You’re Not Alone

Would it be vile- in this new age- to get close enough to put my arms around you?

Or should I ignore your suffering by staying six-feet apart- I’m not sure what to do.

I feel your heart breaking and the fear coursing through each vein.

You may lose the one you love but no one seems to hear your pain.

My heart is hanging by its last thread of this sleeve, for someone I never knew.

Dear Stranger, You’re not alone.

Would you have time- perhaps just a moment- to find the root… for me to pick your brain?

It’s not called burnout but is compassion fatigue when you keep going and try not to complain.

You’re hungry, exhausted, over-worked, and over-burdened, and on deaf-ears you collectively plead.

The Man doesn’t hear, but He who sent us does! Let’s create a plan to care for you lest my heart continues to bleed.

The scales are tipped in your favor so the world can see the system is flawed: These conditions are inhumane.

My Weary Caregiver, You’re not alone.

Would knowing my status or forcing my hand ease your mind even if we disagreed?

Risk is a necessary evil when taking a stand or holding strong to your creed.

The trickster has caught us in a trap to swing left or right…to be a passive or passionate civilian?

Our health, our freedom, our lives… at risk without trust or knowing the real villain.

Yet we can still do what’s right by letting our God-given knowledge and intuition be the lead.

To my Uncertain Friend, You’re not alone.

Would protection for our children mean we give up our rights… is that really worth a bribe of 15 billion?

Protection from what or by whom? We’ve already seen the destruction by lost lives over 4.5 million.

These children are caught in the middle while we’re fighting over an unknown agenda that’s either political or moral.

We just want their lives to be full, free, connected, and for them to develop in a way that used to be normal.

But then I remember that no man can take their freedom: The war is already won! Hate- 0; Love- googillion.

Oh Papa- and Mama-Bears, You’re not alone.

None of us are alone in the pain, struggle, and uncertainty.

We just have to let someone in to share the burden and prove that Love wins!

Enjoy Simplicity

Nearing 20 years ago, a love once taught me to “Create the capacity to enjoy simplicity.” His words still ring in my ears as a grand symphony peaking to leave me with yet another ah-ha moment. Last week, I was reading Ezekiel 33-35 and it occurred to me that we must still be the watchmen for God’s call. Throughout this pandemic, we’ve been preoccupied with self-preservation, political turmoil, and destructive divisions of family, that we have forgotten to listen for the symphony in life: Create the capacity to enjoy simplicity. I wondered how I – one person- might promote change or give the cry. I spoke with my spiritual comrade (my mother), just trying to voice my concerns with this task. I shy away from public ministry because it is often misconstrued as shoving beliefs down one’s throat or shaming them rather than sharing the Good News. Therefore, my ministry has been through modeled behaviors, attitudes about life, and my writings. I sat with the idea of how I could live up to God’s call yet it was right in front of me the whole time. Pen-to-paper, fingers-to-keyboard, HE has been speaking through me so all I have to do is write.

Create the capacity to enjoy simplicity. We all know the adage, “The glass is either half empty or half full.” I’ve never been comfortable in limiting myself to those two options. I choose to see the glass as partly filled with water- a source of life itself- but it is also filled to the brim with the empty space necessary for the spirit to reside…. after all, it is both the living water and the spirit that gives us our power. My cup is not half of anything…. it overflows!

In the past, I had struggled with the concept of lack vs. abundance. We grew up very poor and so there was this need for conservation of resources. Even though my mother really did an amazing job at modeling her relationship with God so that we lived with all that we needed, we still grew up with the lack mentality. We had “just enough” but- except spiritually- we weren’t living in abundance. I’m not complaining, just stating observations. I suspect that we all had become comfortable in the “limited resources” or “doing without.” Over the past five years, I have consciously been breaking the cycle of lack. I do not want to be more comfortable living paycheck-to-paycheck or without “quality time.”

Side-note:

When I say “comfortable,” I don’t mean that one feels happier in a lack situation. I mean that abundance is such a foreign feeling that we revert to having little or sabotaging success so that we get back to a place of familiarity.

How have I broken the cycle?

First, it is important to recognize the gift of emptiness because this enables us to want to fill that reservoir. Material or superficial things get swallowed up by the void and are a short-lived space-fillers. The spirit of pure Love is the only long-lasting energy that can sustain residence within emptiness. I have allowed the spirit to fill my cup to the brim, nay, I have invited the spirit to fill my cup so that it spills over… and I demonstrate gratitude for these blessings.

What is the difference between “to the brim” and overflowing?

