You’re Not Alone

Would it be vile- in this new age- to get close enough to put my arms around you?

Or should I ignore your suffering by staying six-feet apart- I’m not sure what to do.

I feel your heart breaking and the fear coursing through each vein.

You may lose the one you love but no one seems to hear your pain.

My heart is hanging by its last thread of this sleeve, for someone I never knew.

Dear Stranger, You’re not alone.

Would you have time- perhaps just a moment- to find the root… for me to pick your brain?

It’s not called burnout but is compassion fatigue when you keep going and try not to complain.

You’re hungry, exhausted, over-worked, and over-burdened, and on deaf-ears you collectively plead.

The Man doesn’t hear, but He who sent us does! Let’s create a plan to care for you lest my heart continues to bleed.

The scales are tipped in your favor so the world can see the system is flawed: These conditions are inhumane.

My Weary Caregiver, You’re not alone.

Would knowing my status or forcing my hand ease your mind even if we disagreed?

Risk is a necessary evil when taking a stand or holding strong to your creed.

The trickster has caught us in a trap to swing left or right…to be a passive or passionate civilian?

Our health, our freedom, our lives… at risk without trust or knowing the real villain.

Yet we can still do what’s right by letting our God-given knowledge and intuition be the lead.

To my Uncertain Friend, You’re not alone.

Would protection for our children mean we give up our rights… is that really worth a bribe of 15 billion?

Protection from what or by whom? We’ve already seen the destruction by lost lives over 4.5 million.

These children are caught in the middle while we’re fighting over an unknown agenda that’s either political or moral.

We just want their lives to be full, free, connected, and for them to develop in a way that used to be normal.

But then I remember that no man can take their freedom: The war is already won! Hate- 0; Love- googillion.

Oh Papa- and Mama-Bears, You’re not alone.

None of us are alone in the pain, struggle, and uncertainty.

We just have to let someone in to share the burden and prove that Love wins!


On My Behalf

Stopped. Not by external forces but the internal knowledge that if I don’t stop myself than the universe will stop me… put me on my knees and have me begging for solace and peace. How long did I think I could sustain this pressure? But when I stop… the thinking creeps in, followed by the deep loneliness that likes to push me down into the darkness… I look out for him so that I can dodge his trickery: “I’m not alone!!!” I yell to him before he’s close enough to shove me down. “I’ve got my dreams to comfort me!” But he still advances to trip me up. “I have freedom how I live. No one will stop me from capturing my desires,” except my old friends Doubt and Fear, but I don’t tell him that. Loneliness smirks in a way that lets me know he’s plotting… planning ways to remind me of lost lovers.

My Heart speaks on my behalf: “Love is free. You just have to accept it.” It’s as if he was reminding me, but then I saw that his intensity was directed toward Loneliness. “You know this! Why do you try to toss her to the lion’s of her mind? Don’t you also know she is protected by a Love greater than any of your threats?”

“I do,” replied Loneliness with a mix of angst and a frog in his throat.

“Then why try?”

“You could never understand!!! Love turned its back on me!! It’s not fair that she should have so much when I have none… But you’re Heart… How could you ever get it? You’re filled to the brim.”

“That’s where you are mistaken my dear misguided Loneliness. I am not filled with love! I AM Love! I am the source, the process, and the product.” Loneliness turned away, ashamed of being in Love’s presence… tears… on the brink of flooding the valley of my soul. Heart approached and placed His hand on his shoulder… “And I… give myself to you freely. Can you accept this gift?”

Be Still to Escape

I want to know your dark side.

Let me in!

Not so I can change you… That’s the last thing I mean to do.

Just let me in!!

To quietly sit next to you in the quicksand of your thoughts.

Let me sit in stillness… with silence… while you flail and kick and scream and struggle to get out of the traps you’ve set for yourself.

Let my presence in love reassure you that you are never alone.

That no matter how low you sink and how covered you are in muck…

Hope still exists!

Fighting only makes it worse… so let go.

You have to quiet your mind.

Let go of the struggle…

So that you can focus on the mustard seed lost in the millions of granules of shame, defeat, selfishness, and self-destruction.

When you are still, you’ll find that- somehow, someway- hope becomes magnified.

Let me send my love to lighten your way…

So you can finally see and claim what has been yours all along.

So that together, we can be free.

Legacy of Love

When I can’t be with you anymore, will you hold my frail but soft hand?

When I’m scared because I don’t recognize this cold place, will you sing me my favorite songs?

