The Light

It’s been a very long time since I have been inspired to write. Perhaps it was the pressures of school or the lack of social intrigue. Yet here I am again with thoughts in my head spinning like a whirlpool hungry to swallow pieces of emotional debris that is hoping to escape onto the page so that my heart-mind connection can resume its peaceful flow.

My omission was not of ill-intent but an attempt to avoid diving into the subject before I was able to process my internal experience. The words spoken: “God gave me permission to leave and told me to go home to my parents…” The words unspoken: “He also told me to Remember My Mirrors.”

Mirrors, mirrors, what are my mirrors! This term haunts me. When it was warped, it morphed the shape of my identity. When it was broken, it sliced my soul. Yet, I could still see myself clearly beneath the wounds… I could still see specks of who I truly am within them. “Remember my mirrors.” HA! Yes, mirrors have been overcoming and seeing my strength, but they’ve also been deep pain. Because they’ve been the reflection of my darkest parts for so long, I began to assume that was their only role: To expose my “stuckness” and to force me to face my demons. I am grateful for those mirrors. I love who I am, but I have been challenged to shift my experience of what it means to remember my mirrors.

I stand before this mirror with hope, with faith unseen. I dance in front of this mirror without shame. I make silly faces and see it making them back at me. I don’t have to search for the real me through shards or bumps in its surface. But the point is… I can see. The rawness. The nakedness. The hesitation but assurance. The peaceful excitement. The sameness in our differences. The freedom in control. Joy.

This is a different mirror than anything I’ve seen. But I know exactly why…

A spotlight shines on its wholeness.

… That your joy may be full. He is the light and in Him is no darkness…. (1 John 1)

“And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them” (Isaiah 42).

I have spent years looking into broken mirrors. I hadn’t known the purity of my reflection because I was standing in the dark.

“But the path of the just is as a shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.” “Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: Love her, and she shall keep thee… Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: She shall bring thee to honour, when thou dost embrace her. She shall give to thine head an ornament of grace: A crown of glory shall she deliver to thee… Take fast hold of instruction; let her not go: Keep her, for she is thy life.” (Proverbs 4).

I had been given the opportunity to selfishly examine my values and identity in those mirrors of the past. But with the light I see that I have been given the gift and honor is being a different kind of reflection of another… of a God-fearing man who has the capacity to wear his heart on his sleeve and the courage to shine.

Amen.

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Continue to Love

Perhaps love is only meant for a season. People come into our lives for many a reason but we don’t often know at hand, we just have to trust God’s plan. Dreams are birthed when our feet faulter off the path, turning to hope rather than wrath. They catch our hearts to pull us back to the Way, of finding a love that will stay.

So let’s make a pact… that we won’t take love away when our bodies are gone, but will transform love to a different kind of bond. So that we will not be the cause of the void in someone else’s soul, but will be the reason someone else still feels whole.

Vulnerability is a Need

Women rise to the occasion when we see what needs to be done, and we put ourselves in the position to be it all… the everything to everyone…. I am… the mechanic, the chef. I am the teacher, the banker and financial advisor. Mark me as the lover, the mother, your best friend and your greatest foe.

But at the end of the day, after I tuck the kids in bed, finish washing the dishes, fold the laundry, and feed the dog, I just want to rest my weary head.

I want to be….

Held by protective arms that could combat the worries away.

Free from the terror that my grays might make him stray.

Kissed softly but thrown on the bedtop.

Seen as “sexy enough” that he doesn’t want to stop.

Thanked for the job I’ve done in holding the world together.

Told that I am loved deeply and that my love has made him better.

Let me tell you… these are the things a woman needs. A simple list to end her day. To feel a little less alone. To give her strength to do it all again tomorrow.

You’re Not Alone

Would it be vile- in this new age- to get close enough to put my arms around you?

Or should I ignore your suffering by staying six-feet apart- I’m not sure what to do.

I feel your heart breaking and the fear coursing through each vein.

You may lose the one you love but no one seems to hear your pain.

My heart is hanging by its last thread of this sleeve, for someone I never knew.

Dear Stranger, You’re not alone.

Would you have time- perhaps just a moment- to find the root… for me to pick your brain?

It’s not called burnout but is compassion fatigue when you keep going and try not to complain.

You’re hungry, exhausted, over-worked, and over-burdened, and on deaf-ears you collectively plead.

