On these pages, I will share those innermost struggles of faith. Often we are driven to believe the unseen “truths” presented to us; although, they most often than not seem like impossibilities, thus making rational people feel delusional. It’s a difficult feeling to know “what you’re asking of me” is crazy or a long-shot, knowing that the possibility exists that I am the one that is crazy- not acting on faith- but believing in delusions created in my own mind. Faith demands belief in the unseen. Down the rabbit hole I go….
I’m afraid to read the Bible. I’m afraid to cleanse. I’m afraid of the clarity those bring. In times of clarity what “should be” doesn’t match with “what is.” Each time I walk in line with the Word and in harmony with His teachings, I’m brought back to the Tao: I’m reminded of my yang. Hopelessness and utter panic rip at my heart as it did the first day of loss. I’ve ignored the feelings. I’ve justified the pain. I’ve accepted the loss. But then living in faith brings me back. I begin to feel delusional because this world clearly proposes different terms to my happiness. I guess that’s my anchor point to reality…. Yet still… I’d rather live with the slightest tidbit of hope than potentially block the Tao.
This Land Is Your Land, This Land Is My Land, But I Lost My Soul Deep Inside.
I’d rather be free to enjoy my country and its inconspicuous beauty than be a citizen of another country. I have an unwavering love for my country. Without your love, I’m lonely deep inside. I’ve been from coast to coast… Sea to shining sea. I’ve been through the mountains and basked in the desert sun. Take my hand. You’ll never find another quite like it. Walk with me. Explore and unlock the possibilities of what this country has hidden. Don’t just dip your toes in…. Let us sink the whole of our self into the muddy waters… the yin that is black and cold. Transform our self in the white bright hot springs… the yang. Step into the whirlwind. Let go. When I’m overwhelmed with this country’s beauty and the memories that I hold… when I just can’t breathe from desperate longing for more. Let go. What’s the worst that could happen? I just might die… to self. Realizing that the only way I’ll ever truly live in this country is to be One Patriot under God indivisible from the memories of time. If I never get a chance to see this country in its magnificence again, I’ll be torn apart. I’d see that I’M the lonely one… I find comfort in the idea that I am One with the land. With Tao. Then, I can never be lonely.
I am grateful to have known this land…
Recently, I’ve been exploring what it would mean for an adult to be “fun.” First I ask, “When have I had fun?” Initially, I recall my social anxiety over small talk at large parties or the uptight attitudes over trivial things in relationships or the complete exhaustion I experience while rearing three children. Okay, I admit, I have not been fun lately.
“Did I ever have fun?” In my teens and twenties, I had been the center and life of the party or conversation, the girl flirting from across the room, the first on the dance floor to motivate the shy and hesitant to let loose, the SoCal blond running out to spin in the Ohio rain, the giddy stoner watching ants marching, and the over-the-moon-in-love gal who would laugh so hard with the man I loved that I didn’t care if I’d peed just a little. That chic seems fun, right? But… I remember those times as fun things that I did or was a part of; ultimately, denying my self the reward of being coined a “fun” person. I hadn’t felt that I earned it by simply doing those things. I was missing something….. In a moment of sharing with my ex, I realized that I wasn’t considering the aspect of deep joy while having fun. I couldn’t truly say that I was fun unless the memory included an inner and outward unencumbered smile. Fun for the sake of doing is meaningless without a smile lighting up the room.
“What was it about those moments that connected me with my inner bliss?” In those moments, I wasn’t thinking and worrying about bills, finding love, being a good daughter or a righteous Christian. I just lived fully without hesitation. Joy is freedom. In those moments, I was witty and confident. I was able to share who I am! Joy is authentic expression. In those moments, I was a part of something bigger masked as spurts of intimacy. I was tethered to love. Joy is a soulful connection.
“How do I continue to be a fun person with all the stresses of life weighing me down?”