Yes, it’s lonely.

I don’t think about it too much. I don’t dwell on it like I used to. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t there… under my smile.

Today, I visited “me mum” and did some bodywork on her. She was curious about my technique during each phase and modality. Then I explained my process in Jin Shin, a form that reduces energetic blockages and improves the energetic flow in the meridians:

“Most people don’t feel anything and so they don’t prefer this method. But if you attune to what is happening in your body, you will find that it speaks to you through random thoughts or sensations.” She began to disclose the thoughts and sensations that came up for her.

“Well, how do you know when to move on to the next spot,” she asked.

“Actually, most practitioners don’t even feel anything. Our teacher told others to just move on after a minute. But because I feel so much more, and have the faith that they will synchronize, I am able to stay longer until they do. There are nine levels in the body and I feel four of them… that is why my teachers thought I was so gifted.” [Mind you, I am usually very humble and don’t like to feed the ego, but I always feel like I have to validate my claim to feeling what I feel by stating that “even my teachers” believed me. Yet, with my mom, I was simply reminding her of that time of my life… like, “remember, you know, the class where the teacher thought I was special?”].

“You sure are, so what do you feel?”

“It’s kind of funny. I actually hear with my fingertips. I feel it, but I register it as sound. The body speaks to me. It’s a playful process. Let’s take these two points [holding them on her]. The first one was really jumpy with sharp pulsing. The other one had a slightly fuller pulsation. Now they have both disappeared. They went deeper- to a deeper level.” [After some time] “Here they are. They’ve resurfaced. This time, both have a fuller, more rounded pulsation that is synchronized. That is when I know to move on.”

“What if they don’t synchronize?”

“Well, like this next one, seems to be stuck. I can tell the energy is blocked. I feel the pulsation in the other one still- it is actually quite strong. So I ease off that spot to allow this blocked one to have a voice. Then I encourage it with my thoughts to rise up and speak to me. I use my breath to pull energy from the heavens and earth… Then send it to that point to empower it. There it is… It’s quiet at first, but then both are equally strong and synced.”

“Do you ever get lonely living in a different dimension where most people don’t understand what you experience?” She was sincere in her question, but it was unexpected. Yet, I didn’t have to think about the answer to that one and just smiled and nodded, “yes.”

“Do you have anybody that you can talk to or share this part with?” Again, I just nodded, “no.”

“I do read blogs of others who believe in energies, synchronicities, extraordinary relationships, but I don’t have real people that experience or interact with the world the same way I do.”

Later I drove home and felt the loneliness creak into my soul. I have friends, but they don’t understand or even know about who I really am. And when I do show them this side, they just think I’m eccentric. Nobody really shares this with me. So yeah, this part of me gets really lonely. I don’t mean to sound like I am having this pity party, “Oh bother, lost my tail again.” I just needed to put a voice to this pain before I set it free.

Today, was a harsh reminder how I am an island. But aren’t we all? Until we invite others into our domain- onto our lonely terrain? Welcoming those who row their boat ashore? Please… allow me to give you a tour!

[Before I left, Ani DiFranco came on the Folk station we were playing. I thought, “When I write about this moment, it shall be to Ani DiFranco”…

And so it was.]

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