I’m caught in the riptide… but that’s okay: I’ve always been a good swimmer.
Author: amogilski
How do I help you?
Is it our familial DNA- nature- or nurture that causes one to slit throats? My brother prepared me for life with my son who takes after his father. They all know how to “go for the jugular” and it takes every bit of patience and love in me to ignore- to not react in a way that lets him know it kills me… But he knows, so he keeps cutting.
My brother tormented me growing up. He knew I loved my kittens so he would force their tiny paws on the scorching metal of the car in summer, just to make me cry and scream! He spit in my hair and in my food on the daily. I got used to not eating. He hated me because I was the baby of the family and got our mother’s attention when she had so little time to give. When he tormented me, I would tattle on him and thus he would gain mother’s attention. Negative attention is better than no attention in the eyes of a child.
My son’s dad would go from 0 to 60 in his consequences for the littlest thing our son would do. He would determine how to hurt him the most and use it to gain control when our son would deviate from what was expected. My son would work hard all day long to earn “wrestling time with dad.” Yet, in his excitement, he might prematurely jump on him. Rather than give a calm warning or reminder to wait for him to be ready, his dad would heavily chastise him and send him to his room for the rest of the night. My son would cry and cry and wonder why his dad hated him so much. He wanted to die because he could never do anything right.
Here we are now- three years after we left- with these ideas about himself ingrained. Any time I give a consequence or must raise my voice, he reverts back to a time when he was treated with injustice. He claims we don’t respect him as he cusses up a storm and uses physical means as an attempt to “control the girls’ behavior.” I calmly remind him that I cannot have him around the girls when he acts like that but that I love him and will talk with him when he is calm.
He continues to slice at me with comments that he knows hit a chord: “You hate me. I’m just going to go kill myself. Can you look up for me ways to kill myself? Dad’s wife is a better mother than you. You treat me like shit! You only use us for the child support money.” Breathe deeply. Don’t react. Lord help me.
I finally declare that if we don’t care about him nor respect him and it is so horrible to be in my home and if she is such a better mom, then let’s call your dad and tell him that you need to live with him for awhile: Let the back peddling commence, “Uh, no! That’s not what I want!” As I pick up the phone, “Don’t! I just want you to respect me!” He sobs.
Inside I am crying. The tears are welling up. But, I have to push them down. But why? Isn’t he pushing and slicing so that I will bleed too? Isn’t he trying to get me to feel as much pain as he is inside? Perhaps we should cry together instead. For it pains me greatly to see him in such torment. In time, given space, it passes and he returns to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I love you.” We hug for a long while and I tell him that I love him too. His words suture the wounds just a bit, but they still hurt. And I know it’s only a matter of time before the knives come out again and he starts slashing!
*I hope that my story can help someone out there who also struggles with similar parenting issues. Thanks.
One or both?
Which is my authentic self?
The woman of the day? Calm, contemplative, reserved, tactful, who edits so as not to offend…
Or is it the goddess in the night? Restless, with a wild spirit, full of fanciful ideals, who’ll post an exposé of her moments of truth…
I find it so peculiar to hide in the bright light of day yet revel in the craziest notions, judgments, and actions when the shadows protect…
My appearance of normalcy.
A Chat with My Old Friends
What’s the harm in trusting that someone loves me? I mean really? Why can’t I do it? Is it the fear that his love will be ripped out from beneath me when I least expect it? Am I terrified that he will change his mind on a whim or when a pretty young thing waltzes by giving him “the look”? Does it have to do with my self-confidence? Or his worthiness of my trust? Is it that I really don’t trust myself or is it that I can’t trust someone else? Let’s ask our buddy Pascal: What are your thoughts?
“Well, if the romantic does not trust her partner and her partner loves her, then she sabotages possible bliss, but if he doesn’t love her, then she dodges a bullet. If the romantic does trust her partner and her partner doesn’t really love her, then she may experience momentary happiness but will soon discover the truth and sorrow will ensue. But, she will get over it. Yet, if she trusts and it turns out that he truly loves her, then their shared love will grow deeper and stronger. And that is not something I would ever want to miss!”