When I forget you, will you remember all I taught you?

When I run out the door, will you take me back in to put on my pants?

When I get angry and snap at you because I’m ashamed for losing control, will you playfully give me shit for forgetting that I love you!

When the tears fill my eyes because I know that you’re losing me, please just pretend you don’t notice so I can be in denial just one more day.

Take me with you when I am gone.


With Alzheimer’s disease, the symptoms progressively worsen. I wrote this piece so that time is going backward with more and more opportunities to make memories and share your wisdom.

Today I read my dad’s birth certificate… It stated that his mother- who later had Alzheimer’s disease- had 3 children already when he was born, but six- yes 6!! who were born but died, it made me wonder if trauma and dementia are linked… Sure enough, there is a higher risk for dementia after trauma, especially childhood trauma.

I always thought Gram got it because there was a life of abuse that she wanted to forget. But now I see more events she may not want to remember. You can’t tell me that losing 6 of your full term fetuses or young children doesn’t rip out your soul… no? Oh no? It doesn’t? Well then you my friend… Go feed yourself to an elephant ’cause you’re nuts!

Even if it was “the norm.”

So… long story short… 1) It runs in my family. 2) Childhood trauma with undiagnosed PTSD. 3) A past of repetitive negative thinking. 4) I’m a woman.

My risk is high….

I better write down what I know about life so that those I love can remember me #LeaveALegacy

Dear Lord,

Thank You for the reminders to let go of those things that do not help me to grow and prosper in Your Love. Thank You for supplying all my needs in abundance. I trust that You have my best interest at heart and would not limit my future but continue to fill my life with blessed gifts.

There is so much beauty that You have given the world yet we get trapped in our minds with worry, shame, and regret. But there is no need for that! So instead, I worship, praise, and focus my gaze toward You!

You created the sunlight that reflects off the leaves… and You control the wind that tickles the branches. You gave the lizards and birds the instinct to fill their bellies and dance for a lover. You taught patience, forgiveness, and charity. You placed each star in the night sky and breathed life into those I love.

Thank you for the richness in life.

The Love Stories

Once upon a time… that’s how these love stories are suppose to begin, right? Because, yes, this is a multi-level love story. It begins with a Father… and His Son, whose name was Michael. I can’t tell you when this tale begins, but I can tell you where… Beyond the reaches of our human curiosity and potential.

Now any parent can tell you that it is quite difficult to put to words the love they have for their child. You’d just have to see it in action. And that is exactly what happened in the beginning of our love story. Words cannot give justice to the peace, security, and joy that exuded from this Father and Son. But it was palpable to all who gazed upon them together. However, not everyone liked the exclusivity of their relationship.

There was one- Lucifer, another son, but who was not born of the Father- who felt that he should be loved as much as the biological Son and should have these bonding moments with the Father too. You see… Lucifer was the most beautiful angel whose voice could soften diamonds. His music resonated through timelessness and space to connect all of Heaven in glorifying God. Yet, he wanted his father’s adoration to be at the same level as His love for Michael. He felt that although he was not a biological son, he was still a son! He was esteemed as the highest created being, above all others, except for Michael… But it wasn’t enough. The envy and jealousy grew! He soon began his greatest song composed of his comradery with other angels in rebellion against this injustice in love. This saddened the Father and He tried to love an explanation to Lucifer, but his heart had been hardened already. His hurt had turned to anger and when he was about to lash out against his dad, his Father- with a tear streaming down to his fingertip- pointed to the gates. “I love you son, but you must go.”

But where would he go, you might wonder. What was outside those Heavenly Gates? “Be kind, Rewind” just a moment…

Michael and his Father were together, always, and one of their favorite past times was to work together to create things: Worlds to be exact. They loved each one, for each world was perfect. Now they didn’t just create and then abandon them. They maintained a close relationship which each world. They would invite the ambassadors from these worlds to Heaven for a little pow-wow of “How are things going?” It was always the same response, “Wonderful Father, Glory be Your Name!” and Lucifer’s choir would rejoice, sending vibrations of pure love throughout the multiverse. One day, Michael sighed, “Dad, I have an idea. Let’s create one more world…. But this one will be different…. Hear me out, let’s make them in Our image! It will be amazing! We’ll walk and talk with them and they will love being apart of this family. What do you say?” So they began their quest in making the most epic masterpiece of all… Earth. They worked tirelessly everyday so that each aspect would be precise and each detail would be “just right.” On the seventh day, when they were complete, they stood back and smiled. It was beautiful! Their hearts filled with pride and joy, for this world was the manifestation of their love for each other and an extension of their family.