When our cup is filled, our needs are met and we also have a bit extra for the fun parts of life. The fun parts might be family vacations, fine dining with friends, or other activities that could be considered self-care. When our cup is overflowing, we have the ability and the priority (via our connection with the spirit of Love) to reach out and help humanity. We aren’t thinking of ourselves, our time constraints, or our financial “lack,” but are trusting that we have more than enough! This generosity is led by the spirit: It is Christ and God inspiring us to make a connection with humanity whether it be through compassion, time, or money. It is living in the realm of abundance. It is this breath of life- or breath of Love- that leads us to fulfill our mission:

Help others find The Way to create the capacity to enjoy simplicity!

What Dreams Tell Us

I had a surprising yet quite erotic dream of someone whom I am no longer in contact. Let’s just say I woke up very satisfied!

Because I was a bit startled by the dream, I looked to my higher self… and the internet… for answers.

Dreams are peculiar things. They expose our subconscious thoughts and help us organize all the chaos in our lives. He and I talked about how funny it was that after physical intimacy, our inhibitions were out the window and we could truly be our authentic selves: It’s a beautiful place to share with someone.

I was led to a passage that read: Our “person” may want to tell us something that is difficult and so they reach us in our dreams or in the 5D. If this is true, then I beat him to the punch in the dream. Was he going to tell me about his gorgeous baby girl? His dream come true? Perhaps. Yet, in the dream, before we started our adventure, I stopped… looked at him straight in the eyes and gave my sincerest congratulations for his baby girl! I felt the fearful energy or anxiety dissipate and we continued in pure passion and a desire to please each other rather than the anticipation of sharing that news.

That wasn’t the only part, just his part. My part was about the anxieties and self-consciousness around the “messiness” of my life right now. My energy is spread so thin that I struggle in self-care and keeping ahead of the messes that my children make around my house. I worry that no one will take a chance to love me (for a variety of reasons) yet love is my mission. In the dream, I worried about what he would think about the house, about me… but nothing phased him. He accepted me just as I am. He knew that I needed that more than anything.

Gratitude for the Man and the Journey: From “Mirrors”

I will forever be grateful and hold you in high regard.

You mirrored my soul’s fears and faults and left my heart jarred.

But without your love to expose my vulnerability

I would not have fought so hard to taste sweet tranquility.

I’ve learned to love deeper without attachment or expecting more

To appreciate God’s gifts, life’s challenges, and the blessings in store.

So thank you, THANK YOU, for helping me to see

That we’re all connected, joy comes from within, and that love is free.

Be Still to Escape

I want to know your dark side.

Let me in!

Not so I can change you… That’s the last thing I mean to do.

Just let me in!!

To quietly sit next to you in the quicksand of your thoughts.

Let me sit in stillness… with silence… while you flail and kick and scream and struggle to get out of the traps you’ve set for yourself.

Let my presence in love reassure you that you are never alone.

That no matter how low you sink and how covered you are in muck…

Hope still exists!

Fighting only makes it worse… so let go.

You have to quiet your mind.

Let go of the struggle…

So that you can focus on the mustard seed lost in the millions of granules of shame, defeat, selfishness, and self-destruction.

When you are still, you’ll find that- somehow, someway- hope becomes magnified.

Let me send my love to lighten your way…

So you can finally see and claim what has been yours all along.

So that together, we can be free.

Legacy of Love

When I can’t be with you anymore, will you hold my frail but soft hand?

When I’m scared because I don’t recognize this cold place, will you sing me my favorite songs?

When I forget you, will you remember all I taught you?

When I run out the door, will you take me back in to put on my pants?

When I get angry and snap at you because I’m ashamed for losing control, will you playfully give me shit for forgetting that I love you!

When the tears fill my eyes because I know that you’re losing me, please just pretend you don’t notice so I can be in denial just one more day.

Take me with you when I am gone.

Debrief

With Alzheimer’s disease, the symptoms progressively worsen. I wrote this piece so that time is going backward with more and more opportunities to make memories and share your wisdom.

Today I read my dad’s birth certificate… It stated that his mother- who later had Alzheimer’s disease- had 3 children already when he was born, but six- yes 6!! who were born but died, it made me wonder if trauma and dementia are linked… Sure enough, there is a higher risk for dementia after trauma, especially childhood trauma.

I always thought Gram got it because there was a life of abuse that she wanted to forget. But now I see more events she may not want to remember. You can’t tell me that losing 6 of your full term fetuses or young children doesn’t rip out your soul… no? Oh no? It doesn’t? Well then you my friend… Go feed yourself to an elephant ’cause you’re nuts!

Even if it was “the norm.”

So… long story short… 1) It runs in my family. 2) Childhood trauma with undiagnosed PTSD. 3) A past of repetitive negative thinking. 4) I’m a woman.

My risk is high….

I better write down what I know about life so that those I love can remember me #LeaveALegacy

Hello, Joy

Pushing 40 in a dry spell. Supposed to be in my prime. I’m a mom of perfectly imperfect loving souls. I’m the good cop and the bad guy. I’m the grey gal sneaking out at night. Put your hand on mine and hold me. ‘Cause I feel so alone some of the time. Heaviness. Makes it so hard to breathe.

