don’t want to go train my brain to remember the contents of books. I want to remember holding your hand on a train booked to nowhere and back. I don’t want to return to my quiet kidless house- I miss them. I want to be in God’s house surrounded by lively silence. I don’t want to clear the clutter and make my bed. I want to make out with you under the stars on a clear crisp night.

My soul is restless. When they ask “Are you living life to the fullest?” I’d have to say, “No” because I am choosing to be temperant and responsible. But I want to be irresponsible! I want to be whisked away, swept off my feet, and sweetly loved…. When the kids are away. ISO… That balance.