When Lucifer perceived that their love for this new world seemed to surpass the love they had for him, it was the moment his heart finally froze and shattered into pieces.

At least two new love stories begin in this new world: The love between heaven and humanity and the love of the first twin flames. Adam and Eve were unique from other beings because of their connection with each other. In the other worlds, the beings were created separately and without a familial bond. However, she came from him: “Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh.” They were a single flame living in multiple dimensions, which meant they loved unconditionally, were in union with Tao or the Great Spirit, and manifested their wants and desires. They would walk and talk daily with the Father and Michael, whose divine and unconditional love was the fuel to their flame. But the Father knew that true love came with trust and a choice. So he had tested each world with a command, if they loved him in return, they would trust him, thus follow his directive. He placed two trees in their garden. One that would give them eternal life. Another that would ban them from eternity. He told them not to go near or eat of the second tree. He did not tell them that it would separate them from Him because He wanted them to simply trust that He loved and protected them.

Michael enjoyed watching the dynamic between Adam and Eve. Adam was attentive and she would respond in kind. When they gazed into each others eyes, it was as if the world stood still and they could communicate without uttering a word. They trusted and loved each other as if the other were Oneself. Even during physical distance, they were always together in the dimensions that disallow the separation of spirit. This timeless love encompassed the whole of their garden as a warm protective light and nothing could sever their love… Or so they thought.

As the other created beings from all the worlds would visit heaven for Counsel, so too did Adam. He represented this new world and came to glorify God. Yet, during each visit, he felt uncomfortable, as if someone were glaring at him. He wasn’t just imagining it. Lucifer had his contemplative eye on that which Michael loved, plotting to pull them away from Him. He wanted to hurt Michael as much as he was hurt by His place on the right of Father. He wanted the other beings to honor him instead. But how… How could he make loyal creatures betray their Creator and follow him? He finally knew how he’d do it! He practiced first on other angels in Heaven, gaining their loyalty to follow him “when the time comes.” When he saw Adam as the representative for Earth, he knew it was his window, so he lashed out against the Father, who banished him. In Lucifer’s mind, it was the first phase of Project Prince of Earth, where he would be loved above all else!

Once he and his brigade fell to earth, they set up camp outside the boundaries of Eden. In order for his plan to work, he needed to perfect his powers on earth. Time did not exist within the garden so he wasn’t in a rush, he strove for perfection rather than progress. Lucifer was at a disadvantage because although he could manipulate energy, he could not create from nothing. So he spent millennia taking “that which was already there and living” and attempted to mold his own beings, but they never had the intellect, emotional maturity, and energetic power of that despised flame union. They couldn’t, because they weren’t created in the image of God nor did they have the pure love from His breath for their life. Lucifer even tried using angelic DNA to spark the intellect and power of the Neanderthals but he couldn’t come close to the perfection that the Father and Michael had created. When he became frustrated, he’d fly to the top of the highest mountain to contemplate his next move. He’d orchestrate a symphony from the wind as a way to clear his mind. When his song was over, he thought, “If only they had knowledge of how wonderful I am, they’d love me too.” Suddenly it dawned on him, “That’s it! Knowledge.”

Lucifer knew he had to make them aware of the whole story: The good and the bad! They knew about Heaven since Adam had travelled there for Counsel and they knew about all things in the garden… But they weren’t aware of the whole world outside their “bubble.” Adam hadn’t been to Counsel since Lucifer’s rebellion so they weren’t privy to his demise. From his perspective, God was “unjust and unfair” and the other created beings needed to know it. If he could make them see that their beloved Father didn’t love them as much as they thought he did, then they would know that he was right and worthy of their love!

So he travelled to the east where he met his brother Uriel. “I’ve come to speak with Adam, let me in Brother.” But when Uriel closed his eyes, Lucifer felt the message of God speak to his shattered heart: “My son, you have betrayed me. But I love you still. You may not walk upon the grounds of this Holy place, but there is one place that I will allow you to go: The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.” And so he changed his form to the most beautiful creature: A magnificent winged serpent with colors that dazzled in the sunlight. This would surely get the attention of Adam.

There came a time when Adam was naming the animals. As the steward of the earth, it was his duty to remind them with his energy and intent that he had dominion over them. He enjoyed spending time with them. Eve fancied her walks in the garden and doing her part to care for the animals too. She would give her energy to the plants and animals to sustain their vibrancy. All was as it should be. Until one day when Eve heard a faint melody.