Where has my Joy gone? She left me years ago. I wonder what she’s doing now. I heard from a mutual friend that she’s still in town, but she doesn’t come around… too often anymore. Maybe it’s because… around me… she can’t breathe.

Who am I? The me that is… pre- or post- orgasm? Are they the same woman? If I don’t cum can I show you who I am? I knew it was over when you didn’t kiss me. But I couldn’t kiss you either. I had to win. So our lips only slid across the surface. As if calling, “Who’s gonna go the last 10%?” Neither of us could do it. My heart stopped and I could barely breathe.

They can’t hold me back. They’ve not got the right. My faith is greater than their degradation. I’m being seasoned… put on fire. Seek those who lift us up. Step out of comfort and into the light. Surround ourselves with love. Clear up the present from a murky past. Take a breath of fresh air. Smile. As you open the door, “Hello, Joy.”

What I’ve Realized About Love: From My Heart to Yours.

Leave the Vision to the Divine Feminine. Let her spirit be light and whimsical. You, Divine Masculine are the protect her… protector of this Sacred Union. You trust me, the grace-filled goddess to dream up and manifest a life together of beauty, charity, and peace. I trust you, the mighty warrior, to defend the boundaries of our love. No foe shall surmount these walls, our faultless fortress buckles our enemies at the knees. First we Ascend then we Expand our love throughout the world!

Clarify Before You Testify

I crave simplicity. When I think of my “dream life,” I am free. Free to roam in the woods and follow a river- not following the designated path. We’ve- yes, we’ve- got music to soothe our aches and pains. And laughter to bring humanity closer. (Lynyrd Skynyrd: Simple Man). My poised yet contemplative stance equipped to spit poetic epiphany-evoking proverbs. Are we angels or have we found extra favor in God’s eyes? (Dave Matthews Band: Crush).

The animals follow- not my dominance- but my energy. (Blind Melon: No Rain). They want to join in with the joyous Jubilee. After 6000 years, we finally unite to end our self destruction and bring the purity in our stewardship back to this dying garden.

How many people have truly smiled today? For no other reason except that life is a beautifully complicated mix of musical tones and notes splattered in perfect rhythm across the scales of emotions: I just ♮ FADE# into happiness. (Dave Matthews Band: Satellite and #41).

When I was a kid, my secret spot to get away from everyone was up the chicken coop to the hay loft of an old abandoned barn. Or hiding in the dark closet atop a pile of clothes so that I could think. (Chris Cornell: Nothing Compares to You). But when I’m with you, I don’t have to hide.

Obligation can either rob you of your happiness by adding depth to the masks we wear to protect our fragile egos (DMB: All Along the Watchtower) or the perceptions of obligations might transform to an erotic blessing between friends. Own me if you dare to tame the seas and call out my name as being yours. (DMB: Say Goodbye). Take off your masks. Breathe me in. Come home. (Counting Crows: Round Here).

We’re already here! We are free. Laughter abounds and love is possible. Walls have been torn down and masks have been removed. Creatures linger at my feet and lounge in my lap. And my words… my words reach…. who they need to in the moment. Simplicity is here. And it feels amazing! (DMB: The Space Between).

Another Saturday Night

I want a man who can get loose and dance like we know how- acting out the scenes from each song: Piano Man makes me feel at least three inches taller pre-ballet performance that turns out to have the perfect ending. What’s Going On!!! Belted in exasperation and humor… He’s gotta be right there with me gorging on late night mac-n-cheese and putting cilantro on anything and everything. I’m not ashamed to squirt mustard in my mouth- straight outta the bottle. Will Freddy Mercury’s pain and genius make both of us cry? Or will he snicker and lovingly poke fun at my sensitivity?

Then the ultimate- stuffing my face alone- song comes on… “Forever’s gonna start tonight. Now I’m only falling apart: Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Love of my life, hurry back, hurry back… don’t take it away from me because you don’t know what it means to me.

But as the final crescendos peak, the eclipse that blacked out my heart relents to show the first streaks of new light. I confidently march over to the stove, grab the kettle and fork, and say “I’m going to eat this mac-n-cheese as a strong, intelligent, and beautiful woman!!!” My head held high.

My goddess Crone remembers that I am a Nothingman. Burn. Burn. I took a trip through the concerts of the last half of the 20th century, discovering that music exposes our deepest yearnings, regrets, blessings and hurt. Is the love I gave [him] in the past, gonna be enough love to last, if tomorrow never comes? He who forgets will be destined to remember. [He] was [my] love. [I] was his queen and now a thousand years between. If I’d only known how the king would fall, Hey who’s to say, you know I might have changed it all… I could’ve missed the pain…

But I’d have had to miss the dance. And I want him to rock my gypsy soul.