The Man doesn’t hear, but He who sent us does! Let’s create a plan to care for you lest my heart continues to bleed.

The scales are tipped in your favor so the world can see the system is flawed: These conditions are inhumane.

My Weary Caregiver, You’re not alone.

Would knowing my status or forcing my hand ease your mind even if we disagreed?

Risk is a necessary evil when taking a stand or holding strong to your creed.

The trickster has caught us in a trap to swing left or right…to be a passive or passionate civilian?

Our health, our freedom, our lives… at risk without trust or knowing the real villain.

Yet we can still do what’s right by letting our God-given knowledge and intuition be the lead.

To my Uncertain Friend, You’re not alone.

Would protection for our children mean we give up our rights… is that really worth a bribe of 15 billion?

Protection from what or by whom? We’ve already seen the destruction by lost lives over 4.5 million.

These children are caught in the middle while we’re fighting over an unknown agenda that’s either political or moral.

We just want their lives to be full, free, connected, and for them to develop in a way that used to be normal.

But then I remember that no man can take their freedom: The war is already won! Hate- 0; Love- googillion.

Oh Papa- and Mama-Bears, You’re not alone.

None of us are alone in the pain, struggle, and uncertainty.

We just have to let someone in to share the burden and prove that Love wins!

Enjoy Simplicity

Nearing 20 years ago, a love once taught me to “Create the capacity to enjoy simplicity.” His words still ring in my ears as a grand symphony peaking to leave me with yet another ah-ha moment. Last week, I was reading Ezekiel 33-35 and it occurred to me that we must still be the watchmen for God’s call. Throughout this pandemic, we’ve been preoccupied with self-preservation, political turmoil, and destructive divisions of family, that we have forgotten to listen for the symphony in life: Create the capacity to enjoy simplicity. I wondered how I – one person- might promote change or give the cry. I spoke with my spiritual comrade (my mother), just trying to voice my concerns with this task. I shy away from public ministry because it is often misconstrued as shoving beliefs down one’s throat or shaming them rather than sharing the Good News. Therefore, my ministry has been through modeled behaviors, attitudes about life, and my writings. I sat with the idea of how I could live up to God’s call yet it was right in front of me the whole time. Pen-to-paper, fingers-to-keyboard, HE has been speaking through me so all I have to do is write.

Create the capacity to enjoy simplicity. We all know the adage, “The glass is either half empty or half full.” I’ve never been comfortable in limiting myself to those two options. I choose to see the glass as partly filled with water- a source of life itself- but it is also filled to the brim with the empty space necessary for the spirit to reside…. after all, it is both the living water and the spirit that gives us our power. My cup is not half of anything…. it overflows!

In the past, I had struggled with the concept of lack vs. abundance. We grew up very poor and so there was this need for conservation of resources. Even though my mother really did an amazing job at modeling her relationship with God so that we lived with all that we needed, we still grew up with the lack mentality. We had “just enough” but- except spiritually- we weren’t living in abundance. I’m not complaining, just stating observations. I suspect that we all had become comfortable in the “limited resources” or “doing without.” Over the past five years, I have consciously been breaking the cycle of lack. I do not want to be more comfortable living paycheck-to-paycheck or without “quality time.”

Side-note:

When I say “comfortable,” I don’t mean that one feels happier in a lack situation. I mean that abundance is such a foreign feeling that we revert to having little or sabotaging success so that we get back to a place of familiarity.

How have I broken the cycle?

First, it is important to recognize the gift of emptiness because this enables us to want to fill that reservoir. Material or superficial things get swallowed up by the void and are a short-lived space-fillers. The spirit of pure Love is the only long-lasting energy that can sustain residence within emptiness. I have allowed the spirit to fill my cup to the brim, nay, I have invited the spirit to fill my cup so that it spills over… and I demonstrate gratitude for these blessings.

What is the difference between “to the brim” and overflowing?

When our cup is filled, our needs are met and we also have a bit extra for the fun parts of life. The fun parts might be family vacations, fine dining with friends, or other activities that could be considered self-care. When our cup is overflowing, we have the ability and the priority (via our connection with the spirit of Love) to reach out and help humanity. We aren’t thinking of ourselves, our time constraints, or our financial “lack,” but are trusting that we have more than enough! This generosity is led by the spirit: It is Christ and God inspiring us to make a connection with humanity whether it be through compassion, time, or money. It is living in the realm of abundance. It is this breath of life- or breath of Love- that leads us to fulfill our mission:

Help others find The Way to create the capacity to enjoy simplicity!