It was the most magnificent and hypnotizing song she had ever heard! Although not by his side, she expressed her delight to Adam through their shared spirit: He had heard it too. They revelled in their joy and glorified God for what they thought He had gifted them. Adam simply returned to his duty, enjoying the peace it brought him. Eve on the other hand, felt her emotions bubble up and she started to dance. As she bounded, twirled and hummed along, she sensed the song getting louder. “Strange,” she thought. For a song from the Father would emanate throughout and within the garden. This song seemed to be coming from one spot. Her curiosity spiked and she followed it. Alas, she came to the center of the garden and froze. She looked upon the lush tree, towering in front of her. Her world began to blur yet the tree remained a crisp vision before her.

“Where is Adam?” Eve looked around to where the voice came from. It wasn’t the Father or Michael’s voice, she knew that… but who else could it be? Her eyes centered on a beautiful winged creature. She had never seen anything like it anywhere in the garden: Adam had not yet named this exquisite thing. She reached out to touch it when it spoke again, “Is Adam not with you?” It could talk!! This indeed was marvelous: None of the other animals could speak! She stepped back, suddenly realizing that this tree… this was the forbidden tree! She stumbled on her words, “Of course. He is always with me.”

“Yes, of course he is, Father would not have made it any other way.”

“Father? What do you mean? You are merely a creature. I did not know you called Him Father.”

“My dear, there is so much you don’t know.” Then with a quick transition to another subject, he divulged, “You know, you have such a lovely spirit about you. I can tell you are the apple of Adam’s eye.”

“Peace to you fair creature,” she blushed, a sensation she had never experienced before. She thought of Adam and sent him a message of love. “But,” she added, “What do you mean, ‘there is so much we don’t know’? Father and Michael walk and talk with us often, as a matter of fact, we will commune with them soon. I shall tell them about your kindness.”

“Oh no, no,” the creature retorted, “That is not necessary. They know already. Actually, they have always known but have not told you.”

“Told me what? They must have good reason not to if they haven’t,” she tried to defend her Creators, but the curiosity was insurmountable. The creature slithered around one of the pieces of fruit that hung low on a branch, the weight of him pulling it down closer to her reach.

“Oh, I shouldn’t say,” he began, “but it’s just not fair that you don’t know.” He paused. “Alright… look around, listen, touch, all these things you sense, but you cannot fully appreciate them. Father has made it so you cannot truly experience the beauty that surrounds you.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Father loves us and has given us everything!”

“No my dear, he hasn’t. There is a whole world out there beyond these garden walls. Here let me show you.” He slithered down around her arm and as he touched her, she was immediately entranced in a vision of another world, unlike her garden, she felt unusual sensations of what we know to be hot and damp. There was lush foliage and giant animals roaming the land. When she came out of that state, she was baffled: Why wouldn’t Father tell us about this? Why was he hiding it from us? Again, she stepped away from the tree, now a heaviness weighed her down and the inside of her head began to spin with conversations that had not been had.

“I must go.” She was scared but she didn’t know to call it that. She tried to contact Adam but her telepathy was somehow blocked by the chaos in her head. She felt very… alone. She needed to find Adam so she turned to go, but the creature was still wrapped around her arm. It squeezed, “Wait! I mean, please don’t go my fair and lovely woman. It will not harm you. I know these feelings are new, but I am here with you. Please. Tell me, what do you feel?” She relaxed in the moment her eyes met the creatures. They were mesmerizing and they made her powerless against his will. “There you go. Find comfort in me. I will protect you. They have withheld the truth from you, but I would never do that.” He loved her attention. He loved that she became putty of his desires. His plan was working. “You want to know more, don’t you?” She nodded, her gaze still locked on his; for this is the only comfort she felt in this isolation. “Father told you not to eat of this tree because he didn’t want you to know. Here,” he pulled the fruit down once more and motioned for her to pick it. “This fruit will take you on a journey to explore all of the unknown. Once you eat it, Father and Michael cannot hide the truth from you anymore. You shall be like them: You were created in Their image, so now you will have the complete compendium of understanding. Don’t worry, taste it, I will be here for you.” He had entranced her as a way to entice her toward a desire for more, but he knew it had to be her choice to eat of the fruit. So he lifted his spell and her senses went back to the way it had always been. She looked around, listened, and touched, but it felt different. It was less pleasurable to give her energy to the plants and animals, she felt she needed to preserve it for herself because she wanted to get back on the ride and giving it away would make her feel empty. She considered asking Adam but she feared he wouldn’t understand because he hadn’t experienced what she had experienced. She needed to know more.