I getcha, it is best to put my money on love! Thanks. But won’t I be made to look silly or be the fool if I openly love him when I’m not sure about his love for me?
“Might I interject, my beloved Arete?” Why yes, Aristotle… It’s so good to hear from you again, gosh, what’s it been? About 2370 years? You haven’t aged a bit! “As I was saying, my beloved, you must put on your crown!” What do you mean? Do you mean think or reason more? “No, no, the crown of Pride: You are a virtuous woman. You could never be the fool when you demonstrate the virtue of self-respect. You must think highly of yourself, you are a queen and should be treated as such.” Oh, yeah. Yeah! I am! Thanks man. And hey, you think when I go to Greece you could give the lowdown on the best local spots for authentic cuisine?
Okay, so the consensus is that it would be better to trust and to uphold my self-respect as being worthy of love! Well, how do I know that he is worthy of my love? I mean, the Bible says not to “give your pearls to swine” so I don’t want to give my adoration to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
“You will know by his character. He will be trustworthy if he follows Me: Is he sincere, honest, reliable? Does he keep his promises? I would never forsake you, does he?” Lord, thank you for leading him.
But people change their minds. What if he changes his mind? “If it is true that he loves you, then heed my wisdom: Love is infinite, eternal. Why is it eternal? It was never born; thus it can never die. Why is it infinite? It has no desires for itself; thus it is present for all beings… let go of yourself and you will be perfectly fulfilled. Open yourself to love, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” Woah, Lao Tzu, dude… You just took it to a whole new level.
“J’aime, donc je suis.” Yes! I totally agree. But Descartes, you realize that not everyone here speaks French. Here, let me translate: I love, therefore I am. Love is what makes us come alive: It is the essence of our existence! “Yes, yes, and you must have complete and utter faith in that love or else life is not worth living.” Soren, do we really need to get that dark? hahaha just kidding. You’re right. You know, if I can’t trust love- it’s process, it’s heart ache, it’s joy, then this claim “to love” is only in vain.
“Hope.” Did you say something Erik? “You must resolve this dispute between trust and mistrust so that you build hope. Do you believe that perhaps your mistrust and fear of abandonment may have to do with your early relationship with your mother?” “No, no, zit is her oral fixation. Zat is vhy she gets zo much gratification vfrom ze tasting and sucking.” Woah woah woah Freud, simmer down man that is some personal shit your telling everyone there. Jeese… Erik, I’m sorry. What were you saying?
“I was just getting to the fact that in order to love, you first must know yourself through a well developed identity, which can only be done in the context of our social relationships; therefore, you must get to know others in order to understand who you are. And so that you can know them enough to determine their level of trustworthiness.” I love you Erik. You always know how to bring it back around. hahaha.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” Ah, thanks Maya.
And thank you to all my old friends, for sharing your wisdom on this issue. Before we go, let me sum it up. So, here’s what I’ve got so far…
I’ve got to know- and exude that I know- my worth! I’ve got to just… Take a leap of faith and trust, maybe not in the person- that will come as love manifests in their character- but, I must trust in love because that is why we exist…. Amen.
Be Love.
To James T., tf, bff
My Love,
I have missed your voice and the way you bring out my smile.
Some say “Time is an illusion,” but I still feel that it had been a while.
You are on your journey and I’m on mine.
But when we meet in dreams and music, I know everything’s gonna be just fine.
At times our paths are dark and our egos take comfort in the night.
But our souls search for more, so don’t be afraid to face the light.
Take my love without cost nor a plan to repay.
Just be filled and overflowing, then practice giving love away.
Thank you for being You because you bring out the best in me.
Forever yours,
Carole K., tf, bff
Telling My Story
I fear my authenticity will have me committed.
Entertainment for Hours
Brought to you by the letter P: Pandora, pen, p.. … potato fries!