What Dreams Tell Us

I had a surprising yet quite erotic dream of someone whom I am no longer in contact. Let’s just say I woke up very satisfied!

Because I was a bit startled by the dream, I looked to my higher self… and the internet… for answers.

Dreams are peculiar things. They expose our subconscious thoughts and help us organize all the chaos in our lives. He and I talked about how funny it was that after physical intimacy, our inhibitions were out the window and we could truly be our authentic selves: It’s a beautiful place to share with someone.

I was led to a passage that read: Our “person” may want to tell us something that is difficult and so they reach us in our dreams or in the 5D. If this is true, then I beat him to the punch in the dream. Was he going to tell me about his gorgeous baby girl? His dream come true? Perhaps. Yet, in the dream, before we started our adventure, I stopped… looked at him straight in the eyes and gave my sincerest congratulations for his baby girl! I felt the fearful energy or anxiety dissipate and we continued in pure passion and a desire to please each other rather than the anticipation of sharing that news.

That wasn’t the only part, just his part. My part was about the anxieties and self-consciousness around the “messiness” of my life right now. My energy is spread so thin that I struggle in self-care and keeping ahead of the messes that my children make around my house. I worry that no one will take a chance to love me (for a variety of reasons) yet love is my mission. In the dream, I worried about what he would think about the house, about me… but nothing phased him. He accepted me just as I am. He knew that I needed that more than anything.

Gratitude for the Man and the Journey: From “Mirrors”

I will forever be grateful and hold you in high regard.

You mirrored my soul’s fears and faults and left my heart jarred.

But without your love to expose my vulnerability

I would not have fought so hard to taste sweet tranquility.

I’ve learned to love deeper without attachment or expecting more

To appreciate God’s gifts, life’s challenges, and the blessings in store.

So thank you, THANK YOU, for helping me to see

That we’re all connected, joy comes from within, and that love is free.

Be Still to Escape

I want to know your dark side.

Let me in!

Not so I can change you… That’s the last thing I mean to do.

Just let me in!!

To quietly sit next to you in the quicksand of your thoughts.

Let me sit in stillness… with silence… while you flail and kick and scream and struggle to get out of the traps you’ve set for yourself.

Let my presence in love reassure you that you are never alone.

That no matter how low you sink and how covered you are in muck…

Hope still exists!

Fighting only makes it worse… so let go.

You have to quiet your mind.

Let go of the struggle…

So that you can focus on the mustard seed lost in the millions of granules of shame, defeat, selfishness, and self-destruction.

When you are still, you’ll find that- somehow, someway- hope becomes magnified.

Let me send my love to lighten your way…

So you can finally see and claim what has been yours all along.

So that together, we can be free.

Legacy of Love

When I can’t be with you anymore, will you hold my frail but soft hand?

When I’m scared because I don’t recognize this cold place, will you sing me my favorite songs?

When I forget you, will you remember all I taught you?

When I run out the door, will you take me back in to put on my pants?

When I get angry and snap at you because I’m ashamed for losing control, will you playfully give me shit for forgetting that I love you!

When the tears fill my eyes because I know that you’re losing me, please just pretend you don’t notice so I can be in denial just one more day.

Take me with you when I am gone.

Debrief

With Alzheimer’s disease, the symptoms progressively worsen. I wrote this piece so that time is going backward with more and more opportunities to make memories and share your wisdom.

Today I read my dad’s birth certificate… It stated that his mother- who later had Alzheimer’s disease- had 3 children already when he was born, but six- yes 6!! who were born but died, it made me wonder if trauma and dementia are linked… Sure enough, there is a higher risk for dementia after trauma, especially childhood trauma.

I always thought Gram got it because there was a life of abuse that she wanted to forget. But now I see more events she may not want to remember. You can’t tell me that losing 6 of your full term fetuses or young children doesn’t rip out your soul… no? Oh no? It doesn’t? Well then you my friend… Go feed yourself to an elephant ’cause you’re nuts!

Even if it was “the norm.”

So… long story short… 1) It runs in my family. 2) Childhood trauma with undiagnosed PTSD. 3) A past of repetitive negative thinking. 4) I’m a woman.

My risk is high….

I better write down what I know about life so that those I love can remember me #LeaveALegacy