Oh, it was the most delicious fruit that had ever touched her lips. Slowly, the reality of what had been unknown unfolded in another trance-like vision. It began in her present moment and proceeded to rewind into a hierarchy of events. She again saw the world outside the garden and the angel that protected the gates. She saw the brilliance of the union with Adam and the family that was formed when they were created. She saw the other worlds and the trees that tested them too. Then, she saw it: Lucifer’s rebellion. She felt the jealousy and envy toward Michael that had filled his heart. She felt the pain of the Father when He had to banish His son. A breeze swirled past her body and she sensed its coolness. Her heart pounded as if ready to burst. “Creature are you here?” She begged for his comfort, but he was no where to be found. The tree looked darker and cast a shadow on where she stood. The moment of time… began.

Adam came running toward her, “Eve, my love, here you are! I couldn’t sense you: Something is wrong! My love, your body is bare!” She broke down sobbing with shame for having left his spiritual presence to journey with the creature. When he held her and their bodies touched, he too felt bare and in looking down saw that he was naked. “Don’t worry, I am here.” Those words, a comfort before, became a thorn in her heart. Her trust in the creature had been betrayed and now she could not bring herself to trust anyone, not herself, not Adam. She held him tighter so that he couldn’t leave her. “Come with me, love.” He already felt the changes because when she pierced the fruit, he too ingested its poison. “See what I have seen.” He loved her with his entire soul and could not imagine existence without her, so he too bit into the fruit.

At that moment, a loud thunderous earthquake rattled the earth and split not only the ground but also their consciousness. Unity became dualism. The spirit of the flame was broken into two. They felt the darkness and yes, it brightened the light, but it also pushed it farther away from their experience. “We must tell Father,” Eve confessed, she now knew that the creature had deceived her. “I didn’t think that you would understand but you did: Father too will understand.” But Adam’s ego had already taken hold, “He won’t understand, we must hide this from him, like He hid it from us. I am here with you. Isn’t that enough?” Her love for him was so great that she couldn’t go against his wishes despite feeling it to be wrong. She would follow him as he had followed her. The intensity of their love came from the divine love, yet now they could not be in the presence of such purity and perfection: It was scary and their shame told them they were not worthy, so they began to chase and run from the intensity of that divine love.

“Adam? Where are you? I couldn’t sense you: Something is wrong!” The words rang in Adam’s ears like an echo of when he sought his beloved Eve. He grabbed Eve’s hand and ran to hide, but he knew that he could not hide from his omniscient Father. “Here we are.” He bowed his head in shame so that he would not meet the eyes of his Creator. He listened to their story and how the beautiful creature had seduced Eve to serpentine their pure and perfect course. This troubled the Father, but because He was indeed a just and loving parent, he could not let their disobedience go without consequence. So, with a tear streaming down to his fingertip, he pointed to the gate, “I love you son, but you must go.”

And so He waits: He waits for all of His children- including Lucifer- to return to the unity of His love, to accept the order and birthright, and to reject dualism in their hearts and minds. He waits for these Love stories to play out happy endings.

Lucifer continues to sing from the depressed, angry, and lonely hearts of the people, but he longs for his place on the left hand of the Father… but his pride and hurt have made the barrier too thick: The wall of his heart is too high. Just as he cries out in melodies and harmonies, so too do the Children of Light who burn as One Flame exude the inspired love that fills their hearts in hopes to right our course: “Imagine there’s no heaven. It’s easy if you try. No hell below us. Above us only sky. Imagine all the people. Living for today… Living life in peace… Sharing all the world… You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us. And the world will be as One” (Need I reference it? Or do we all know?).

Imagine the dualism disappears into unity once more. Imagine we live for love in the moment rather than what we will be rewarded or denied in the end. Living in trust. Sharing One spirit in Tao where our love exists as a single flame rather than two. The Father sent His Son to take our place and pay for our transgressions so that we would continue to live and love within the divine connection- so that His Begotten Son could be that bridge or connection between the Father and His beloved children: So that we again could be as One… Family. Represented by Michael… in Heaven.

How will you continue in this love story?

Is it faith or just stupidity?

