On this page, I journal the thoughts, action plans, dilemmas, and hopes related to my vision: A Biblical wellness center that enables people to find respite for their body, mind, and soul. (Start at the bottom of the page… The most recent post is at the top).

Living with Delays

I haven’t written about this project in quite some time. After that property fell through, I’ve questioned everything I want. Well, not everything, the dream is intact, the desires are flaring, but the specifics… There is an ebb and flow among the specifics.

Trailer or Tiny House: The trailer will be for adventures and housing on site while the tiny house is built. Yet, do I want a tiny get-up-and-go type or one with more comforts and a larger kitchen area? Do I really want to spend time in a 16-footer with three growing children? But children grow, then I will be left with a big trailer. However, I can always rent it as a vacation rental if needed. Can I even tow a 30-foot trailer? What if I get stuck somewhere because I can’t maneuver it? Will they teach me how to drive it? Do I really want to make the bed each day back into the sitting area or should I get one with a separate bedroom?

As I write these challenges, I am almost disgusted because these are such White privilege, first world, trivial issues. But then, I think, society has conditioned us to feel that way… I work hard to get where I am at. Why must I constantly be made to feel bad about success?

I have made great efforts to ensure that my relationship with God and Christ are thriving. I accept my inheritance and gifts. This is available to anyone of any race or SES: This is a level playing field- We all have access to the Father’s wealth, success, happiness, and Love.

So I won’t feel bad about expressing my struggles as I work toward my dreams. We are only held back by our own disbelief.

Property: I keep looking but can never find what feels right. I look in areas close by but there are always reasons not to buy. I look farther away but must be mindful of distance as I am caretaker for my mom’s house and the only family left near my brother. The kids want to stay here as a home-base so I must consider that with the cost and location.

Yet again, I’m brought back to God. Uncertainty abounds because I know I’m not ready. When I am ready, God will provide the perfect place at the perfect price with no doubts in my heart.

Visionary or Vicissitude

February 2020

I was startled to see that “my property” had reappeared on the market… at $20,000 cheaper than its previous posting. My heart sank: Surely someone would scoop it up at that price!! I thought, “Lord, are you testing my faith?” He knows that I only have $17,000 saved for the parcel and my debts aren’t paid off enough for anyone to give me a loan! “Lord, what if….”

The ABCs of Prayer- Ask, Believe, Claim- have been practiced for years and I truly believe that God led me to that property… When I went off to find another, He led me back again and again and sent those synchronicities saying to keep my faith on it. It has potential! Even if no one else but me sees that…. Did the plan change and I just don’t know it yet?

Then I remembered what I had read earlier in the week: The story of how the Seventh-Day Adventists, mainly Ellen G. White, acquired the Loma Linda property for its medical offices and college campus. See, after discussing some of the predictions that came true (e.g., 911 terror attack, black hole in Orion, cancer as a virus, etc.), I was curious if it would explain why after having visions of a large earthquake along the San Andreas Fault, she would purchase property along the fault line! I never found my answer to that question, but… God gave EGW visions, one being the landscape and terrain of a property near Riverside. At first the parcel was a bit overpriced, but “somehow” the price dropped and funds were “coincidentally” made available for the purchase of land. When she saw it, she knew it was the same landscape and terrain from her vision! God’s hand was at work because He knew this plan would bear a great basket of fruit in His name.

I am not saying that I have full-on stop breathing for 3 hour visions like EGW, but I do “listen” when God speaks to me. Is His hand at work to lower the price? What is going on behind the scenes to which I am not privy? Is He indicating that I am dragging my feet in this matter? “Lord, the plan was… for my 40th birthday, I would buy that land! I still have a year and 3 months! With all due respect, please don’t rush me.”

As If It’s Already Mine

December 2019

I took my mom and two daughters to walk the property… Just to keep the dream alive. It is so beautiful out there! The girls took- very shaky- video expressing their excitement of “our new property.”

I’m a little superstitious about New Year’s Eve: I believe the way you “bring in the new year” sets the energetic tone for the rest of the year. Therefore, I made a point to fill my day and evening with friends, family, dreams, self-nurturing, music, writing, and empowerment- In that order. This year will be balanced, abundant, and grounded in love.

The Call of Patience

November 2019

It has been a while since I journaled about the dream.  The all-consuming graduate program, single parenting, full-time career, and respite with friends and family have been in working order: A smooth running machine.  However, planning a summer trip to Durango for my mom’s wedding has sparked the anxiety.  Will I ever get out of this financial rut?  Not only am I not getting paid in July this summer, I won’t get paid in June either!  It has taken me three months to financially recover from last July, how long will it take to recover from two months?  Okay, so I am being a little misleading… When I say I don’t get paid, it is because they took my 12-month salary and divided it into 10 months.  I get a little extra each month, but that difference only makes it so I am not constantly putting food and gas on a credit card to “make it.”  I hate to complain because I am extremely blessed.  This is what I must remember:  Instead of paying off a credit card, I will be adding thousands of dollars each quarter to attend graduate school.  So, what the hell am I complaining about?  I CHOSE to go further into debt because I am living my dream!  Instead of complaining and stressing about finances half a year away, I must show gratitude for the Lord who has given me opportunities and opened doors and has provided my needs in abundance!  He has never let me down.  He has never let me or my children go hungry.  His LOVE has destroyed $35000 in debt over a two year period.  His LOVE will continue to destroy what is left on “my mountain of debt” (i.e., literally, I made a construction paper mountain on my wall with His love- lightning- striking boulders of debt.  His love- rain- fills the well of my dreams and the winds of change are sure to bring an adventure!).  Thank you Lord.

“Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest.” Joshua 1:9

Follow His Lead

August 2019

I’m reminded of God’s voice nearly four years ago: “Leave your husband.  Go home to your parents.  Be mindful of your mirror.”  These were his first words… One’s I heeded and followed.  Blessings ensued… My children and I have found a safe happiness.  I was gifted with spending quality time with my father in his final years with us.  Had I not listened, I would not have been able to express my love to him and give him a great big hug the night before he died.  I never would have made it through my divorce without the mirror in my life showing me the pain I felt when I was treated the ways I was tempted to treat my ex.  Rather, I was able to give him empathy, compassion, and forgiveness. 

Before I left WA, God told me one more thing: Valley Center. I thought I ruined my chance to be blessed because I did not listen.  When I first moved back, I had a job opportunity in their district.  We even looked at renting a house in that town.  But something blocked me from following through to get the job.  There was also push back on the house.  It had all been lined up for me to make a smooth transition back to CA, but I turned my back on it.  Why?  I had followed every other directive that God gave me.  Why didn’t I follow that one?  After that, I felt cursed on the job front.  I attended interview after interview with no avail.  Then… I was finally offered a position at a non-public school close to home.  It offered a decent salary, benefits, and was a place where my expertise could shine through.  A day or two before I went to sign the contract, my ex and I were in an upswing or collaborative period in our “co-parenting” attempt.  He wanted to support me and the kids while I continued to home school them.  Therefore, I declined the offer and started researching a reputable home-schooling program like the one we attended in WA (side note: It’s funny… It all comes full circle.  I now work for that charter school. Hahaha).  But… Shortly after, his true colors again shown through and I decided that we needed to separate ourselves from his emotional abuse.  He would not retain a financial power over me either. He eventually was told that he is not welcome in our home because I must have a safe place for the kids. Needless to say, I was again without any employment prospects. 

I searched with no luck.  “Lord, show me where to go and what to do!  What is your will?”  In my search, I came across a company I had worked for several years before.  I took a chance and applied for the position.  I was partially offered the job but was asked if I would hold out for it until funding went through to hire me.  I had no other options, so I agreed.  Thankfully, they soon needed a substitute at another school which enabled me to earn an income while waiting.  I waited several months until the timing was synchronized with God’s plans.  At the exact moment I needed it (i.e., the sub position was ending), the job opened, and I was hired! 

The Lord opened a door that changed my life.  I didn’t know it right away because of all the waiting… and waiting…. and waiting.  But my patience and faith were rewarded: In that job, I learned, I cried, I laughed, I became enraged, and I met “the one who calms me.”  I like to think we changed each other’s lives… for the better.  At times, I think I just made it all up in my head, but then I hear his voice or feel his presence and all the fear melts away.  The thoughts disappear and I’m left with a kaleidoscope of butterflies and shaking hands that just want to touch or connect with him. Oh boy… I’m getting off track.  Let’s get back up to speed.  I am now working at that charter school- the one in which I was going to enroll my kids- and life is pretty good!  Yeah, there are times when I’m overly stressed and feeling down, but overall, there are blessings abound! 

Change is on the horizon!!!  It doesn’t scare me.  I just know it’s there- like the uphill climb before the roller coaster makes a vertical drop.  Change can be exhilarating!  I’m feeling closer to my dream.  As my mom moves on with her life- even contemplating moving to another state- I think about moving on from my own area. 

Again, God speaks to me: “Valley Center.”  But why, Lord?  What’s there? So, after the crowds sober me up from choosing the beach life that I loved oh so much… I trek on.  To Valley Center.  As I drive through town, I can tell… It’s a feeling I have… It’s going to have a boom!  Industry, track homes, corporate America… It’s closing in!  Lord, you wouldn’t have me live in that!  Would you? “No,” He says, “But listen… It’s the Gateway.”  The Gateway?  “To all the tribes in pain.  To all the cultures being erased. Look around.  See that gorgeous Government Center with pristine lawns?  Look at the houses across the street.  Do your research.  How is it helping?  See the massive casinos that rake in tens of thousands of dollars each month for the members of the tribe?  Many spend it on drugs, alcohol, and other non-relevant “things.”  Few spend it on ways that promote the survival of their culture or ways that advance their lives.  Feel the sadness.  Feel their loss of hope.  Their tears have dried and they hide their anguish.  Remind them of their Oneness to the Spirit! He’s here to help you.” [The debate begins with my Brother who lives within me… scripted in the password protected page: Twin Flame].  Okay.  I can only promise to be open to whatever outcome you have in Your plan Lord.

