Missing you. Choose to block it or feel the pain. If I just knew that you felt even a portion of what I feel, then it wouldn’t affect me this way. If I could be confident that you feel what I know you feel then it would ease the struggle. But the distance sings louder than the music we once heard.
It tugs at my core. Pulling my soul down… the band is so taut that if released, well… I don’t know what would happen. The only remedy is my hand in yours. So it continues to pull, yet simultaneously pushing all the emotion up to where my heart bursts with tears. It is an overwhelming sense of emptiness yet fullness in the love I have for you… But you aren’t here to receive it so it builds and builds and wants to burst.
Then there are the times when I fear you’ve lost what we were…. when I fear you no longer love me. This “reality” tells me that none of it is true- that my intuition… and God… lie to me. What I feel becomes so intense that when I fear, I have to block out the love. But when I block it, I have to block you completely. Erase the memory of your touch… of the way you feel like home. It’s just my survival babe. All the love is still there. I’m just too tired and worn out to face it… there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.
But then I pray. And love emerges from under the protective wall. God graces me with the promise that someday you’ll be in my arms again. But for now, I have to remember that although you are not here in the physical, you’ve never left my side. Our bond goes beyond the confines of this plane. You are with me and I am with you. Even still.