Tomorrow is “Manifestation Day” so at 4:44 am and 4:44 pm, on 4/4/in the 4th numerological year and my Personal Year #4… I intend to Manifest some shit into my life! hahahha.
I apologized to my son last night, “I’m sorry.” He sounded confused when he asked, “Why?”
“Because I’m not telekinetic. But I’ll keep working on it!” He burst out with a whole hearted laugh, but he knew I was also slightly kidding, as I have already taught him to expand his qi ball and evaporate clouds. “I just need to figure out how to compose clouds now,” I declared one glorious afternoon as I attempted to trick the molecules into feeling cold so they would huddle together in their misty form.
Living in the 6D and practicing beyond surely is entertainment for hours. One might say that I don’t need anybody because I’m never alone- We’re all connected. Just go within and hop on the One Spirit Express for one hellava ride! But don’t be fooled: I need you.
When I travel, I go to my favorite spot… at the top of the mountain, breathing in the sunlight and the horizon. Then I get to work planning and navigating my internal google for past videos of laying bricks with proper slope for drainage, building the retaining walls, landscaping for water efficiency and natural pest repellants… Phew. Exhausting work. I wipe my brow and take a moment to jive… jam… just dance in the joy that is mine!
Then when the notion comes upon me to seek a conversation in the time and place beyond, I talk. I listen. But not with normal senses- For the fingertips can hear, pulsing to the rhythm as the “world keeps going around.” My mass suddenly drops to allow a new perspective: I feel as though I am a tree and a gust of wind rushed through my upper branches. I taste memories… usually of upstate New York: I’ve never contacted my cousin after having a “taste deja vu” but I should… Maybe it’s her higher self contacting mine- and it’s not just in my own body. And sometimes the sensations are not even mine. But I’ve learned to protect myself from that… except… I let you in.
I talk to myself from a distance, as if my conscience is on “the bench” rapping the gavel to sentence my ego for all her injustices on this poor soul! Then we all go out for a beer. My Higher Power communes without spoken words. Our spirits meet in the wind. We laugh. We cry. He leads me.
Hey, so I read the other day that the research says there’s more pleasure in being touched than in touching… myself. Did I mention that I long for your touch? I performed a twofold experiment: Feeling and being felt… Admit it! We’ve all done it! Right?
Anyhoo… I feel the sensation once on my skin… Then I experience from the perspectives of my fingertips.
Only a slight separation between feel and felt. No pleasure gap. Except when it’s real… Then kundalini rushes up to greet you. My mouth is dry just thinking about it.
Oh… and one last thing: I have decided that I am for sure, without a doubt, a googolplex-onaire’s daughter… Isn’t that the suffix used for the wealthy? So suck it, Larry! [Mic drop].
[Runs back to get the microphone…] “You too, Sergey.”
Alone in this
I just wish that I could talk to you. Especially during this time when I am flailing… grasping for thoughts that drift away too quickly. Your energy is my gravity so maybe if you were near, you’d ground these thoughts so that I could conclude… focus… ascertain this idea… so I look a little less crazy… a little less basic. Because there’s something there… I just know it! Except… you’re not here… so it all flutters away.
To my dearest girls,
Find your tribe! Don’t settle for those who exclude or make you feel unwanted. Dance to the beat of your own heart’s rhythm. If they look at you in a weird way because your moves weren’t choreographed, then look them straight in the eyes and keep dancing. You are a leader with a brilliant imagination and an expansive love for others. Only follow as a way to lead until you reconnect with the one who makes your soul leap: Then follow him, for I will have prayed that he will follow God. Make many friends in diverse places, but know that they will never fill that void within your heart. Instead, practice your breath.. Breathe Love into the void… Exhale the Love through your arms. Remember that “Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.” Go ahead and manifest your dreams, you have been given the power: Accept it. And finally… Never forget that my love is with you always!!!
Love,
Mom
Ch 9: To Each His Own Measure
A new chapter in The Human Experience provides an interpretation of the Book of Ephesians and of our capacity to love: https://thesaltstone.com/thehumanexperience#Measure
thesaltstone 