The two-faced mountain divides green from a rusty orange. Distinct appearances.  Beauty in diversity.  A soft wave of blue energy washes across my left peripheral as if to say, “You have gained all the insight you can from this location.  The road beckons for your return.”  I’m hesitant to leave because the connection here feels so much like home.  But alas, change is indeed on the horizon.  

Benchmarks

August 2019

I am financially on-track despite the hiccup of no income via salary in July. Each benchmark this year shall be met:

By March 2020, I will have half of my “bad debt” wiped clean with a debt-to-income ratio at exactly 30%. Then, instead of quickly paying off the home improvement loan from our last house, I will maintain that balance because it has a large credit limit but is almost paid off. Once I get the property and/or construction loans, then I will close that account. My last credit card debt has a 0% interest so it can also be extended without penalty to my plan. By May 2020, I will begin shopping for loans and saving cash via CDs / high interest savings accounts. I have become good friends with a realtor and she has assured me that her financial person knows all the loan types and can get me what I need from the perks of being a teacher, woman, single mom, etc. From that point, I have one year to purchase my property with $20,000 down. It will be my gift for my 40th birthday!! Wish me luck.

Intentions

July 2019

The journey is not a path of pristine roses but of weeds and thorns that must be removed so that I may enjoy the fragrance of succulent blossoms.

Social media- although useful in staying connected- slowly injects a poison in to the vein of the spirit. I seek inspiration outside of my Christ-filled self only to find that my human character reveals inferiority and mundane ideas compared to the beautiful trailblazing of other woman. What do I have to offer? Nothing. What makes me different? Nothing. What great thing do I have to say? Nothing! Nothing of my self: Only Christ through me am I given a voice and purpose! Let Him lead and speak.

What is my purpose?

Respite Center: Women. Couples. Inner work. Heal. Biblical. Help others incorporate “Christ is alive inside!” So they can change, progress, and live a bountiful life. Evoke the potential in others. Healing through Energetic Touch. Massage. Sauna. Food. Art. Music. Storytelling. Counseling. Numerology. (Astrology and astronomy were used in early Bible times: e.g., Job. However, only used in understanding the self as a part of the Body of Christ). Workshops- Mindful Yang Rugged Men. Mindful Yin Compassionate Women.

What is my power?

I see the potential in others. I empathize with others. I can see multiple perspectives at one time. I can see the big picture as well as the details. Although I see with my energy and intuition, I hear with my fingertips. I can hear the diverse levels of vibrational energy within the body and help take it to deeper levels in others. I heal with touch- even inanimate objects (e.g., car batteries). I evaporate clouds with my mind- and have also taught my children this power. If clouds can disseminate, what else can be accomplished? I call into existence the funds I need to accomplish my goals. I have the wealth of my Father. I have the powers of my Holy Brother who lives in me. I am never singular. I am always inclusive of Christ-in-me.

Planning

June 2019

My excitement has grown since that encounter. I fervently calculate my debt payoff schedule. I plot the locations of each bungalow and watch endless videos on how to build quality retaining walls and foundations. I created a sidewalk for the house in PA so I am confident that a driveway will have the same steps- only on a much larger scale. It will take more brawn than I have- hahaha- but I will learn and strengthen during the process.

Checklist: Contact county assessor. Confirm zoning and tax basis. Will the tax basis change with a residence? Gain access permit for driveway since it currently crosses the neighbors property (Insider info from the neighbor). Research cost for drilling a well. 210-250 feet deep with reinforcement for cave-in due to sandy loam (Another insider tip). Check water logs from state water agency website. Research how Irrigation company adjacent would control water rights underneath. What are my water rights? Obtain a perc test for septic approval. Composting toilets cost approximately $1200 for top quality. Would it be cheaper in the long run to put in regular toilets considering the number I would need? Cost and installation of solar panels- Hook up to main power line.

Synchronicity

May 2019

I had found the property more than a year ago. I visit it periodically to renew my spirit and remind myself why I continue despite emotional and mental fatigue. Recently, my mom and I have talked- and I have listened to sermons- about the teachings of Ellen G. White (A founder of the Seventh Day Adventist church). It has been in the forefront of my mind and my relationship with Christ has created balance and synchronicity with the universal energy. This particular visit to the property was special because I met the neighbor who- in our conversation- affirmed that I am being led by the spirit on this journey. When you talk to non-SDAs, they do not know EGW. He had sought treatment at the Loma Linda Medical Center. I said I was raised in that religion and his response was my confirmation: “Oh, that one that talks about Ellen White!” This may seem trivial to most, but for me, it was what I needed in the moment. I was open to communication from the universe- signs, synchronicity, spirit- and I received just that.