Discussion in my family has centered on faith recently. My mother- who has been an Elijah and I her Elisha wishing for a double portion of her spirit when she has gone from this earth (2 Kings 2:9)- has struggled with what it means to have faith. It seems so simple… She has lived by faith all my life. It is who she is… A faithful woman! But this issue is not only about faith- in her mind- it is about faith in what? What does God want her to have faith in? It has become an issue that makes faith, “Easier said than done.” Yet again and again, she is told “Just have faith.” Her frustration is paramount because she seeks a yes or no answer- “Have faith in which side,” she wonders! Her dilemma has led me to consider my own journey of faith. Am I living in faith? Should I be a better model to her and others as to what faith means or what we should have faith in?

My story begins- like many others- with the traumas of childhood, which are manifested in my character today. After my dad’s accident, we were dirt poor- not in spirit, but in the worldly construct of money and possessions. We grew up rationing, sacrificing, and humbling ourselves before the Lord. Although my mother had faith that we would be fed, have a place to live, and have all our needs met- as promised by God (Philippians 4:19), we still felt it. We knew we had less than everyone else: Often, others in our social circles would remind us that we were less because we had less. Despite her best efforts to keep us ignorant of our circumstances, we grew up never feeling financial abundance… It is uncomfortable now. I feel as though “if I have… then I must get rid of.” Whether it be a splurge or a donation to someone in need… All my pockets have holes.

Consider the lilies. Consider the lilies. Over and over I have reminded myself not to worry about having enough… God provides! This verse (Matthew 6: 25) has meant so much to me that I tattooed lilies on my arm as homage to God’s promises. Yet it goes beyond “having enough” to truly feeling “abundant.” When my mild OCD spikes, I calculate as a way to self-soothe. I calculate my budget. I calculate the same numbers a different way. Again, another scenario. I feel better when I make the list, deduct, add, cross off… Pen on paper… Action when I am otherwise stuck with these debts. I secretly hope that money will appear out of nowhere to get rid of it while I replay my mother’s pattern of “not letting the kids feel in lack.” But sometimes, I feel inspired to share my struggle and why I can’t fulfill my own desires, only their wants and needs. “Mommy, have you taken any stones off your mountain?” My mountain- a great sturdy force looming toward the heavens- blocking the path between me and my dreams- casts a long shadow on my spirit. “No sweetie, not yet.” I hate it, but that part in me- from childhood- has become way too comfortable here. Consider the lilies. May God “grant [me], according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit [in me]… Grounded in love… Unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in [me]” (Ephesians 3: 14-21).

Conceptually I knew to feel abundance versus lack. Yet, no one had told the child in me that I am not poor! It has only been these past couple of years that I have acted in abundance. I had jumped- took leaps of faith- trusted in God. Now I live in abundance! I thank God each day for those blessings. However, I still feel in lack when I consider “that time when I won’t get a paycheck.” I have a small savings for it but I look at my mountain and get overwhelmed and anxious. I still feel like I’m drowning. I am flailing my arms trying to survive when all I need to do is… stand up! Better yet, all I need to do is take the cloak that has fallen onto me and strike the river (think wrapping a wet towel to fling at someone) so that I may cross on dry land (2 Kings 2: 14). But how do I do that? How do I turn metaphorical imagery into real action?

My rational brain says, Don’t be stupid! You are putting yourself at risk. Just keep doing what you are doing… Your situation will eventually change. You just need to get through the summer. But living in fear and doubt is contrary to God’s plan that we “have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of him” (Ephesians 3: 12). Our rational minds keep us tethered to the 3D realm and I… I was born into living a life beginning in no less than the 6th dimension (hahaha)! How dare my mind pull me down! I am an heir to the riches of the glory of God! I declare this debt be gone! I declare abundance. Child in me, I am not in lack anymore. I have inherited the riches and glory of God through Christ! Now… Take up the cloak and…

Walk across!

I can’t answer my own question on how to make the imagery real except…

May we boldly ascend to higher dimensions of faith through love, not fear!

The Meaning of Wholeness

The following Pre-Interview Thoughts were not shared with participants prior to our discussions:

Wholeness is not a static place of being; rather, it is “alive” as an energetic movement of the soul, mind, and body.  Wholeness is embracing the negative and positive parts of yourself and allowing them to flow and transform your inner and external worlds.  Wholeness does not deny that which is dark: Darkness heightens the parts of you that are light.  The light gives depth to the dark (Taoist principles).

Erik Erikson believed that wholeness could be experienced when the stages of psychosocial development were balanced, yet because the scales were not fixed, one could easily revert back to an imbalance or conversely, gain balance through rectification of past traumas in a specific stage.  He didn’t believe that individuals must be on the positive side of each at all times; rather, “balance” could manifest differently for diverse people. Erikson believed that culture and society (i.e., the relational quality) play a crucial role in identity and wholeness.

Interview 1:

Background: The interviewee is an artist, a teacher of sorts, a business man… He wears many hats. He was raised in the Seventh-Day Adventist Church.  His family have been prominent in the Youth Ministry; as well as, missionaries abroad.  However, he has rejected God due to the “empty promises” of the Word. 

He defined wholeness via the comparison to society and its social norms.  He determined his wholeness on his ability to “keep up” with his same-age peers.  He also questioned his wholeness with “Am I capable of life alone?”  He reasoned that his place in life is a result of “him” alone (i.e., without the help of parents or friends).  However, his train of thought prompted the idea that he still felt like “Something should be missing” (e.g., kids, pets, relationships).  I questioned this because I know the history on how his family have pressured him to take certain steps in his life: Go to school, get a degree, get married, start a family, etc.  He struggled with that pressure versus his dream to travel (i.e., which he ended up choosing!).  Now that he has returned and is back to the ol’ grind of what could be called “His normal life.”  I questioned whether he felt there was something missing or was it that he was pressured to feel that way.  He retorted that our desires to create a family are primal.  Yet, the influx of social media has forced us further into isolation.  People tend to falsely believe that “everyone else” has a perfect life or are okay because of their posts on social media.  Most people don’t complain and therefore, no one reaches out to make sure.  We present as “a-okay” yet don’t allow others in to see our pain.  Nor can we see the pain of others when they present themselves as “fine.”  Social media traps us in this “comparative model,” and no matter how well we are doing, we can always find someone else who presents as “better.”  Thus, our own psyche manipulates that information to create insecurity and a lack of self-esteem and confidence.

I asked if the urge was stronger to start a family now that he accomplished his dream of traveling.  He said that he fills the void or empty spot with the connection to his family.  He is quite close to his brother and calls his mother daily.  Being from a SDA family, I know he must have grown up with reminders of “Christ fills that void.”  When I inquired on his thoughts about that saying, he informed me on his disbelief in God and that Christ is not a part of his life.  He related religion to an open book club where some are very open and others’ more questionable.  We discussed his upbringing in the Youth Group and concluded that his mother must have felt that wholeness came from being a part of a fellowship in the church.  In conclusion, he believed that wholeness is based on self-reflection against others’ and one’s subsequent self-perception in comparison with the social norms.  He gave the example of a stable gay couple with kids.  Despite them feeling secure and happy on their own, when they compare themselves against the social norm and unfortunate stigma of diverse SOGIE, they may feel less “whole.” 

Interview 2:

Background:  This interviewee does not cling to religious beliefs either.  She finds the spiritual in living up to one’s passions.  She works in higher education as an Academic Advisor for Graduate Studies at a university.

She began her response with the correlation that wholeness has to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.  When our basic needs are met, we have the capacity to feel contentment.  When we feel emotionally heard and can reciprocate by listening to others, we increase our likelihood of feeling whole.  Although she does not equate “spiritual” as religious, she believes strongly in needing to feel invested in our beliefs.  “We must find opportunities within our circumstances (i.e., whether it be poverty, higher education, church group) to share our time and energy with others concerning those strong beliefs.”  At first, she considered friendships and romantic love to be secondary, but in discussion, realized that they are the needed “opportunity” to share.  Others are not separate from wholeness, but a catalyst for wholeness. 

When asked how she perceived individuals who are whole, she stated that she assumed they are content and happy more often than sad or disappointed: Their needs must be getting met.  They must be able to be speak their emotions and be heard by others. They must feel loved because “rarely can someone feel whole on their own.”

Further into our discussion, she shared a description of Michelle Obama’s autobiography.  She recounted how Obama was a “box checker:” Meeting goals, advancing herself in the rat race, and marking off more and more personal accomplishments.  Until she met Barack.  He laid awake at night figuring out solutions to social injustices and ways he could help others.  We proposed that she may have felt whole in herself before meeting him, but then, she grew and expanded outside herself, which made her revert to a feeling of “un-wholeness.”  Wholeness must exist on a spectrum!  I surmised that society would consider “un-wholeness” as a negative; however, this is the point where- instead of being filled from the outside- she opened herself to the ability to “create space.” 

Side-Note: “Squirrel!!”

I imagine how and where “box-checking” came into play… Yes we could say “throughout history,” yet it seems that need to organize our successes really took hold in the early 20th century.  In the 19th century and the expansion into the West, people may not have needed it because they were pioneers… To whom would they be comparing themselves? Many who stayed in the East were “surviving” as immigrants or “came from money” or in rural areas feeling contentment.  It seems that restlessness, a need to compare, organization to cope with chaos, or whatever you want to call it, may have began as resources and freedoms increased and the masses gained the insight of “me too!” or “You mean I can have gold, money, a career, a voice, equality, etc.”  Then with the Depression, many “things” and opportunities were taken away.  People had to scramble to be the one’s to “make it.” Hence a need for box-checking. I remember my grandmother hording things because “There may be another Depression.” Many people horde their things, wealth, emotions, time, etc. because they fear if they give it freely, it may never return. Yet if we are all givers, and know how to harness from the universe, then we need not fear.

In conclusion:

The interviewees provided diverse views on the meaning of wholeness, yet both had a relational quality.  Both hypothesized that wholeness cannot exist in a social vacuum.  We depend on others to be mirrors or comparisons for our self-reflection and opportunities for our expansion.  I am further convinced of Charles Cooley’s idea (i.e., one of my favorite quotes) that “I am not who I think I am.  I am not who you think I am.  I am who I think you think I am.” 

The Post Interview Thoughts:

Typically, we relate wholeness to being filled by some thing or someone.  However, as discussed further in one of my interviews, wholeness is the act of making space not filling up.  It is “making space so that the Spirit may freely flow through the Lord’s temple.”

God’s love is the binding agent of our imperfect earthly love.  Rather than comparing ourselves to everyone else, we can be a model of wholeness to show others that there is an opportunity for wholeness (i.e., something more) or even “that which is greater than whole.” Contrary to the ideal of making space, this would be envisioned as a “pouring over” or “overflowing.” Although opposite ideas, they are quite similar in this context. They are attempting to make room and are a flowing of energy.

Personal Account:

It’s amazing how the areas of health, finances, relationships, etc. in life are so intertwined and affected by our relationship with God.  I can always tell based on “how I am doing” in those areas as to how my relationship with God is at the time.  It is almost like a cue for me now… “oh boy… Things are not flowing freely and with ease… Have I been communing as much as I should?”  The imbalance pulls me back to reading my Bible, praying and meditating on scripture, praising Him through gratitude or song, etc.  I always feel whole when I get back to God.  He never leaves, but sometimes I get distracted by parenting, occupation, health, relationships, finances, failed attempts at love, drama, ego, etc.  It’s as if there is a necessary consciousness to the process.  Awareness of routines, belief systems, and relationships with the world makes all the difference in whether we have stagnation or growth, struggle or ease, complacency or true connection. 

Further Thoughts:

One questioned, “How can I be concerned with self-actualizing thoughts like ‘the meaning of wholeness’ when I barely make ends meet?” I questioned, is Wholeness a privilege or a right?  Is it White Privilege to have wholeness because that population may have a greater chance of having basic needs met?  I believe that diverse people, including low socioeconomic status, can indeed experience wholeness.  For many with low SES, family and friends become a priority.  Relationships are a huge part of wholeness.  I think the important word was “self-actualizing.”  Does wholeness exist if it isn’t brought into consciousness?  The healed man in Luke 17: 11-19 had the realization or mindfulness to return to Christ.  Yet the others still felt whole, didn’t they?  It was just a different level of wholeness.  He modeled an opportunity for more but it wasn’t to take away from the wholeness they felt in their capacity.  So the same goes for the one who questioned: He may not “worry about” those higher needs but it doesn’t take away from his individualized capacity to experience wholeness. 

Final, Final Thoughts: “I Swear!!”

Yet whether we are box-checkers or struggling to have our basic needs met, we cannot forget that Christ and God’s love is essential in the process of wholeness.  It reminds me of how in the Old Testament, the Israelite people were given the Law.  They strove for perfection within themselves as they performed to the Letter of the Law.  Yet Christ came and proved that without Him, their attempts are in vain.  We cannot do it by ourselves.  The Law was given to show them that they fail without Him.  Christ fulfills the law and lives through us… In the same manner, we can try and try to be perfectly whole, yet we will fail until we accept our Wholeness in the Lord.